Less Than Sober Musings

*Fiction. Satire-ish.*

Dear Matt,

They say drunk people shouldn’t write letters they might regret, but this is me saying “fuck them.” I have a few drinks in me and a few things to say. Sober or inebriated, I have excellent writing skills. Although I do have a short attention span which could cause… There was this one time I was stopped at a light, and saw this bright red Ferrari. Man, it was a beauty! I started to get out of my car as the light turned green, and…but then I digress.

So, it’s been like a month since we broke up. I’m so over you. I only occasionally wake up all sweaty from my sex dreams. You’re always in them. I think that’s normal though. I’ll have to make an appointment with my therapist. You would like my therapist; I should arrange for us to accidentally run into each other. She’s quite pretty. Kind of like me. You’d probably want to fuck her brains out. Like you did to your secretary. Oooh, you thought I didn’t know? Thought I didn’t SEE that with my own two eyes? Remember that time…

I’ve decided to give dating another try. Why am I telling you? Because I’m drunk, you asshole. I think you have the right to know. Not that you gave a shit about me when we were dating. You didn’t even know where I was half the time. I could have been dead, lying in a ditch somewhere. But I guess you didn’t have time to notice between your visits with your secretary, your ex-secretary, your second cousin (that’s still gross), your best friend’s sister, and the whore from across the street. The whore had a lot of cute outfits though. I wouldn’t mind having her number.

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You are such a dick. I’m going to find myself someone who’s less of a dick. But with a bigger one. Don’t worry, I know what I mean. He’ll make me happy and he’ll take care of me. And he won’t have a secretary or a second cousin or a best friend’s sister or a whore. He’ll have me! What’s left of me anyway. I wasted five years of my life with you. You cheated on me fifty million times. You never remembered my birthday or our anniversary. You often forgot about our plans, and would leave me all alone in a big fancy restaurant. But no, don’t worry, that’s not embarrassing or pathetic at all. Everyone tried to warn me about you early on, but no…I figured it out myself! It only took me…five years of emotional abuse.

As my buzz slowly fades, I think I said all I needed to say. And if you don’t get it, then you don’t get it…because I’m drunk and rambling you’re an idiot. An idiot I was very much in love with, and who I still love. An idiot who “did” me good and dirty, despite your shortcomings. If you asked me to marry you, I would say yes. Oh my Gosh, that’s so embarrassing, I can’t believe I said that. I think I want to have your babies. They’d be stupid but so cute! If nothing else, you’re so fucking hot. Don’t read too much into this. I still fucking hate you. Eat shit and die.

Yours truly,

Tina

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© Lily