When you stumbled upon my little blog, you probably never thought I’d be providing you with breaking news updates. That’s probably because I’ve never done so, therefore you’d have no reason to expect such a thing. But what do you know, there’s a first time for everything. (This post WILL be weird. And do you know why? Because I’m awesome weird.)
According to a recent study done by BunchaBull, we have reason to believe that approximately 90% of all bugs are suicidal. That is a very alarming percentage, indeed. Only a small 10% are true optimists, living life to the fullest, never knowing when they’ll have the misfortune of being on the wrong end of a shoe.
Sadly, the majority of these creatures are pessimists, believing that no matter how hard they work, they will never be appreciated. Rather than just letting things happen, they’ve decided to take the reins and end their miserable little lives. If you don’t believe it, just take a look inside your home. They are crying out for feces help.
House invasion is the most popular method of bug suicide. Possibly, it’s the only method. Notice the spider hanging by a thread, slowly making its way down to the floor. SUICIDAL. It knows you’ll see it and of course you’ll kill it. That fly buzzing around your ear over and over again, taunting you. DEATH WISH. That nasty whatchamacallit just chilling on the wall, daring you to do something. IT. WANTS. TO. DIE.
Why else would a sane bug just wander into a house full of humans? They have no will to live. Depression hurts. They know humans have little to no regard for a bug’s life, so this is a fool-proof suicide plan. We can do one thing to help, and that’s to kill them quickly. They suffer enough just by being tiny and disgusting. Our studies recommend keeping your shoe pressed firmly against the bug for a full 5 seconds. Otherwise, you might end up slicing off a couple of legs, killing an organ or two, and leaving them to die slowly. Tragic, truly tragic.
Not much can be done to avoid future bug suicides. There are very few bug therapists out there, and even fewer bugs who are interested in discussing their personal issues. Bug suicide is just another fact of life that we are forced to accept. It’s a cruel world. Do your part and be as compassionate as possible. A quick death is the best kind of death.
I knew you couldn’t have lived without this breaking news, so you’re welcome. Don’t forget, you heard it here first.
© Lily F
They sound more like people than bugs. Just a thought that whizzed through my head.
They are people. Super tiny, super creepy, super gross people. 😉
That’s funny.. We think a lot alike. About 2 years ago I posted on Facebook about the mass suicide of worms at my job and wondered what went so wrong in their lives that hundreds of them would do such a thing… 🙂
Haha, that’s funny! Mass suicide man, it’s a serious problem in the bug world. 😉
So that explains why the mosquitoes dive head first into my bug zapper 🙂
Exactly, they’re frustrated and desperate! 😉
See…Now I understand why all the little “love bugs” here in Florida throw themselves at my front bumper and windshield! It’s suicide by car… They probably watched Romeo and Juliet a few times too many & weren’t able to readily find a poison that old work.
See, it all makes sense now. Suicide by car bumper might even be quicker than suicide by house invasion. 😉
It’s all that existential angst, confirmed by biology. “Sometimes I feel like I’m nothing more than some meaningless ant scurrying along the hill… Aw, crap, I AM just an ant on the hill!”
Haha, there you go, that’s exactly it. 🙂
Holy funny times a million. I showed this to a friend who said “that was really funny” she doesn’t have a blog so chalk that up as another like. The humane way to kill a bug, leave your shoe on it for 5 seconds. Depression hurts. This was really funny! What made you think of it? Depression commercial, or suicidal bug?
Aw, thanks for sharing with a friend! I’m glad you both liked it. I had thought of this a while back and jotted it down on my list of things to blog about. A couple days ago I decided to go for it. 😀
Ha, well good job it was very funny. And of course I am not going to keep stuff I like a secret!
Aren’t I weird… 😉
Saying big prayers that the random tribe of flies who are camping in my perfectly clean house (ok, ok, mostly almost clean looking house) will follow suit.
Haha, surely they will. 90% of bugs do, so the odds are on your side. 😉
I am constantly doing my part to assist the entire bug community by dispatching of these sad, pathetic, depressed creatures. I am a true humanitarian. Or, um, bugatarian?
The only thing we have to fear is . . . suicide bug bombers. It’s really only a matter of time!
A true “bugatarian” indeed! Lol. Oh dear, suicide bug bombers. I hope they don’t get THAT desperate… 😉
There has to be some sort of emergency bug suicide phone line for them to call. Bugs are people, too! Well, sort of.
Lol, bugs are people too…ish. 😉 They should have an emergency hotline…too bad bugs are loners and dislike sharing their feelings with others. 😉
You know, I never thought of it that way before but you might be onto something. I used to think bugs were trying to invade our homes but just going about it the wrong way. Because you know, they’re dumb so obviously they don’t know what violent weapons (aka bug spray) we have at our disposal. This suicide thing though kind of puts a different spin on things. Oh shoot…. am I starting to feel a little sorry for them??
Aw, you’re sympathizing with them now! Haha. Yeah, turns out they’re not dumb, just suicidal. Haha. 😉
That entry just kind of bugged me.
Oh stop it. That wasn’t funny.
Thank for this essay, it has made me rethink my bug killing practices! I’ll definitely be more swift in my killing strategies going forward. Too funny this post!!
Lol, thanks. I’m glad this post served for something. I’ll definitely be more considerate with my bug killing too. 😀
Man bugs are so gross. I hate killing them, but I can’t sleep unless they are dead or out of the house. Hah I loved “SUICIDAL.” hah so dramatic.
Omg, I know. I HATE seeing them right before bed. I feel bad killing them but I HAVE to. And then I feel like I’m surrounded by them, ugh. Stupid imagination. But yeah, they’re totally suicidal. 🙂
You’re so funny, Lily. I know I’ll be laughing about this all night now! 😀
Aw, thanks Dianne! I try. 😉
It seems to come very easy for you (and I know it’s not easy to write humour – which makes me admire you even more) 😀
You’re too kind. Trust me, I struggle with it more than you think! 😉
This is a revelation in which I am flabbergasted to learn! 😉
Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t see why this couldn’t be true. Drat, now I feel bad for all those little itty bitty bugs I squished because they were annoying.
Except the spiders. SCREW THE SPIDERS.
Haha, I HATE spiders! The web thing is an unfair advantage that they use against us. But yeah, I do feel bad when I kill them. But hey, they’re suicidal, that’s what they want. 😉
I’m not a bug therapist. But I refuse to kill bugs. I will NOT even kill a spider. I beg my husband to save their lives. Maybe I should consider becoming a bug advocate?
Oh wow, go you! After I kill one, I always think, “Oh man, maybe I should have saved it.” Too late though, lol. I do feel bad though every time. It’s just I can’t STAND when they’re in MY room…of all places, come on!
You should be a bug advocate…or therapist. 😉
“That fly buzzing around your ear over and over again, taunting you. DEATH WISH.” Explains so much. I always thought it was just the kids leaving the door open. Truly enlightening.
Hey, found your site by way of Sonya at Ducksoup. So glad to be here. Really funny stuff!
Hi Ken! I’m so glad you found me through Sonya! This was one of my favorite posts. They’re not all great but I hope you stick around. And yes, bugs are DEFINITELY suicidal…it explains so much…haha. 😉