Psychiatrist: So, what brings you here on this fine day?
Patient: Oh doc, the most awful thing has happened. Just awful. You see…
Psychiatrist: Whoa there, slow down, I’m not a machine. These notes don’t write themselves!
Patient: Oh, um, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bombard you like that. I really am…
Psychiatrist: Ok look, you don’t need to be so apologetic either. Don’t be such a wimp. Go on.
Patient: Um, doc…are you okay? I’m sensing a little resentment.
Psychiatrist: Are you shitting me? Who’s sitting in the chair and who’s lying on the couch?
Patient: Well, actually, you’re the one lying on the couch today.
Psychiatrist: Oh fuck me. I’m exhausted, OKAY? But if it makes you feel better, you take the couch.
Patient: No doc, it’s okay, you can stay.
Psychiatrist: So now you think you can tell me what to do?
Patient: Oh no, I didn’t mean to come across that way. You’re taking this all wrong.
Psychiatrist: All wrong, huh? So now you’re calling me an idiot?
Patient: Oh dear, I don’t think you’re understanding. I mean….
Psychiatrist: NOT UNDERSTANDING? I have a Master’s degree. I am A GENIUS!
Patient: I have no doubt about that.
Psychiatrist: Are you frigging patronizing me?
Patient: Can we go back to my problem?
Psychiatrist: That’s the problem with you people, you think the whole world revolves around you. News flash…it doesn’t!
Patient: I know it doesn’t, but you see, I pay you an awful lot of money to listen to my problems.
Psychiatrist: Ha! You’re so pathetic, bribing somebody to listen to you.
Patient: Well, you ARE a psychiatrist. That’s kind of what you get paid to DO.
Patient: Umm, is everything okay?
Psychiatrist: That just seems wrong. I should be willing to listen to you for free.
Patient: Thanks, that’s nice of you to say.
Psychiatrist: Gotcha! I’d rather shoot myself than listen to you talk. I mean, can you think of anything more BORING?
Psychiatrist: Blah-blah-blah, me-me-me, YAWWWNNN!
Patient: Okay, I don’t have to take this.
Psychiatrist: *Mocking* Okay, I don’t have to take this!
Patient: Are you mocking me?
Psychiatrist: Are you mocking me?
Patient: This is un-freaking-believable.
Psychiatrist: This is un-freaking-believable!
Patient: Enough. We’re done here.
Psychiatrist: Enough! We’re done here! Na-na-na-na-na!
© Lily (Yes, I wrote this.)