Funny Quotes

Just some funny quotes I found. Please note, I am NOT taking credit for any of these.

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” ~ Frank Sinatra

“I don’t understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I’m trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.”

“I hate when cashiers say, “Is that everything?” Uh no, I’d also like all this invisible crap.”

“Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.”

“Honestly, I don’t hate you, but if part of you was on fire and I had a glass of water…I’d drink it.”

“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.”

“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.”

“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.”

“I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.”

“There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.”

“I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.”

“Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?”

“Don’t think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.” ~ Woody Allen

“Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?”

“You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R.”

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.”

“Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?”

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” ~ Fred Allen

“The chicken came first – God would look silly sitting on an egg.”

“I don’t care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.”

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” ~ Scott Adams

“Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I’ll have a witty and blistering retort! You’ll be devastated THEN!” ~ Calvin & Hobbes

“The ‘bishop’ came to my church today. That guy was an imposter…he never once moved diagonally.”

“I watched a dog chase his tail for ten minutes and was like, “Wow, dogs are easily entertained.” Then I realized…I just watched a dog chase his tail for ten minutes!!”

“Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep right now.”

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?”

“If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”

“Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?”

“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

“Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?”