She Is

She is
heart and soul,
a source of
utter joy,
and something more.

She is
mine and yours,
bigger than us both.
She is light
amongst so much dark.

She is
giggles and sighs,
the most beautiful of smiles.
Eyes bright with delight,
she is hope.

She is innocent and pure,
a new way of looking
at this world.
She is love,
she is joy.

She is art
where things once were dull.
She makes sense
of a senseless world.

She is warmth
in this unbearable cold,
she is hope
and so much more…
my baby girl.

 

© Lillian Figueroa — 12/2/2016

 

I Have A Fiancé?

Can you believe that I’m still not used to the idea of my boyfriend being my fiancé? I keep referring to him as my boyfriend, and people have to keep correcting me. Oops. How do you get used to changing someone’s label? He’s had the “boyfriend” label on him for so long now. That’s quite a bit of paperwork.

Now that I do, in fact, have a fiancé, I should probably start thinking about planning this thing, huh? Yeah, probably. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the adventure that is wedding planning. So many details, costs, stress. Ehhh, city hall, anyone? Don’t get me wrong, I love him and I’m excited to be getting married finally. And I’m really looking forward to dress shopping. But…that’s about it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to pick a date and a place and all the other nonsense involved. Don’t weddings seem to be more about the guests anyway? You have to feed them and impress them and stuff. Le sigh. I sound horrible, don’t I? But really, even applying for a marriage license sounds confusing. And they expire after only about 30 days. What the hell! Why should you even need a fucking license to get married? Driving a car, sure, but getting married? Ugh. You know how I feel about stupid rules.

My friend Michelle, whose beautiful wedding I was recently in, has been very helpful. It’s nice that she got to go through this first, because now I get to annoy her with questions, lol. And I’ll get to annoy my mom and all you lucky readers too! Any tips or suggestions are required welcome. Seriously, help me. How does one stay sane while trying to plan a wedding? Especially when said wedding is in Puerto Rico, and I live in New Jersey. WHAT??? How did I get myself into this mess? Oh yeah, because I said, “Yes!”

~Lily~

P.S. I really do love him. I know I’m complaining a lot, but that’s what future brides are supposed to do. I just want to have our special day and that’s it. Just cut the crap and skip right to the honeymoon happily ever after. Is that so bad?

See You In Germany

Shame on me, I haven’t posted about my brother (in the Army) in a while! He finished his Advanced Individual Training (with Honors) right before Thanksgiving, and has been home since. It was definitely great being able to spend some time with him, and listening to some of his stories. He’s leaving for Germany on Thursday for two years. Every single person we’ve heard from has had nothing but wonderful things to say about Germany. The only sucky thing is that it’s not cheap flying to/from Germany, so we won’t see him unless we fly there. Yikes! Still, it’ll be a great experience for him. I’m sure there’s lots to see, and he’ll be able to visit France and other places while he’s there too. I’m happy for him and wish him nothing but the best, and a very safe trip there! Hopefully we’ll find a way to visit him, because two years is a long time.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick update. Even though it’s been a while, it’s still weird when I think about my brother being in the Army. How’d that happen? But we’re all very proud. He’s done great (got lots of certificates/awards) and I think it’s cool that he’s learned all these things. (He’s a medic.) He’s thinking of making a career out of this, so good for him! That’s all for now. Auf Wiedersehen! That’s goodbye in German…

~Lily~

Just To Summarize…

This has been an interesting week, to say the least. Two major things happened, two things which are so contrary to one another.

On Tuesday morning, I looked outside the window to see that it was currently snowing, and slowly accumulating. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t even want to go to work when it’s raining, let alone snowing. I thought, maybe they’ll close the office or something, or at least send an e-mail for us to drive safe and use our best judgement. That didn’t happen, so against my better judgement, I went to work. And then this happened…

…………

………

……

…

.

I got into an accident, in case you couldn’t figure that out. And it’s not that I was driving carelessly. I swear I’m a good driver. I was coming up to a light and started braking, and the car just wouldn’t stop. I was scared so I pressed on the brakes harder, which I now realize is the opposite of what you should do when there’s snow/ice on the road. So BAM. My first fender bender. (And hopefully the last.) The other car was perfectly fine, no visible damage. It was a large mini-van with an enormous bumper. I was so pissed, because I should’ve just listened to my lazy gut and stayed home.

