Sir, Did You Just Touch Your Penis?

I don’t particularly like shaking people’s hands. Especially people of the masculine, penis-wielding persuasion. See, believe it or not, there are still people who find it unnecessary to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Can’t fathom how anyone could be that ignorant/disgusting/stupid. Not washing your hands is never okay, but it’s somewhat forgivable for a woman. Usually, there is no need for a woman to actually touch her vagina during urination; that’s what toilet paper is for. And if a woman gets splash-back on her hands, surely good hand-washing would ensue, as women are generally disgusted by splash-back. Men, on the other hand, must always grasp their penis. Not properly grasping their penis would result in an inconceivable amount of splash-back. So, considering that men must always touch their penis, and factoring in how many men couldn’t care less about hygiene, how can one be comfortable shaking their penis-ridden hand? “Excuse me, sir, but did you just touch your penis? You’ll have to excuse me, but I would rather not shake your penis until I’ve gotten the chance to know you.” And truthfully, after getting to know the guy, you’d probably be even less inclined to shake their penis. Heaven knows where it’s been. That’s the truth, from my brain to your fortunate eyes.

P.S. I wanted to see how many times I could mention the word “penis” while still raising a valid point. I think I rose to the occasion. Pun intended. (I hope I didn’t offend any of you. I’ve been having so much trouble writing, that when this thought popped into my head, there was no way I could turn it down.)

~Lily~

In Other News, Nobody Cares

Omg, did you hear? Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again, and Amanda Bynes is hot on her trail. Drugs, wreckless driving, jail time, rinse and repeat. It’s like Charlie Sheen only younger and with breasts. Oh, I’m sorry, do you not care? Yeah, me neither. “So and so broke up and so and so is in jail again and so and so is doing drugs and so and so made a sex tape and now she’s super popular.” We’ve heard it all before, E! News, so please kindly suck it.

The regular news sucks balls as it is. Why do we need to have a separate news channel just for celebrities? Why are people so interested in the lives of the rich and the wasted? I think we have enough problems of our own, such as… Hm, if I buy that dresser, can I still afford that house? Should I be worried about global warming? Is E.L. James aware how many people wish they could strangle her with a riding crop? What should I wear to work today? What is that smell? And other more pressing issues.

Enough with the celebrity hoopla and enough with the makes-you-want-to-slit-your-wrists news. “So and so robbed an old lady and so and so beat up a store clerk and so and so shot 5 people and this world is absolute crap.” Bring back the stories about dogs saving their owners from death, babies with super-human strength, talking donkeys and flying pigs. Those are the things we want to hear about. Bring back rainbows and sunshine, damnit! Is that too much to ask?

In other news, it’s Monday and summer’s over and it’s cold and I don’t like it and I’m in denial and I don’t want to start wearing a coat and I’m just gonna sit on the couch all day wrapped up in a blanket and write a nice, long run-on sentence…and how’s that for pointless news.

~Lily~

What Facebook Has Taught Me

There is a right way and a wrong way to use Facebook. The right way is to keep in touch with family and friends, and share pictures occasionally. The wrong way is to post pictures of your underwear collection (or of yourself IN underwear), update your status every 5 minutes and #writelikethis, and the absolute worst way…is starting drama. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be judgmental. After all, the Facebook users who cause drama can be quite entertaining.

One of my Facebook “friends” has a lot of drama in his life. He has deactivated his Facebook account several times in the past, trying to get away from it all. He thinks drama is attracted to him, but the truth is, HE’S the one starting it. Almost two years ago, I noticed that he was in a relationship with this girl who looked young and stupid in love. Then I noticed a few interesting posts on his wall from a DIFFERENT girl. Naturally, I checked out the new girl’s profile and saw that she was “in a relationship.” Then I noticed that my “friend” was posting lovey-dovey things on her wall. So I was like, “Oh no, he didn’t! He’s dating two girls at the same time!” I found this highly entertaining and sad. His “official” girlfriend was posting stuff about how everyone was judging her boyfriend, but she loved him no matter what they said. YAWN. The “homewrecker” girl was talking shit and leaving sexy little comments on the guy’s pictures. Way to be obvious.

