The Less Than Stellar Psychiatrist

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Psychiatrist: So, what brings you here on this fine day?

Patient: Oh doc, the most awful thing has happened. Just awful. You see…

Psychiatrist: Whoa there, slow down, I’m not a machine. These notes don’t write themselves!

Patient: Oh, um, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bombard you like that. I really am…

Psychiatrist: Ok look, you don’t need to be so apologetic either. Don’t be such a wimp. Go on.

Patient: Um, doc…are you okay? I’m sensing a little resentment.

Psychiatrist: Are you shitting me? Who’s sitting in the chair and who’s lying on the couch?

Patient: Well, actually, you’re the one lying on the couch today.

Psychiatrist: Oh fuck me. I’m exhausted, OKAY? But if it makes you feel better, you take the couch.

Patient: No doc, it’s okay, you can stay.

Psychiatrist: So now you think you can tell me what to do?

Patient: Oh no, I didn’t mean to come across that way. You’re taking this all wrong.

Psychiatrist: All wrong, huh? So now you’re calling me an idiot?

Patient: Oh dear, I don’t think you’re understanding. I mean….

Psychiatrist: NOT UNDERSTANDING? I have a Master’s degree. I am A GENIUS!

Patient: I have no doubt about that.

Psychiatrist: Are you frigging patronizing me?

Patient: …

Psychiatrist: Well?

Patient: Can we go back to my problem?

Psychiatrist: That’s the problem with you people, you think the whole world revolves around you. News flash…it doesn’t!

Patient: I know it doesn’t, but you see, I pay you an awful lot of money to listen to my problems.

Psychiatrist: Ha! You’re so pathetic, bribing somebody to listen to you.

Patient: Well, you ARE a psychiatrist. That’s kind of what you get paid to DO.

Psychiatrist: …

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Patient: Umm, is everything okay?

Psychiatrist: That just seems wrong. I should be willing to listen to you for free.

Patient: Thanks, that’s nice of you to say.

Psychiatrist: Gotcha! I’d rather shoot myself than listen to you talk. I mean, can you think of anything more BORING?

Patient: Wow.

Psychiatrist: Blah-blah-blah, me-me-me, YAWWWNNN!

Patient: Okay, I don’t have to take this.

Psychiatrist: *Mocking* Okay, I don’t have to take this!

Patient: Are you mocking me?

Psychiatrist: Are you mocking me?

Patient: This is un-freaking-believable.

Psychiatrist: This is un-freaking-believable!

Patient: Enough. We’re done here.

Psychiatrist: Enough! We’re done here! Na-na-na-na-na!

Patient: …

Psychiatrist: …

© Lily (Yes, I wrote this.)

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