Then yesterday, (Wednesday) this happened…

It’s about time!

I got engaged! Finally! We’ve only been in a relationship for nearly a decade, counting the years we were in a long-distance relationship. We were having dinner with my parents and my brother at Friday’s. (Fancy, I know…) We were talking and all of a sudden, he goes, “Well…anyway…before I leave for Puerto Rico…will you marry me?” And I said, “Really?! Here?” And then I said, “Yes, of course!”  I was laughing the whole time, because it was so random, very few words, no getting down on one-knee. But I always knew he wasn’t the most creative or romantic type of guy. It almost felt like it wasn’t happening, because it was so random. But hey, we love each other and that’s all that matters. About an hour after he proposed, it hit me. “Crap, now I need to PLAN this thing?” Yeah, guess I’m not so romantic myself.

Accident one day, proposal the next day. Who knew?!

~Lily~

Rules (And Taxes) Can Bite Me

How does a person become the rule maker? Because I want to be that person. Current rule makers are busy making rules that are retarded as fuck only serve to annoy people and make them do more work than necessary. Renewing your license, for example. Why must we fill out that stupid form (every time!) and bring 6-points worth of documents with us? It’s not like those documents actually prove that we know how to drive. (Yeah, because my being born really proves that I’m a responsible driver.) Then when you complain, all you hear is, “Sorry, but those are the rules…” That’s  the worst excuse in the world. Somebody MADE UP those rules, and they could easily unmake them if they weren’t such a giant butt-hole.

Buying a house is a great example of how much rules suck. Now that we’re considering buying a house, (because paying rent is the equivalent to throwing your money out the window on a windy day) we’re realizing just how annoying all these rules are. Why can’t you just find a house, make an offer, mortgage approved, sign, and be done with it? That’s complicated enough without all the back and forth, figuring out your budget, attorney/Realtor costs, inspection/appraisal costs, closing cost, other costs that they sneak in there, plus making sure the house has all the necessary C.O.’s. What the fuck? I thought there was only one C.O. Now I find out that if you finish a basement, you need a permit. If you add a garage or extend the bedroom or add a fucking window, there’s a permit for that shit too.

Why do you need permission to make a house better? Oh right, because even if you pay it off, the damn thing is never yours. You’ll pay taxes for the rest of your life, which is basically just a slightly lower mortgage. Why are we forced to pay taxes? Is it because those are the rules? You must pay taxes until you die. But only because they haven’t figured out a way to charge taxes on the other side. Do you realize that with cars and homes, we pay more in taxes than the car or house is worth? If the land is just sitting there NOT doing anything, why do we need to pay $5,000 – $20,000 for the grass that just happens to sit around the house? Because the money funds the schools? FIND ANOTHER WAY TO PAY FOR SCHOOLS!

This post was only supposed to be about how much rules suck, but then I realized that taxes suck even harder. And not winning the lottery sucks the most. Because if you win the lottery, you don’t have to worry about how much to put down while still leaving enough money for attorney/Realtor/closing costs, AND leaving enough for house repairs and/or an emergencies. Not to say that money fixes everything, but…yeah, it kinda does. So fuck.

~Lily~

Talking To Yourself

Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. We are all guilty of this. And if you think you’re not, then you’re a liar. I don’t necessarily talk to myself (out loud) but I definitely think to myself. Or sometimes whisper. Usually I’m home alone when I do this, so I’m not embarrassing myself. Not that there’s anything to be ashamed of, because talking to yourself does not make you crazy. (Just keep telling yourself that…out loud.) HOWEVER, when you talk/whisper/think to yourself in a foreign accent, now THAT’S crazy. I don’t know how this little habit of mine got started. It’s never just one accent either. It can be British, French, Southern, or some unknown and completely made-up accent. Maybe I’ve always done it, or maybe I only just started losing my marbles. I didn’t realize until just last week, and once I noticed, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Talking and laughing to myself. Nope, definitely no crazy genes here.