One day, I stumbled upon his profile and realized he had changed his status to “in a relationship” and had removed the “official” girlfriend’s name. UH-OH. If I remember correctly, the “official” girlfriend’s status had changed to “engaged” and had his name listed. “Engaged, what the F? When did this happen?” So she was still oblivious at that point. Eventually, my “friend” and “homewrecker” girl publicly acknowledged their relationship by tagging each other in their relationship status. The “official” girlfriend was officially dumped and broken-hearted. The new couple filled each other’s walls with crap posts and crap pictures. And sure enough, a few weeks later, they were over. So sad.

Then about a year ago, my “friend” found himself a new girl. She seemed just as naïve as the other two. (All the girls were a few years younger than he was.) This new girl wrote on his wall EVERY DAY, sharing with the WHOLE WORLD how much she loved him, how they were meant to be, how the haters could just shut up because they were NEVER going to break them up, blah-blah-blah. If you need to declare your love PUBLICLY on Facebook, there’s obviously something wrong with your relationship. They took A MILLION pictures together, and it was SO CUTE…gag me. There was plenty of drama for a while, haters talking shit, the couple defending their super serious, super special 3-month long relationship. Suddenly, all was quiet because he had deactivated his Facebook account again.

He reappeared about a month ago, and to my surprise, they were still together. Even more to my surprise, he posted a picture of a newborn baby…his son. “When the hell did that happen? I feel so lost.” I didn’t think they’d been together long enough to have had a baby. That’s when I discovered a picture of his new girlfriend with a baby bump. A NEW baby bump, as she was currently three months pregnant. Obviously, the newborn baby was not hers because she couldn’t possibly be three months pregnant if she had JUST given birth. I was shocked, but not really. I was impressed that they were still together, after he fathered a son with another “woman.” She was still writing about how much she loved him and how happy they were to be expecting a child. AWWW. Too bad this wasn’t a first for him.

Back to present day. Yesterday, I noticed a post from my “friend” stating that he’s sick of all the drama and will be deleting his Facebook account AGAIN. So I rolled my eyes and wondered, “What happened this time?” I know I shouldn’t care but I immediately checked out his profile. It turns out that he’s no longer in a relationship or Facebook friends with this poor pregnant girl, but I have no idea when or why that happened. I backtracked and noticed another girl (not the one who recently had his baby either) posting on his wall. She was being MORE THAN OBVIOUS about the fact that she was currently WITH HIM. So I thought, “OMG, what is wrong with you people? And why do I care?” But I clicked on her name anyway to check things out. Sure enough, she was listed as being “in a relationship” and I’m sure it’s with him. I also noticed a link that her best friend had posted, and was shocked when I saw who it was. Her best friend is the “homewrecker” from the beginning of this crazy story! Are you as shocked as I am? Of course not, you don’t give a shit.

I guess if I HAVE TO make a point, it’s that people need to be a little more careful with the shit they share on Facebook. I should not have had the opportunity to be so entertained by all that dating drama. If you’re gonna be a lying, cheating, two-timing scumbag, try to be a little less obvious about it. Maybe date ONE person at a time, preferably someone your own age, and you might want to consider wrapping up your tool so you don’t end up with a THIRD child. And don’t bitch about drama following you everywhere you go if YOU’RE the one starting it. Try keeping a low profile. That, my friends, would be the correct way to use Facebook.

If the person I’m writing about happens to google something that leads him to this post, I am SO very sorry. But nobody here knows who you are, what your name is, or what you look like. So, you know, it’s not so bad, right?

~Lily~

We Specialize In Taking Back Rights And Creating Taxes

The following is satire. So…don’t call the cops. If you have no sense of humor, the door is to your left.

photo credit: sohmer.net

I am so proud to be an American. And when I say proud, I mean super proud. Could not be more proud! *Beaming with pride* See?

