This is a continuation of “Stalker Much” and “Stalkers Never Really Leave Us.” I demand suggest reading them first (they’re fairly short) so that this final part makes sense. Yes, it’s finally over…
I’m not sure if you heard, but I’ve been detained. I am writing to you from a prison cell. A PRISON CELL! Can you believe that? The authorities tell me that a MAN filed a complaint about me, but I just know it couldn’t be you. You’re smarter than that. Hehe! I’ve been accused of stalking and unlawful possession of weapons. John, you didn’t tell on me, did you? My lovely weapons have been confiscated…all except one that I keep in my underwear at all times. It’s inside my dark place. You see why I do that, don’t you? I’m not dangerous, John. I just want to love you. I wish you’d bail me out. That would be the best thing for the both of us. That way, I won’t have to kill you.
I’ve never used my weapons for anything other than colorful threats. You believe me, right? I hate when people don’t believe me. It makes me so mad that I want to…never mind. Focus, Layla, focus! Be a sweetheart! Okay, I’m back! You really can’t blame me for wanting you. You have the most beautiful eyes, the most sensuous lips, and a bangin’ body. We belong together. Forget about me wanting to have your children. I just want your sex. It would be so good. I need sex at least 3 times a day. Dream come true, right? Guys love sex! I love you. Come rescue me, lover. I told my family about you. They are EXACTLY like me, except they’re a little crazy…and intense. But they were released for good behavior from the looney bin, so they must be okay. My weapon collection is nothing compared to theirs. I mean, bombs and…never mind. Who needs details? FYI, they know where you live. I’m sure you understand why I told them. So hurry up and come get me! I’ll be waiting, LOVERRRR. The touch of my hand isn’t enough to satisfy me anymore. Wink wink!!
Waiting to be rescued,
Your Princess, Layla
Message from Layla’s cell guard:
This message was intercepted before it could reach you. Layla has been behaving rather, uh, inappropriately. She was coming on to all the inmates and guards…in the most disgusting inappropriate way. She also kept sticking her hand down her pants and saying, “I bet you have no idea what I’ve got down here!” Frankly, it was a little creepy. Many guards claimed that she had raped them in their sleep, so as you can understand, she’s been locked away in isolation, with no contact with the outside world. After reading her letter to you, we discovered the weapon she had concealed in, well, you know where. Rest assured, she won’t be contacting you anymore. I’m sure you’ll be relieved. I am including her letter to you because, well…I found it quite amusing. But on the off chance she manages to escape, you might need this for evidence. Good luck to you, sir.
I feel sorry for you
P.S. You might want to watch out for her twin sister. Yikes…
I think I know Layla! She sounds like quite the catch. Lol. Love a good stalker story first thing in the morning! Thanks!
Haha, glad I could start your morning off right. 😀
Sounds a great deal like an old ex-girl friend I once had. You seem to have done a really good job channeling her . . . I wonder why. LOL
Oo, nice ex girlfriend. Um, I swear, I’ve never done anything…ANYTHING…like this, ever, lol.
That was a wonderful read to start my morning, thanks Lily!
The things you come up with… I just… it was both hilarious and creepy, lol
Glad I could make your morning better! Haha, I guess I’m good at being creepy. But I swear, I’m fairly normal. 😉
Hahahahaha!! Oh man, that was good. “In my dark place.” Um, eww.
Haha, isn’t my imagination creepy? Glad you enjoyed it though. I swear, I’m not that creepy. 😉
LOL! I’m still laughing (to the point of choking on my morning coffee!)
“I just want your sex”. This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read! 😀
I’m so glad! I try to make people laugh occasionally. 😀
It works! 😉
LOL I used to work with Layla. Yeah… Scary gal. Love it!
Haha, oh know! She’s a creeper alright. Good thing she’s locked away. 😀
You might be a little too good at thinking about this stalker stuff. Makes me think… worried about you.
I know, I really shouldn’t creep you guys out like this. I guess it doesn’t mean much if I say I’ve never done anything remotely like this…ever.
The sad thing is, there are actually people out there like this. Not totally exact of course (that would just be creepy beyond belief), but definitely channeling the Layla spirit. It’s also morning right now for me so I’m glad I could start my day off on a funny (yet creepy) note. 😉
Oh I know, I probably shouldn’t joke about this stuff when it’s totally real. But it’s all in good fun here. 😀
Oh, absolutely! With this kind of thing, I sort of think it’s okay to make fun of it to our hearts’ content. 😉