Because, Why Not?

Hello? Is there anyone out there? Don’t want to show yourself? That’s cool, I’m quite experienced in the art of talking to myself. It’s not something to brag about though…

I haven’t the slightest clue what brought me here after months…MONTHS! Poor neglected blog that no one gives two figs about. I stopped writing, stopped getting readers, stopped caring…sort of. Had nothing to say anymore. But today I came back here and remembered how much fun I had with this in the beginning. I loved interacting with all you internet strangers. This is not to say I’m back. But I thought I’d give at least one more life update, because, why not? Who’s gonna stop me?

I am now 34 weeks pregnant, with a baby girl. I can’t believe how quickly these 8 months have gone. I still feel like I only JUST announced my pregnancy. Still haven’t quite wrapped my head around the fact that I’m gonna be a mom…a MOM! *Deep breath* Holy shit, that’s a scary thought! I haven’t so much as held a baby in SO MANY YEARS, I can’t even tell you. I’m afraid that when they hand her to me, I’m gonna feel completely clueless. But hopefully that whole mother’s instinct thing is real, and everything will just click, and I won’t be a total dummy.

On the plus side, I already love her, so that’s a start, right? At the end of the day, no one is born knowing how to be a mom. Sure, some people have experience, say, with changing diapers, but I’ll get there! I’m trying not to stress about how quickly time is going, though it’s hard not to. Still need to find a pediatrician, finish buying baby gear, and get the nursery together. I hope we get a chance to paint her room between this weekend and next. I think it’ll feel more real once we have a room that LOOKS like it’s meant for a baby, rather than the randomness that it is now. We shall see.

So yeah, I’m here, still pregnant, super uncomfortable, but otherwise okay. If you’re out there, I hope all is well with you too. And if no one’s reading this, well then…you suck. 🙂

~Lily~

Talking To Yourself

Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. We are all guilty of this. And if you think you’re not, then you’re a liar. I don’t necessarily talk to myself (out loud) but I definitely think to myself. Or sometimes whisper. Usually I’m home alone when I do this, so I’m not embarrassing myself. Not that there’s anything to be ashamed of, because talking to yourself does not make you crazy. (Just keep telling yourself that…out loud.) HOWEVER, when you talk/whisper/think to yourself in a foreign accent, now THAT’S crazy. I don’t know how this little habit of mine got started. It’s never just one accent either. It can be British, French, Southern, or some unknown and completely made-up accent. Maybe I’ve always done it, or maybe I only just started losing my marbles. I didn’t realize until just last week, and once I noticed, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Talking and laughing to myself. Nope, definitely no crazy genes here.

I also tend to make funny faces at myself in the mirror. It amuses me. You’re judging me, aren’t you? It’s not like I do this every day. Just when I’m really bored and standing in front of a mirror. (Basically, every day.) Tell me, do you think I’m crazy? Do you do talk to yourself in different accents or make funny faces? Please say yes, it’ll make me feel SO much better. Or don’t, whatever. I wouldn’t have a public blog full of stupid random things if I was afraid of being judged. So ha! Poor little blog. I used to fill it with semi-amusing thoughts or semi-decent poems, and now it’s not even semi anything. It’s okay though, because at least I can laugh about it…to myself…in a British accent…while making funny faces in the mirror.

~Lily~

Note: Lily’s brain can no longer handle the responsibility of writing a blog. It’s become too much. This is the kind of crap you’re gonna have to put up with until someone can figure out how to fix Lily’s brain. It’s a very risky procedure, so don’t hold your breath.

Yesterday’s Lies

Things that
Cannot be unseen
Can be blinding

Words that
Cannot be unsaid
Can be deafening

Sometimes never knowing
Is never hurting

Because yesterday’s lies
Did not crush
Or break this fragile heart

But today’s truth
Changes everything
As it all crumbles
And falls apart

Lillian F – 7/22/2013

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-*-Random and somewhat awful poem. No worries, I’m not depressed or anything. I’d also like to point out that you can’t get more random than posting a penis-ridden post one day, and then a depressing poem two days later. That’s how I roll.-*-

Sir, Did You Just Touch Your Penis?