What is there NOT to love about this amazing country? We started off as egotistical and unwelcoming, and doggonit, we’ve stuck to our guns! We’re nothing if not consistent. Growth is for spineless losers. We didn’t allow immigrants back then and we don’t allow them now! So what if all Americans are technically immigrants? The point is, we got here first! “Finders, keepers…losers, weepers.” – George Washington¹

We didn’t like colored folk back then, and what do you know, that hasn’t changed! We make sure our old-timers pass down these wonderful values to their children and grandchildren, so that hatred will never die. So what if millions of Americans² are obsessed with tanning in the hopes of changing their skin color. That’s not hypocritical, it’s our prerogative. But we’re still not crazy about those natural colored folk who don’t need to tan, no siree!

We were homophobic³ then, and we still are today! What kind of message would we be sending if we all of a sudden opened our hearts and minds, and started accepting gays? After hundreds of years, how could we just start making progress like that? Oh no, America would never do that to you. America doesn’t like change, and isn’t that just so refreshing? Aren’t we all breathing a collective sigh of relief?

America brings you many great things. RIGHTS! We love rights, don’t we? We are slowly but surely taking some back, but not all of them. Everything we do is in your best interest, not our own. There’s talk that we try to control everything but that couldn’t be further from the truth. After all, you still have the right to freedom of speech! Isn’t that most important? Just, you know, don’t cause a scene. Don’t give your opinion unless asked to. Otherwise, speech away!

There’s just ONE thing we need you to do in return for all the wonder that is America⁴. We need you to work hard. Easy enough, right? Just work hard, all the while sacrificing your free time, and struggle, struggle, struggle! We want you to work so hard, you won’t even notice the money going from your pocket to ours. Like a magic trick! That’s all we ask. And just when you think you’ve paid your dues, don’t worry! We’ll find a new excuse to squeeze out every last penny. It’s so easy to come up with bullshit taxes anyway, how else would we spend our time? Fighting hunger, keeping the streets safe? Haha, don’t be absurd.

Ain’t it grand? Just breathing in this polluted air fills me with happiness and pride. Don’t you feel it? Isn’t it contagious? “America! America! God shed His grace on thee!” And crown thy pocket with lots of money, all of it just for me!

~Lily~

1. This was obviously a joke…you got that, right? I’m pretty sure George Washington didn’t coin that phrase.
2. I don’t have an accurate number, but I’m pretty sure I’m close.
3. For the record, I am not racist or homophobic. In case that wasn’t clear, in which case, I should stop writing satires.
4. While America is flawed, I wouldn’t say I HATE it. So, don’t sue me, okay?

Lower, Lower…There, You Couldn’t Possibly Stoop Any Lower

How does one become a FAN of the contestants on the Bachelor shows? (Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette) Why would you idolize those people? They are morons just people, not well-known celebrities. (Actually, celebrities are just people too.) The contestants are just a group of idiots playing a game for money, or attention, or because they actually think it would be AMAZING to fall in love on a TV show. What’s so amazing about that? “I want to fall in love on TV, and then show my kids!” Seriously? What’s wrong with falling in love, oh I don’t know, the natural way? How on earth have those shows lasted so many years? What does that say about us? That we’re incapable of learning from our mistakes. So, so tragic.

How many of those “relationships” have worked out? Like 2½ out of 24? And those 2½ “relationships” can end any day now, because breaking up is totally their thing. I mean, it’s TOTALLY REALISTIC to think you can find Mr. or Mrs. Right on a TV show. With cameras up your ass in your face 24/7, and with dozens of people competing, all under the same roof in one drama-free environment. That’s definitely how God intended it to be. He was also hoping people would make fools of themselves prove their worth by doing things such as ribbon dancing, racing through a hot fudge sundae obstacle course, participating in a super boring made-up game show, all in the hopes of receiving a rose. Totally. HIS. Divine. Plan.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are about finding love. (Trust me, it was hard typing that with a straight face.) But Bachelor Pad rewards people with $250,000. WHY? What makes them worthy? “Hey, you seem like a real moron. Here, take this check for $250,000! You need it much more than the hungry, the homeless, or the unemployed!” Yeah, ABC, great way to spend your time and money. Not to mention, shows like this really fill people with pride. “I love Bachelor Pad, and I am a proud American.” NOT. You’re not taking offense to this, are you? Here, let me share some enlightening quotes with you!