I also tend to make funny faces at myself in the mirror. It amuses me. You’re judging me, aren’t you? It’s not like I do this every day. Just when I’m really bored and standing in front of a mirror. (Basically, every day.) Tell me, do you think I’m crazy? Do you do talk to yourself in different accents or make funny faces? Please say yes, it’ll make me feel SO much better. Or don’t, whatever. I wouldn’t have a public blog full of stupid random things if I was afraid of being judged. So ha! Poor little blog. I used to fill it with semi-amusing thoughts or semi-decent poems, and now it’s not even semi anything. It’s okay though, because at least I can laugh about it…to myself…in a British accent…while making funny faces in the mirror.

~Lily~

Note: Lily’s brain can no longer handle the responsibility of writing a blog. It’s become too much. This is the kind of crap you’re gonna have to put up with until someone can figure out how to fix Lily’s brain. It’s a very risky procedure, so don’t hold your breath.

What Can I Say?

A month later, I force myself to open up WordPress and type something, anything. A month of silence, and rather than coming back inspired, I come back just as empty as before.  Perhaps even emptier. What can I say?

A month later, and not much has changed. Everything is as routine and boring as ever. Is life meant to be this way? Go to work, eat, sleep, and repeat? Shouldn’t there be more to life than that? I have no clue. What can I say?

A month later, and I find myself feeling more bitter every day. A month of double the work, double the stress, and half the appreciation. A month of wondering, is it even worth it? Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? What can I say?

Maybe in another month or so, I’ll have a new perspective. I’m not always this negative. Despite hating how quickly time flies, a part of me is excited for the new year. Work will slow down, the stress will ease, and maybe I’ll find time for inspiration. Maybe. I have this feeling that something exciting will happen in the near future. A symbolic ring, a promise of forever? Who knows. There’s a glimmer of hope, and something to look forward to. Until then…what can I say?

~Lily~

Help, I’m Trapped In My Shirt

Can someone please explain how it’s possible to put on a shirt, and then not know how the hell you’re supposed to take it OFF? I can’t be alone here. It was a day like any other day. (Pretending to sound dramatic.) I received my online order, and was excited to try everything on. In hindsight, that was very naïve of me. I grabbed the first blouse, but hesitated putting it on because of the lack of stretch. I should’ve known not to take the risk, but what the hell, what’s life without a little risk? Trying on clothes is fun! Well, it was easy enough getting into. While it was on, it looked fine. A little loose, but in a good way, because who needs to see my love handles?

But then…THEN…I decided I should take it off and try on the next top. Makes sense, because when you try something on, you’ll eventually need to take it off. Easier said than done. Maybe I never learned how to properly remove my clothing. Maybe I’m just totally clueless. Or maybe there needs to be a law about all tops having at least 5% elasticity in the waist and shoulder areas, for those of us who are, you know…NOT PERFECT. Because maybe some people have broader shoulders than others, and can’t just gracefully remove the top over their head. Maybe some people can’t bend their elbows awkwardly enough in order to find their way out of the arm-hole. Maybe, asshole, it shouldn’t be so damn complicated to take off a fucking shirt.

Attention, clothes-maker. The removal of one’s clothing should not cause one to sweat, you hear me? Absolutely not. Removal of one’s clothing should also not cause slight to moderate panic attacks at the thought of being trapped in the garment forever, or the thought of having to scissor your way through a brand new shirt. None of these things should happen. EVER. Maybe if I had a perfectly proportional body, it wouldn’t be such a workout to get in and out of non-stretchy tops. Perhaps the clothes were being intentionally difficult, so as to inspire me to work out or chop off my love handles and shoulders. Or maybe none of that should matter, because who the hell are you to judge? Just make your clothes stretchy and forgiving, would you? I should hope this incident will not soon repeat itself. You’ve been warned, evil clothes-makers. So beware. Because, yeah. There’s jack shit I can do about it.

~Lily~

If Time Were Human, He’d Be An Asshole

I have a little time to kill (at work, shh, don’t tell anyone), so I thought, “Why not type to myself?” Why not, because sane people do that all the time. In fact, typing to oneself might be considered healthy. Haha. Okay. So, it’s September. It took me a couple of weeks to face that hard fact, and now all of a sudden, it’s about to be October. Do you know what that means? That it’s officially not summer anymore. It’s officially allowed to be cold in October. Didn’t we JUST do this, like, a couple of months ago? Didn’t I JUST escape to Puerto Rico to avoid part of the winter? Well, here we are again. Welcome to the concept of time…it fucking sucks.