I don’t particularly like shaking people’s hands. Especially people of the masculine, penis-wielding persuasion. See, believe it or not, there are still people who find it unnecessary to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Can’t fathom how anyone could be that ignorant/disgusting/stupid. Not washing your hands is never okay, but it’s somewhat forgivable for a woman. Usually, there is no need for a woman to actually touch her vagina during urination; that’s what toilet paper is for. And if a woman gets splash-back on her hands, surely good hand-washing would ensue, as women are generally disgusted by splash-back. Men, on the other hand, must always grasp their penis. Not properly grasping their penis would result in an inconceivable amount of splash-back. So, considering that men must always touch their penis, and factoring in how many men couldn’t care less about hygiene, how can one be comfortable shaking their penis-ridden hand? “Excuse me, sir, but did you just touch your penis? You’ll have to excuse me, but I would rather not shake your penis until I’ve gotten the chance to know you.” And truthfully, after getting to know the guy, you’d probably be even less inclined to shake their penis. Heaven knows where it’s been. That’s the truth, from my brain to your fortunate eyes.

P.S. I wanted to see how many times I could mention the word “penis” while still raising a valid point. I think I rose to the occasion. Pun intended. (I hope I didn’t offend any of you. I’ve been having so much trouble writing, that when this thought popped into my head, there was no way I could turn it down.)

~Lily~

Welcome To The Sooner State

I went to Oklahoma, and lived to tell about it. It’s been…a long few days, to say the least. I’m just glad we all went. It was great seeing my brother, a U.S. Soldier. So weird saying that! Part of me thinks he became a soldier just so that he could call us civilians, lol. When we made it to the base on Thursday, it didn’t take long for me to start tearing up, and I hadn’t even seen him yet! It’s just hard to explain the feeling that you get when you’re there. I never had any feelings about military life, but having someone in the Army has changed that. I can’t express how much in awe I am with all the men and women who are making this sacrifice. I’m beyond proud of my little brother. We got to spend most of the day together on Thursday and Friday. It was nice catching up and hearing about the things he’s gone through. Friday was the graduation, which again had me tearing up. It was a lovely ceremony. It’s hard not to get emotional about these things. It’s a big deal, you know? My brother graduated Basic Combat Training with Honors, in the top ten percent of the graduating class. We were all very proud when we heard that. It was sad leaving him Friday night. Two days isn’t much time, but at least we got to see him and visit the base. We’ll definitely never forget it. Now he’s in Texas, getting ready for Advanced Individual Training. He’s looking forward to it, which is all that matters. I wish him LOTS of luck, and look forward to seeing him in Texas!

The trip itself was pretty exhausting; four flights in four days is a lot, especially when you hate flying. Our first flight was delayed by 4 hours. Why wouldn’t it be, considering we had a connecting flight shortly after? It would be so boring if things worked out easily. The flight was delayed for practically every reason under the sun. Air traffic control, weather, awaiting incoming aircraft. All that was missing was a terror threat. Our second flight was delayed as well, but it was still scheduled to leave RIGHT before our first flight was scheduled to arrive. It was like an adventure, to see if we could arrive in the past, in order to make our future flight. We did get lucky though. They held the second flight just for the three of us. (Apparently we were the only ones connecting from our first flight.) We were very grateful for this small miracle. We made it to Oklahoma around 2:00 am. Who needs sleep anyway? You’d think it was enough to have survived two flights in one day, delays and all, but no…why should anything be easy? We arrived at the Enterprise rental car, and no one was there! They decided they don’t need to stay open after 12:00 am, because flights are NEVER scheduled to arrive at night, nor do flights ever get delayed. Like, never EVER. Morons. So we had to pay more money to rent from another rental place that was open. Then their systems went down. Finally, after a long wait, we got to leave the stinkin’ airport. We had to drive over an hour from Oklahoma City to Lawton. I’ve never seen such a straight highway, one with very few exits. It was creepy. We were trapped.

Here’s where it gets fun. We were only a few miles away, so we started looking for the hotel. It’s 4:00 am at this point. Finally, the GPS told us our destination was on the right. Yup, there it was, on the right. On a small hill with a fence and no road leading to it. What the hell? The GPS told us to take an exit (the wrong one) which took us to the other side of the highway, even FURTHER away from this mystery hotel. It’s like Oklahoma was taunting us. “Haha! You can see the hotel, but you’ll never find it! Na-na-na-na-na!” We finally took another exit which took us to a small road that eventually lead to the hotel. It didn’t get better after that, as we got lost every single time we left the hotel, no matter where we were headed, no matter how close it was. We didn’t learn anything in the few days we were there. In our defense, Oklahoma is confusing. And in my defense, I wasn’t the one driving. A lot of times, I knew which way we should turn. And I’m horrible with directions! Listening to my parents bicker at each other was fun though. “Wrong way, it was a left! PAY ATTENTION! Watch out! The sign says no U-turns! We don’t need a U-turn, just turn LEFT!”