“I’m a Scorpio and I will sting the shit of you, in retrospect. For real.” – Look up retrospect…for real.

“I’m gonna eat my kids’ hair sometime.” – Really, we all say this at some point in our lives.

“This just shows you, you really can’t trust anyone. It’s so sad.” – You mean, in a room FULL of people competing for $250,000, you have to be careful what you say and who you trust? NO EFFING WAY!

Now, I’m not being a hypocrite, if that’s what you’re thinking. I watch the show for the same reason people slow down to see a car accident…in the hopes of seeing a dead body. Totally kidding, I don’t do that. I just really enjoy watching so many stupid people all in one place, forming alliances, losing challenges and getting overly emotional. Not to mention, watching this show makes me feel so much more intelligent. I am not a FAN though. You’ll never find me walking through the “Bachelor Experience” in a wax museum. I feel nothing for those people, except maybe pity. A few of them seem like (somewhat) decent human beings. Most of them, though, are stupid, gullible, mean, conceited, slutty, conniving, awful liars…the list goes on. But you know, I can see why people idolize these amazing people; personally, they’re my heroes. Picture that sentence covered in bullshit and dripping with sarcasm.

So glad I finished high school for this. I’m totally gonna win.

Enough said.

~Lily~

The Way You Pulled In Makes Me Wish Your Father Had Pulled Out

Disclaimer: This post is gonna sound slightly hypocritical considering I recently crashed into a building while “parking” but let’s put that aside, shall we? Oh, you forgot about that? Damn, why do I keep bringing it up? Moving on…

Why aren’t we taught how to properly park? Better yet, why aren’t we taught how to fucking drive? I don’t know about other states, but in New Jersey, the road test (to get your license) consists of parallel parking, executing a k-turn, and driving in reverse. Parallel parking has got to be everyone’s worst nightmare. I’m still surprised I passed, trembling hands and all. Know how often I’ve parallel parked since then? Let me do a little math in my head, um, hmm, oh wait…NEVER!  Executing a k-turn? Much easier than the parallel thing but equally as unimportant. Driving in reverse? Wtf? I’m sorry, I prefer driving going FORWARD. (I know we need to reverse out of parking spaces, but you don’t often have to DRIVE in reverse…in a STRAIGHT line.) So, you do those three things and you’re granted a license. WOO HOO! Thank you MVC of NJ, you may now kindly take responsibility for all car accidents. Sheesh, I wonder why there are so many of them…

I could probably ramble on forever about bad drivers. We all deal with them on a daily basis. (Actually, now that I’m home every day, I don’t deal with them, but whatever.) People who tailgate, people who cut you off, people who drive 100mph, people who drive 10mph, people who won’t let you merge even though it would only take 2 seconds out of their life, people who are texting or doing their makeup, people who can’t stay in their lane, people who are brake-happy, people over the age of 65, etc. Oh, look at that, I didn’t mean to ramble but I did it anyway.

Anyway, the point of this post (is there ever one?) is bad parking. It never fails, whenever one person parks like an ass, the next person parks like an ass too. So then you’ve got a parking lot full of asses.  (Doesn’t smell pretty.) If one person would just put in a LITTLE effort, skip a space, and park as perfectly as possible, then they’d be setting a great example. And possibly (though not likely) the next person would be like, “Aw, look how well that person parked! So straight, and centered in their little space. I’m gonna park like that too!” I know, do I live on a cloud or something?

I HATE when cars (especially the tiny ones, wtf?) park practically on top of you. So close that you would need to climb in through the passenger door. (Or the sunroof if you’re surrounded by two assholes.) I can understand being a little crooked, but to park on top of people? What is wrong with you? How rude and inconsiderate. If you force me to climb in through the passenger door, you can bet your ass I’m gonna leave a nasty (but pretty) pink post-it on your car. The SUPER STICKY kind…take that! And then there are the people who double park. Is it just me, or is it always the people with small cars who do this? Do you think you own the place? I also hate, hate, hate when people just throw their doors open with no consideration to the car next to them. “Hey asswipe, are you gonna pay for my paint job? Oh no? Then unless you’re trying to make room for an elephant, learn how to open a fucking door!”