I’m already 25. Shut up. I know you’re gonna say that 25 is very young, but guess what? It’s not. You know why? Because Britney Spears is 31. And I remember buying her first album when she was 16. SHE WAS 16 AND NOW SHE’S 31. That means that 15 years have gone by since then. How have I lived long enough for 15 years to have gone by just like that? A decade and a half. What the hell?! Sometimes I still feel like the 90’s weren’t that long ago, but OH NO, hold up, that was over 20 years ago. WHAT THE HELL?! What have I done with my life in those 20 years? Nothing, because life just keeps going on while I sit here trying to keep track of what year it is. Hey Time, what’s your rush? Slow the fuck down. Some of us want to stay alive for a few more years. And at this rate, I’ll be 50 before I can wrap my head around the fact that I’m no longer 20. Seriously, this isn’t funny anymore. It was cool when I was 12, and I wanted time to fly so that school would end. But guess what, I’m not in school anymore! Because I’m an old fart now. My eggs are drying up inside of me, and I’m still not married, so you’re kind of working against me. Do you think it’s funny that my eggs are rotting? HAHAHA! No, it’s not funny. What did I ever do to you, Mr. Asshole Time? What do you have against eggs?

You know what makes you even more of an asshole? The fact that an individual day (specifically, a day in the office) can go very slowly, but somehow, you still manage to make the years just fly by as if they never happened. AMAZING. I’m beginning to question if all these years did in fact happen. We’re all being robbed. You, my unfriend, are a vicious little thief. I want to grow old with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to grow old tomorrow, so take a chill-pill, Mr. Time! Maybe you should take up reading. There are more important things to do than to ensure that we all die, and die quickly. ASSHOLE.

Hey, look at that. I started off randomly typing to myself, and I ended up yelling at Mr. Time. Clearly, I am perfectly sane. It’s not like I talk to myself out loud like this all the time. Because, psshh, I totally don’t. Psshh…

~Lily~

Crickets, Meet Your Maker

Crickets and I have a love/hate relationship. As in, I love to hate them. Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote about a cricket problem. The noise was everywhere, haunting me. I stalked the crickets for days before my shoe finally found them. After they were gone, I could still hear them in my head. That’s how bad it was. I suppose they enjoy coming out to pester me this time of year because…they’re back! Did you know it was cricket season? Thanks for the warning.

I’ve yet to see one inside my apartment, but they’re close. Too close for comfort. Every single day, I see a cricket inside the foyer. (The space between the outside door and my apartment door…that’s a foyer, right?) In the last week or so, I’ve killed a handful of them. I’ve lost track. What the hell is going on with my foyer? Let me tell you, I am damn tired of being afraid to enter my own home! I open the outside door, close it, and before I unlock the second door, I do a cricket/critter check. It never fails, there’s always one. The other day, there was one just over my door. I knew it would jump inside my apartment if I cracked the door open, so I stood there like a moron, waiting for the chance to smack the shit out of it.

Do you believe that it’s bad luck to kill a cricket? Do you also believe in Santa Claus? I think it’s pretty ridiculous to believe that a cricket is good luck, and that to kill it would bring bad karma. If that were true, then I’m cursed! Who died and made crickets special anyway? Crickets are basically deformed spiders. They may not use web, but their jumping skills are not to be underestimated. My handle trembles every time I’m about to smack the life out of a cricket, because, ewww…what if it jumps on me in an effort to escape my shoe? *Cringes* I usually have to take a few swings before I finally nail the sucker, therefore increasing the odds of the cricket jumping on me. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

I live in repulsion fear of these pesky critters. No matter how many crickets I murder, they keep coming back for more. I think they’re ganging up against me, trying to see how many of them can make it inside my home. I’m doing the best I can, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to realize how serious this issue is. He left our apartment door open a crack yesterday. OPEN! The opening was large enough for a cricket to squeeze in. Simply unacceptable. I’m going to have to do something about that boyfriend of mine. How can he go on with his life, as if crickets weren’t a true menace to society my sanity?! How does he do it? *Sigh* Don’t worry about me though, I’m strong. I won’t let them win. They will not steal my sanity, not this time! (How can I lose something I never had to begin with? Yes, I just called myself crazy.)

~Lily~

P.S. Yes, I tend to exaggerate.