Other than that, Oklahoma was…empty. We barely saw any houses, and there was never much traffic. There were cows and dry grass, but other than that, not much to see. It was 105 degrees while we were there. I checked the weather yesterday, and it was only in the seventies. Of course it would cool off after we left. Oklahoma’s a bitch. But we survived, and that’s all that matters. I would have been mad at myself if I hadn’t gone, so I’m glad I did. It’s good to be back to civilization though. There are crowds and stores and plenty of gas stations. All very important things. Now it’s back to reality and catching up on work, which is always fun. Have a great week everyone!

~Lily~

Oklahoma, The Sooner State. As in, the sooner you leave, the better.

Why I Am How I Am

The below post was originally published on Lillian’s blog, High, High, Higher! as part of her “In Transit” series. I decided to post it on my own blog as well. Why? Because I can. But mostly because I have nothing else to say. Has anyone else ever suffered from writer’s block for more than 6 months? Should I see a doctor?

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Change is rarely ever easy. No shit, tell me something I don’t know. Alright, you don’t have to get nasty. Middle school was all about change for me. Before middle school, I was a happy, talkative, relatively normal kid. I had a group of friends and life was good. Teachers nicknamed me “the chatterbox” and would constantly have to scold me for talking during class. Then one day, my parents were informed that my brother and I would need to switch schools. It turns out that everyone in my small town was being moved to a nearby school, because our current school wasn’t going to pay for buses to pick us up anymore. (This was years ago, so I can’t guarantee 100% accuracy with the details.) I was pissed that I would have to switch schools, and lose the group of friends that I’d known for most of my life. But alas, I was 12 and couldn’t do jack-shit about it. However, my life would never be the same after that. I know, that sounds soooo overly dramatic!

Nobody likes being the new kid at school. I absolutely dreaded it. No longer the confident chatterbox, I was now awkward and terribly shy. It seems silly to say that from that moment I was never the same, but that’s the truth. I didn’t want to become a different person, it just happened. If you knew me now, you would find it hard to believe that I was ever a chatterbox; it’s like pulling teeth to get me to talk now.  At my old school, my friends used to fight over who could be my partner. At my new school, group assignments were an absolute nightmare. I was too shy to walk over to anyone, and of course, no one was fighting to be partnered with me. I was seriously uncool and always misjudged. There were several times I heard people whispering about me behind my back. I remember a specific comment someone made about me. (You tend to remember the hurtful ones.) Someone started a poll of who they thought would be most likely to blow up the school. Guess who they picked? Me! Because I was shy and antisocial, they immediately assumed I was capable of hurting others. Ouch.

If I could go back now, I would have tried harder to stay in touch with my old friends. (I don’t know why we lost touch, but I guess it’s mostly my fault.) I would have told myself to loosen up and introduce myself to new people, rather than shying away from my new environment. I wouldn’t have let my new situation overwhelm me the way it did. If I had more confidence, maybe people wouldn’t have judged me the way they did. I used to enjoy school, but after the move, I dreaded it every day. Most people were sad as our graduation date approached, but I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t go to prom because I figured, why subject myself to that torture? I couldn’t stand crowds, and I knew no one would dance with me, so I didn’t bother. I was told I’d regret that decision later on in life, but so far, so good! I didn’t have a graduation party either. I left high school feeling relieved, and never looked back.

Even though it wasn’t the best experience, I don’t necessarily regret it. Sure, it would have been nice to have had more friends and have been more popular, but I can’t complain with the way my life is now. I have a wonderful family and a boyfriend who loves me, flaws and all. I might never have met my boyfriend had I been super popular in high school. Maybe I would have been peer-pressured into doing something I’d now regret. Maybe I would have ended up knocked-up at prom, like so many other girls. (Does that sound offensive? Well…) Who knows, maybe my life would have turned out to be a crazy mess. It was a rough transition, but I believe that everything we go through is for a reason. Even the smallest things can have a great impact on us. Maybe some people find me too quiet or weird or antisocial. But I prefer to think of myself as mysterious, reliable, and until someone can prove otherwise, kind-hearted. Okay, so I’m far from perfect, but I’m a good person, and that’s what counts. As for everything else, I am who I am, flawed and perfectly imperfect. Hey, even the most beautiful diamonds have some kind of flaw.  (Not that I’m comparing myself to a diamond. I mean, come on, that would sound like bragging or something.)

