When you stumbled upon my little blog, you probably never thought I’d be providing you with breaking news updates. That’s probably because I’ve never done so, therefore you’d have no reason to expect such a thing. But what do you know, there’s a first time for everything. (This post WILL be weird. And do you know why? Because I’m awesome weird.)
According to a recent study done by BunchaBull, we have reason to believe that approximately 90% of all bugs are suicidal. That is a very alarming percentage, indeed. Only a small 10% are true optimists, living life to the fullest, never knowing when they’ll have the misfortune of being on the wrong end of a shoe.
Sadly, the majority of these creatures are pessimists, believing that no matter how hard they work, they will never be appreciated. Rather than just letting things happen, they’ve decided to take the reins and end their miserable little lives. If you don’t believe it, just take a look inside your home. They are crying out for feces help.
House invasion is the most popular method of bug suicide. Possibly, it’s the only method. Notice the spider hanging by a thread, slowly making its way down to the floor. SUICIDAL. It knows you’ll see it and of course you’ll kill it. That fly buzzing around your ear over and over again, taunting you. DEATH WISH. That nasty whatchamacallit just chilling on the wall, daring you to do something. IT. WANTS. TO. DIE.
Why else would a sane bug just wander into a house full of humans? They have no will to live. Depression hurts. They know humans have little to no regard for a bug’s life, so this is a fool-proof suicide plan. We can do one thing to help, and that’s to kill them quickly. They suffer enough just by being tiny and disgusting. Our studies recommend keeping your shoe pressed firmly against the bug for a full 5 seconds. Otherwise, you might end up slicing off a couple of legs, killing an organ or two, and leaving them to die slowly. Tragic, truly tragic.
Not much can be done to avoid future bug suicides. There are very few bug therapists out there, and even fewer bugs who are interested in discussing their personal issues. Bug suicide is just another fact of life that we are forced to accept. It’s a cruel world. Do your part and be as compassionate as possible. A quick death is the best kind of death.
I knew you couldn’t have lived without this breaking news, so you’re welcome. Don’t forget, you heard it here first.
© Lily F