There, I think I’ve said what I needed to say. Want to find out if you’re an asswipe bad at parking? If you regularly do any of the following, then yes…you’re an asswipe. No offense. 😀

~Lily~

Aw shucks, you almost passed.

Really? Eat shit and die.

Oh wow, I didn’t realize you owned the whole parking lot.

A little effort goes a long way…

Okay, this one’s just for fun.

 

Man vs Dog

Man: Hey there, bud. How’s it hanging?

Dog: Hanging a little low, but I’m alright. You?

Man: Whoa…whoa! Did you just talk?

Dog: Did you just ask me a question?

Man: Um, yes…

Dog: Well, I answered it.

Man: But you’re a dog!

Dog: Yeah, and you’re a human. Great, glad we got that sorted out.

Man: This is just too cool!

Dog: Woof

Man: Meow?

Dog: And they say we’re dumb.

Man: Well, that’s not nice.

Dog: Don’t you want us to be honest and loyal?

Man: I guess so. Anyway, tell me something!

Dog: I’m hungry.

Man: Yeah! Tell me something else!

Dog: Listen jackass, I’m HUNGRY. Unfortunately, my superior intelligence doesn’t change the fact that I have 4 paws and no opposable thumbs. FEED ME.

Man: Oh right! In a minute. You just don’t know how cool this is!

Dog: Right…

Man: Man, I’m gonna be rich!

Dog: Sure you will, right after I win the gold medal.

Man: I just have to work on your attitude.

Dog: No one’s gonna believe you.

Man: Why wouldn’t they?

Dog: Because you’re a crazy person.

Man: Oh, really? Says the DOG who chases his tail and licks himself in the most inappropriate way!

Dog: Says the HUMAN who’s arguing with A DOG.

Man: Haha! Woman, you have to come see this!

Dog: Loser.

Woman: What’s going on?

Man: Listen, just listen!

Dog: Woof

Woman: Okay, he does that ALL the time.

Man: I swear, he talks! He told me he’s hungry! And he called me a loser!

Dog: Woof woof

Woman: *walks away and mutters under her breath* Idiot, I could have told you you’re a loser.

Man: Why’d you do that? Now she’ll never believe me!

Dog: That’s not my problem. I’m hungry.

Man: Oh, bite me.

Dog: Alright, if you insist…

© Lily

Take A Bow…Then Leave

*Satire-ish of an award acceptance speech*

Oh my Gosh, I just can’t believe it. I never thought anyone would like me, let alone nominate me! This is so cool and so nerve-racking, I think I might throw up. I must warn you, I repeat myself when I’m nervous. I repeat myself when I’m nervous. Gosh, thanks for thinking of me! I’m not even funny. I just PRETEND to be and somehow, I’ve fooled you all with my amazing acting skills! Oh my Gosh! *nervous laughter*

It’s such an honor. It’s such an honor. I, I, I don’t even know what to say! Thank you to all the people who waste their time idolizing me, it’s greatly appreciated! I don’t do any good for the community, but you love me anyway! Thanks for picking me, despite the negative comments being made about my being conceited. I am not conceited, I just really like myself.

Your never-ending support just goes to show how awesome I am! Maybe one day I can learn to be the amazing person you already think I am! For now, I’ll just continue using my superb acting skills to convince people of my greatness. It’s worked so far. It’s worked so far. Thank you to all the little people, thank you! I can’t say that I love you all but I can say that I love how much you love me! *raises award* I’m the best! I love me! Thank you. *slowly, very slowly, retreats from the microphone, bows 100 times, stares at reflection through shiny award, and finally exits stage*

~Lily~

The Less Than Stellar Psychiatrist

photo credit: neoneocon.com

Psychiatrist: So, what brings you here on this fine day?