~Lily~

Settling In

The tortuous office move, that I was convinced wasn’t actually happening, is finally over. No more packing and being temporarily displaced. And I’m happy to announce that my commute isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In the morning, I can get there in 10-15 minutes. There’s more traffic at the end of the day, but I guess it could be worse. It’s not as fast and easy as my old commute, but all things considered, I can’t complain. Actually I can. (Don’t you know me at all?) The parking lot at this new office is so stupid. Aside from the fact that there’s no garage, they also made the main parking lot for visitors only. That’s right, visitors. So employees have to skip the main entrance, and drive to the second parking lot. Once you park, you have to cross a little bridge to get to the building. Why on earth should visitors be closer to the building than the employees? Rude.

It was a slow start yesterday, what with things not functioning properly in the morning, but once they got all the power working, and the phones and printers hooked up, it was all good. I didn’t stop working all day. I actually skipped lunch because there were so many things to do, especially considering it’s a short week. I usually do everything pretty quickly, but lately I have a bunch of things that are up in the air, and it drives me crazy. I hate when things are pending just because people can’t reply to my phone calls or emails. Get your shit together and get back to me. It stresses me out when I have all these piles of things to do. How dare they make me have “to do” piles. Rude.

I’m trying to get as organized as possible because next week…I’ll be in Oklahoma! No, that’s not excitement you hear. Oklahoma? Tornado country? Only one direct flight on a tiny plane, and the only other options are connecting flights? I’m gonna die. But anyway, if I don’t die, I’ll be with my parents visiting my brother for his graduation from basic training. Yay, he graduated! We’re all excited to see him again. I can’t believe it’s been two months already. I’m proud of my little brother. They’ll have family day activities on Thursday, and then the actual graduation is on Friday. On both days, we’ll be able to go out with him for several hours. We can only go to certain areas, and he has to stay in uniform the entire time. Talk about strict. After that, my brother will be heading to his advanced training in Texas, and we’ll be heading back home…on yet another connecting flight. *Cringes* I wouldn’t mind going to see my brother in Texas next time. That’s actually one of the few states I’d be interested in visiting. But Oklahoma? No offense but…it’s Oklahoma.

So, if you don’t hear from me ever again, it was either a plane crash or a tornado, or I just stopped blogging because I have nothing to say and nobody cares anyway. In all seriousness, I really hope we don’t die. If my mom is reading this, she’ll probably be mad that I’m joking about dying. Dying is not cool. Seriously, I don’t recommend it. Avoid dying at all costs. Have a good one, my fellow bloggers. It’s been real.

~Lily~

A Collection Of Words II

Another collection of haiku poems. (These are six individual poems, don’t read them as a whole.) The first part can be found here. OH, and WordPress just reminded me that I started blogging one year ago today…YAY! Most people do awesome posts on their 1-year blogiversary, but not me! Lol.

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White sheets, red roses
Moon shines on glistening skin
Love-making begins

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Suddenly it clicks
Everything falls into place
He’s where she belongs

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Words, tangled up with
Emotions, leave no room for logic
Bound to get messy

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She hides her feelings
He pretends he doesn’t care
Neither will survive

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Dear diary, she writes
Can you mend a broken heart
Without the pieces?

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Please stay, her eyes plead
If he goes, her heart will bleed
Life would lose meaning

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© Lillian F

Letters And Army Life

My brother has been away from home for a month now. I can’t believe how quickly the first month went. (If you didn’t read my last post on the subject, my brother has recently joined the Army.) Honestly, it didn’t seem real until I saw a picture of him in uniform. That’s when I was like, “Holy crap, he’s in the Army!” We were able to touch base with him the first week, but not anymore, since they all lose their phones once training officially starts. Hopefully he’ll get his phone back in a few weeks. My parents were in Puerto Rico last week to see my grandpa, who hasn’t been doing well, and when they came back, they were surprised to see two letters from my brother. My brother isn’t the most talkative person, hence the surprise. Since we weren’t able to contact him, my brother had no idea that my parents were away. He was probably wondering what was wrong with us, why we had yet to reply to his letters. Then today, my parents received a third letter. In this letter, it was obvious that my brother was wondering what was going on.

