Hello there, old friend. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the me who I was when I was with you. Life has changed a lot in the last 5 or 6 years. Some days I feel a bit lost. Some days I miss the joy I used to get out of writing, whether that be poetry or random blog posts. That connection that used to exist, albeit with online strangers. It was nice, it provided a temporary purpose.
Don’t get me wrong, my life has purpose of course. I have a good job, a beautiful 6-year old daughter, a house, the love of my wonderful family. I am fortunate, I can’t deny that. But I believe I was drawn back to these keys, to this screen, because I’ve felt somewhat empty. Like, it’s not enough. Maybe it’s something about being in my 30’s. I’ve learned more about myself, have seen how differently I feel about things now compared to when I was 20. Is it wise for people to make all these important life decisions in your 20s? Work, marriage, kids. Do you even know yourself well enough at that point? I’m starting to think not.
Anyway, this isn’t a woe-is-me post. This is me talking to myself (because who’s going to see this) in the hopes that if I just dip my toe in now, maybe I’ll keep coming back to this. Maybe I can rebuild what this was, or at least find that part of myself that I’ve missed. Fill a void. That’s the hope, but time will tell.
The hardest thing about writing is the beginning, not knowing where or how to start. If I’m being honest, half the time, I don’t even know what to say. I guess the hardest part about writing is actually doing it. I don’t think I was meant to write, but the problem is, I really want to. I have more notebooks than any one person needs, full of crisp, blank pages. I obsessively sit in front of my laptop, drawn to the little Word 2016 icon, but when I open it up, it’s just an electronic version of my dust-collecting notebooks. I stare at the blank screen, and it stares right back. Uninspiring, but so full of judgement.
This has been a struggle for the past several years. I feel empty without writing, but I feel too empty to write. If things were going terribly, I suppose the words would flow as freely as my tears would. If things were wonderful, I’d likely be dripping inspiration. But life is just good; a tad dull and a lot regular. Not that I’m complaining, but who wants to read about regular?
A few years back, the words flowed a bit more freely. I had just discovered blogging, and it was love at first write. Writing, being read, and reading…being part of a community. It felt like family. I can’t remember when or why, but suddenly, it wasn’t the same. Weeks turned to months, and then to a year with nary a thing to say. I had made peace with the void. Then nostalgia kicked in. That bitch.
They say practice makes perfect. I’m not too sure, but I’ll keep on practicing. Maybe it’s a form of therapy. Or lunacy…writing with nothing to say. Maybe I just like the tapping sound of the keyboard. It’s new and shiny, and boy, does it sound lovely. Tap, tap, tap, nothing to say, tap, tap, tap. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if this turns into more than just rambling. In any case, there isn’t a blank screen staring at me now, so I think I’m onto something.
Hello, world. Or, hello to the three of you. I thought it was time for a quick update. 1 out of 3 of you may recall that I was pregnant last time I posted. Guess what? Not anymore! Little Sofia was born on Friday, July 31st at 11:27 am. She weighed 8.5 pounds, and measured 20.75 inches long. Beautiful and healthy, with a head FULL of dark hair. She was bigger than anyone expected. I was all belly, and everyone swore I’d have a 6 or 7 pounder. BUT NOPE! She surprised us all. My husband says she came out with her arm sticking out, like making a fist. Almost as if she was saying, “Woohoo, I did it!” Yeah, she did feel a little funnyon the way out, so that explains it. I was so busy trying to catch my breath, that it took me a few minutes before I thought to ask, “Wait, is she still a girl?” Haha.
All things considered, I had a pretty good birth experience. I was told I pushed for 45 minutes or so, no more than an hour. I was TOLD this, because I seriously do NOT remember. When you’re in that much pain, you have no concept of time. I mean, it obviously felt like forever in the moment. I had contractions all day Thursday, but they became really intense around midnight/early Friday. Oddly enough, I was very calm that whole day with contractions. It’s like I still couldn’t believe that I would actually be giving birth soon. Even when I made it to the hospital, it felt unreal. My whole pregnancy felt that way though.
I have a high tolerance for pain but WOW… Words cannot describe that kind of pain. They should come up with a new word for contractions, because that one just doesn’t do it justice. At one point I even begged for them to cut me open to get her out, haha. I was not eligible for an epidural due to low blood platelets. Would have been too risky. I thought my face might explode from pushing, not to mention my lungs. Pushing is hard, people. I felt out of breath for a week or two afterwards.
Almost immediately after giving birth though, it’s almost like it never even happened. All of a sudden, there’s a tiny human on your chest, and you wonder, “What do I do now? Did the doctor leave the manual somewhere?” I never imagined how stressful and overwhelming life as a mom would be. BUT every day gets a little easier. Everyone kept telling me that, but those first couple of weeks, you find it hard to believe. I cried a lot. But as hard as it is to be a sleep-deprived slave to a newborn, at the end of the day, I just remember that we have a beautiful, healthy baby girl, and that’s all we can ask for. That, and maybe a bit less fussing and crying. But it is what it is! My husband and my parents have helped keep me sane. And whenever I feel really overwhelmed, I look at my baby and think, “Wow…we made a baby…an actual human being. How amazing is that?” I find it mind-boggling how a tiny egg and a tiny swimmer can create a perfect little human! Part of me still can’t believe I’m a mom. I mean, I have a daughter… What?!
