I Know What Doctors Really Want

*This post might be considered slightly inappropriate.*

What is it with doctors wanting to see us naked? I understand my chest would need to be exposed if I was going in for open-heart surgery, but what about a tonsillectomy? Are my clothes blocking your access to my tonsils? Really? If I needed stitches on my wrist, would I have to get undressed for that too? I think doctors are just looking for whatever free porn they can get. Not cool, doctor, not cool. Get your dose of porn off the internet like everyone else does.

Visits to the doctor are never pleasant. Being seen at your worst by a complete stranger is cruel and unusual punishment. Sitting on your back with your mouth wide open, teeth being scraped to death. Being weighed when you’d rather keep those extra pounds a secret. Having your breasts felt up, fondled mercilessly. Having your dark place inspected by a cold metal object and a gloved hand. For men, having your junk inspected while you turn and cough. For everyone in their 50s and older, being on your stomach and having an object go UP a place where crap things should only come DOWN.

I understand that, for health reasons, these things probably need to be done. But who grows up and decides that THIS is what they want to do? “When I grow up, I want to inspect people’s assholes colons!” “When I grow up, I want to be a down there doctor! I want to look at them all day!” I’m not trying to ridicule these professions. I know someone has to do it, but I just can’t imagine actually wanting to. Why would a straight woman want to look at vaginas all day long? A straight man WOULD want to look at vaginas all day, and that’s highly disturbing, don’t you think?

I’m onto you, doctors. I know what you really want out of that high-paying job. I know that you don’t really want to keep us healthy. It’s all about free porn. The lengths people will go to for free porn is just sickening. Shame on you, doctor, shame on you.


36 thoughts on “I Know What Doctors Really Want

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  1. YAY.. I finally got an email update for your blog.. I’m so happy now!!!!!! Okay.. my horror story about drs.. I went to a plastic surgeon a few months back to see about having a tummy tuck and my butt put back where it belongs and not behind my knee’s… so I’m standing there naked.. the doctor is pulling on my extra love around the edges and then goes “it’s not aesthetically pleasing to look at, is it?” This from a man who probably weighed 110 lbs, stood 5’1″ and had hair at least 7 inches high on top of his head!!!!

    1. Yay, glad it finally works! WHAT?! He said that? What a douche mini doctor, how effing rude! Doctors get paid all that money, you’d think they could have a better bedside manner! 😉

  2. I’m always amazed at what some Doctors specialize in like dermatology.. why study icky skin stuff..
    I always have Female doctors

  3. Haha so true. It seems they are always looking for a reason to invade me vagina. Oh you have a yeast infection, no. I understand that you’re a grown woman that could buy yeast medicine over the counter but you’re allergic. If you want the pills that are the only thing that can help you, you have to let me in there for a bit. Grrrrrrr

  4. Two things I’ve never understood about hospital gowns –

    1. unless you’re having an op on your bum, most ops will surely require the surgeon to access the front of your body, so why do gowns always gape open at the back rather than the front?

    2. why do hospital gowns still come with ties rather than velcro fasteners (esp when you are trying to tie knots behind your back without being able to see what you’re doing)

  5. Lol! I still haven’t been to my Obgyn in years…I know I should go but I just hate all that invasion. I used to have a male Obgyn and once he was doing a breast exam for me I wanted to laugh out loud. He was lifting and almost fondling me… I have the tiniest boobs ever I feel like you can look at them and know what’s up but no, he had to touch and touch…yuck!

    1. Can’t blame you, I’m overdue too. It’s hard to schedule an appointment to be fondled, ya know? Lol. Haha, that’s too funny. I would definitely stay away from male doctors, they just creep me out!

  6. I lost it at “…having an object go UP a place where crap things should only come DOWN.” Oh my goodness, this is what I’ve been saying for years! I totally understand the wanting to be healthy and making sure everything is healthy, BUT COME ON. And now I’m thinking aside from the free porn, they’re also secretly sadists. Kind of like people who drive Volkswagen Beetles. (Why else drive a car that causes everyone else to punch each other?)

    1. Haha, glad you enjoyed it. 😉 I know, there is just nothing more mortifying than these doctors visits. Ick! Dirty bastards. Totally get the Volkswagen Beetle reference. I could probably make a whole post about THAT car, if you can even call it a car! 😀

  7. You and me both, Lily. I’ve NEVER gone to a doctor without having the very uncomfortable suspicion that said doctor was secretly getting a kick out of checking me out. Unless the doctor was female and even then, it was only a dermatologist. The most awkward time I had was when I got a rash in the chest area and my mom took me to see a doctor…. who also happened to be a classmate’s father. I mean obviously I know he’s only going to be super respectful but still, letting him inspect my chest with only a bra on wasn’t an experience I’d want to do again, rash or no rash.

    1. Can’t blame you, doctors creep me out! Ugh, that sounds so awkward, a classmate’s father, ick! I think the worst is having a father who’s a gynecologist, or EVEN worse…marrying a gynecologist. OMG, can’t imagine! But yeah, it’s no wonder I’m not a fan of going to any kind of doctor! 😉

  8. I saw that guy in your first picture the last time I was in the hospital visiting someone – I swear he had exactly the same bum (but it was really hairy!)
    I always go to a female doctor for the vag exams (my vag is really smart) 😀

  9. In some teaching hospitals, if you have a medical anomaly of some kind they will call a student in so he/she can experience the anomaly too; that’s how they learn.
    ‘I’m sorry Miss Lily, but would you mind if our interns come and take a look at this, it really is quite magnificent.’

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