“I’m just writing to update you two, keep myself busy, and honestly because I miss home. I don’t know if you have sent any letters yet, but I still haven’t received a single piece of mail from anyone I mailed. It kind of sucks because everyone else has received between two and twenty letters already…”

The poor kid sees that everyone else has been getting letters, yet he hasn’t received a single one. It makes me so sad to think that he feels like no one cares enough to write. My parents mailed their first reply on Saturday, but since the Post Office was closed on Monday, it probably won’t arrive until today. At least, I hope it arrives today so it can lift his spirits. I also wrote him a letter, so hopefully he’ll get that soon. I know he’s feeling alone, especially in such a difficult environment. I can’t even imagine some of the things that they have to do during training. It’s exhausting both mentally and physically. I just hope that he stays positive and remembers that we all love and support him. Recently, we celebrated Memorial Day, which honors all those who died to serve our country. We should also remember to honor those who are in the beginning stages of this difficult journey, those who’ve been serving for years, those who’ve retired, as well as those who’ve lost their lives. Regardless of how I feel about war, I can’t deny that the men and women serving our country are making a huge sacrifice that some of us can’t even fathom. Even if a soldier is never called to war, every part of their journey is important, and their dedication deserves to be recognized. What these people are doing is both courageous and admirable.

Anyway, I’m not sure why, but I just wanted to share that. I don’t know how my brother would feel about being mentioned on my blog, but it’s not like I said anything embarrassing. Here’s hoping our letters make it to him soon, and that he realizes he is not alone. His graduation will be in July, so we’re all going to try to go. It’s in Oklahoma, which scares me a bit, but I think it’d be great for him to see us all there. Then after that, he’s off to Texas for his second training on being a health care specialist. That training should go more smoothly, I would think. They’ll probably be just as strict though. Everything requires so much discipline, you can’t even poop when you want to. I said “poop” on my blog. Way to make a serious post less serious. I believe that’s my cue to end this post. I hope you’re all having a great week so far. Is it Friday yet?

~Lily~

My little brother…all grown up.

I Don’t Get Why You Don’t Get That Song

There’s a song that many people just don’t get, and it’s not because the artist can’t pronounce the words correctly. NOPE, it’s just because people are retarded. “I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won’t Do That.” I’ve heard many people (yes, many) say that they don’t get what it is that he WON’T do. (If you’re one of those people, well…no offense.) I mean, what’s not to get? It’s all in the song. Are you perhaps not listening to the lyrics? Are you just ignorant? This song has been around forever, and I simply cannot have people NOT understand this song any longer, so I’m here to explain. You’re welcome.

Contrary to the stupid answer provided on Wiki Answers, he is NOT taking back the things he just promised to do. In every chorus, he provides two things he’d do, and one he won’t. Then he repeats at the end, “But I won’t do that” referring to the last thing that he just said he wouldn’t do. Like OMG, it’s not that hard. Why is your brain malfunctioning? I believe the confusion comes after he repeats the “I won’t do that” line. Apparently, everyone forgets what he’s referencing after he repeats this line several times. It’s like some brains are incapable of holding on to this connection for longer than 2 seconds. Here’s a breakdown of the things he WON’T DO:

But I’ll never forget the way you feel right now, oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, I won’t do that

But I’ll never forgive myself if we don’t go all the way tonight
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no I won’t do that

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no I won’t do that

But I’ll never stop dreaming of you every night of my life, no way
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no I won’t do that

And when he repeats the following part a million and one times, “that” refers to all the things he wouldn’t do. (I know, it’s like rocket science or something. *Snort*) So “that” isn’t so mysterious after all. It’s all in the song lyrics if only you’d JUST PAY ATTENTION.

I would do anything for love, anything you’ve been dreaming of
But I just won’t do that (referring to all the things above!)
I would do anything for love, anything you’ve been dreaming of
But I just won’t do that (see, it’s not so complicated!)

I know this post will be far from popular, but that’s okay. You’re probably used to my less-than-stellar posts by now.  Blogger’s block has been going on for MONTHS now. Le sigh…

~Lily~