Anyway, I think I’m mostly rambling, so I’ll stop here. With a couple pictures, of course!
Hello? Is there anyone out there? Don’t want to show yourself? That’s cool, I’m quite experienced in the art of talking to myself. It’s not something to brag about though…
I haven’t the slightest clue what brought me here after months…MONTHS! Poor neglected blog that no one gives two figs about. I stopped writing, stopped getting readers, stopped caring…sort of. Had nothing to say anymore. But today I came back here and remembered how much fun I had with this in the beginning. I loved interacting with all you internet strangers. This is not to say I’m back. But I thought I’d give at least one more life update, because, why not? Who’s gonna stop me?
I am now 34 weeks pregnant, with a baby girl. I can’t believe how quickly these 8 months have gone. I still feel like I only JUST announced my pregnancy. Still haven’t quite wrapped my head around the fact that I’m gonna be a mom…a MOM! *Deep breath* Holy shit, that’s a scary thought! I haven’t so much as held a baby in SO MANY YEARS, I can’t even tell you. I’m afraid that when they hand her to me, I’m gonna feel completely clueless. But hopefully that whole mother’s instinct thing is real, and everything will just click, and I won’t be a total dummy.
On the plus side, I already love her, so that’s a start, right? At the end of the day, no one is born knowing how to be a mom. Sure, some people have experience, say, with changing diapers, but I’ll get there! I’m trying not to stress about how quickly time is going, though it’s hard not to. Still need to find a pediatrician, finish buying baby gear, and get the nursery together. I hope we get a chance to paint her room between this weekend and next. I think it’ll feel more real once we have a room that LOOKS like it’s meant for a baby, rather than the randomness that it is now. We shall see.
So yeah, I’m here, still pregnant, super uncomfortable, but otherwise okay. If you’re out there, I hope all is well with you too. And if no one’s reading this, well then…you suck. 🙂
Not to sound self-centered, but what’s the point of blogging if hardly anyone’s gonna read what you wrote? If I didn’t want someone to read my thoughts, I’d write in a physical, private journal…with pen and paper. It makes me sad how much WordPress has changed for me. I used to wake up every day, so excited to read other blogs, and have people read mine. Then I started slacking, and people started disappearing… It’s not as fun as it used to be.
Not very many people “noticed” (or cared about) my last post. You know, announcing my first pregnancy. No biggie! Just sad. So I really doubt that I’ll be on here updating throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. I mean, I know those kinds of posts are boring anyway. But honestly, even if I was inspired to write something entertaining/funny, I doubt I’d get the audience that I had once upon a time, for a short time. I miss those days!
OH WELL. It was nice while it lasted. I’ll still try to read people’s blogs, but that’s probably it. Um, so do you hate this post as much as I do? Jeez, Lillian. What a loser! But I’m sure most people would agree that this isn’t any fun if no one reads your stuff. Now I’m just repeating myself, so I’m done. Maybe I’ll see you, maybe I won’t. I could be a total liar, and end up posting regularly, as if this post never happened! But…doubtful.
Hello, world. I thought I’d give this a try again. You should know that, having been away from the blogging scene for so long, I have become a little shy, perhaps needy, and desperate for approval. (Slight exaggeration.) If only 2 or 3 people like/comment on this post, I will be heart-broken and possibly never post again. Just a little something to keep in mind.
I have some news to share. First a quick update on my life. I got engaged December 2013. We bought and moved into our first home in August 2014. We are still unmarried (but will be resolving that soon). Mostly it’s because planning a wedding in Puerto Rico (where we have tons of family) is way too stressful for a lazy person such as myself. I also don’t have enough vacation days to deal with that. So city hall it is. Are you judging me? It’s not that I’m unromantic. It’s just that at the end of the day, I want him to be my husband. I don’t need all the bells and whistles, all the stress of planning, all the costs associated with that. I never dreamed of a big, white wedding, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out.
This leads me to my news. Drum-roll… WAKE UP! Did you just fall asleep on me? I’m devasted, truly. SOOOO… I am here to announce that…I’M PREGNANT!!! Just one more reason why city hall seems like the best option. Anyway, see below for evidence. We are excited, and yes, absolutely terrified. But it’s been on our minds, and it’s something we wanted to happen in the near future. It happened now, so that’s great! I will surely freak out along the way. I am waiting for the panic attack that I know I’m overdue for. I know nothing about babies (except they poop, they eat, they sleep, they cry…a lot). But I suppose no one is born KNOWING exactly what to do in every situation, right? I’ll figure it out…meh? Sure, my body may never recover. Sure, I may never sleep again. And sure, I won’t be able to save up as much money, but hey! It’ll be fun, right? Ummmm…
If anyone’s reading this, I will try to update you guys as I get more round and squishy. Right now, I’m about 13 weeks. Let the adventure begin! Until then…
Hello, if anyone’s even out there… I haven’t posted in MONTHS. Kind of sad, but not really. I thought I’d share one of my old posts again. Why? I don’t know, because I can? If no one reads it, then perhaps I was meant to not post anything all these months. Who knows…
Never, under any circumstances, wear sandals when you’re hiking. Did you know that? Oh, you did? Well, so did I. I just needed to confirm it, that’s all. Kind of like I needed to confirm that our apartment building was strong enough, so I took my car and crashed into it. The apartment held up just fine. Building strength confirmed. (Um, I really did crash into a brick wall, if you don’t believe me.)
Right, back to the “hiking.” (I use that word loosely.) My parents were babysitting two of my little cousins for two days. One day we’d focus on cousin number 1, and the second day on cousin number 2. I kid you. On Monday, we went to a park, complete with two play areas. Monkey bars, slides, drawbridge thing, random crap you climb up. Everything except swings. I know, I was highly disappointed too. I sucked it up and pulled through anyway. You’re never too old to jump up and down on the drawbridge thing or go down a slide or two. (I’m also secretly proud of the fact that I was also able to go UP the slide. Total pro.) At some point, I became the monster. There was no explanation, no talk of game rules or characters, nothing. I was just chosen to be the monster, and when the kids started running away from me, I figured they were being serious. So I went with it and it was fun.
On Tuesday, mom announced that they were going to the park around the same time as the previous day, so I decided to tag along. I stupidly assumed it would be the same park, but duh, that would be boring. Who does that? So whatever, I had sandals on, because sandals are totally fine when you’re going up/down a slide. Not so much when you go to a park that involves nature…and nature involves trails…and trails involve gravel roads…and gravel roads involve tree roots…and tree roots involve tripping and falling on your arse. (If you say arse, it’s not cursing.)
I hate sneakers (because they make my feet look big and because they’re just not cute), but at that moment, I would have given anything for my sneakers to just magically appear. I waited, I prayed, I cursed…alas, they never materialized. We started up the trail. I know, UP…you know what that means? It means that in order to get back, I’d have to go DOWN…in sandals…over ROCKS…great. What the hell did I get myself into? These rocks were full of creepy red spiders on high-speed stilts…LOTS of spiders. Yuck.
If you haven’t rolled your eyes yet, go ahead, roll them. Get it out of your system. But really, my life is so dull, what did you expect? We finally stopped and turned around. I know it seems overly dramatic but I was truly worried about this moment. I took the tiniest steps anyone could possibly take. I put all my weight into my ankles and feet, pretending they were claws that could stick to the ground. And I held onto my mom’s arm for dear life. I didn’t think it was possible to go DOWNHILL so slowly but it is. Despite all these precautions, I felt gravity start to do its work. One stupid red spider, one stupid sandal-wearing idiot, and down I went, taking my poor mom with me. Sorry mom. Actually…that’s kinda-sorta, absolutely, not in the least bit true. We all made it down safely. I’m so ashamed…how incredibly lame of me to NOT get injured. But if it counts for anything, it was fun (the kids caught a frog) and I’m now 100% sure that you are not supposed to wear sandals to a park.
Anyway, in my last post I promised my next post would be better. I lied. Please don’t unfollow me. So, hold your breath for next time!
After much sheet rocking, spackling, painting, and new flooring, we’re finally almost at the finish line. For a while there, our house looked like shit; bare walls waiting for new sheetrock, and floors/stairs stripped of their smelly, old carpet. Now it’s starting to look like a home. I’m pretty sure we’ll never fully reach the finish line, as house projects seem to be endless, but at least we’re making progress. We have to be moved in this weekend, as I will NOT be paying another month’s rent at the apartment. We still have to paint one more room, fix up the stairs, get a new back door and replace a few windows, but I guess that will have to wait. I just can’t wait for the day that we’re no longer surrounded by dust, both regular and sawdust.
With all the work on the house, we haven’t had time to shop for a new bedroom set or washer dryer, so we NEED to make that a priority this Labor Day weekend. I want my new stuff! And I want to buy a few decorations here and there, since decorating is the only fun part about having a house. I am NOT looking forward to cleaning out our apartment and packing everything up, but we’ve put that off long enough, and now it’s GO time. I hope we accomplish everything we need to this weekend. I’ll have a 5 day weekend, which is good, though it won’t be nearly as relaxing as I’d like it to be. I would much prefer to pay someone to help us clean and move. Oh well, such is life.
That’s my update for the year month. Hope all two of you reading this are doing well. And P.S. – where the hell has this year gone? Goodbye to the summer that barely was…
P.P.S. – Damn you, WordPress, for publishing my post yesterday, when I had it set to “Schedule” and I hit the button which also said “Schedule” and not “Publish.” What the F is wrong with you? This is why I don’t pay for you anymore…