Patient: Oh doc, the most awful thing has happened. Just awful. You see…

Psychiatrist: Whoa there, slow down, I’m not a machine. These notes don’t write themselves!

Patient: Oh, um, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bombard you like that. I really am…

Psychiatrist: Ok look, you don’t need to be so apologetic either. Don’t be such a wimp. Go on.

Patient: Um, doc…are you okay? I’m sensing a little resentment.

Psychiatrist: Are you shitting me? Who’s sitting in the chair and who’s lying on the couch?

Patient: Well, actually, you’re the one lying on the couch today.

Psychiatrist: Oh fuck me. I’m exhausted, OKAY? But if it makes you feel better, you take the couch.

Patient: No doc, it’s okay, you can stay.

Psychiatrist: So now you think you can tell me what to do?

Patient: Oh no, I didn’t mean to come across that way. You’re taking this all wrong.

Psychiatrist: All wrong, huh? So now you’re calling me an idiot?

Patient: Oh dear, I don’t think you’re understanding. I mean….

Psychiatrist: NOT UNDERSTANDING? I have a Master’s degree. I am A GENIUS!

Patient: I have no doubt about that.

Psychiatrist: Are you frigging patronizing me?

Patient: …

Psychiatrist: Well?

Patient: Can we go back to my problem?

Psychiatrist: That’s the problem with you people, you think the whole world revolves around you. News flash…it doesn’t!

Patient: I know it doesn’t, but you see, I pay you an awful lot of money to listen to my problems.

Psychiatrist: Ha! You’re so pathetic, bribing somebody to listen to you.

Patient: Well, you ARE a psychiatrist. That’s kind of what you get paid to DO.

Psychiatrist: …

photo credit: toonpool.com

Patient: Umm, is everything okay?

Psychiatrist: That just seems wrong. I should be willing to listen to you for free.

Patient: Thanks, that’s nice of you to say.

Psychiatrist: Gotcha! I’d rather shoot myself than listen to you talk. I mean, can you think of anything more BORING?

Patient: Wow.

Psychiatrist: Blah-blah-blah, me-me-me, YAWWWNNN!

Patient: Okay, I don’t have to take this.

Psychiatrist: *Mocking* Okay, I don’t have to take this!

Patient: Are you mocking me?

Psychiatrist: Are you mocking me?

Patient: This is un-freaking-believable.

Psychiatrist: This is un-freaking-believable!

Patient: Enough. We’re done here.

Psychiatrist: Enough! We’re done here! Na-na-na-na-na!

Patient: …

Psychiatrist: …

© Lily (Yes, I wrote this.)

Less Than Sober Musings

*Fiction. Satire-ish.*

Dear Matt,

They say drunk people shouldn’t write letters they might regret, but this is me saying “fuck them.” I have a few drinks in me and a few things to say. Sober or inebriated, I have excellent writing skills. Although I do have a short attention span which could cause… There was this one time I was stopped at a light, and saw this bright red Ferrari. Man, it was a beauty! I started to get out of my car as the light turned green, and…but then I digress.

So, it’s been like a month since we broke up. I’m so over you. I only occasionally wake up all sweaty from my sex dreams. You’re always in them. I think that’s normal though. I’ll have to make an appointment with my therapist. You would like my therapist; I should arrange for us to accidentally run into each other. She’s quite pretty. Kind of like me. You’d probably want to fuck her brains out. Like you did to your secretary. Oooh, you thought I didn’t know? Thought I didn’t SEE that with my own two eyes? Remember that time…

I’ve decided to give dating another try. Why am I telling you? Because I’m drunk, you asshole. I think you have the right to know. Not that you gave a shit about me when we were dating. You didn’t even know where I was half the time. I could have been dead, lying in a ditch somewhere. But I guess you didn’t have time to notice between your visits with your secretary, your ex-secretary, your second cousin (that’s still gross), your best friend’s sister, and the whore from across the street. The whore had a lot of cute outfits though. I wouldn’t mind having her number.

cartoonstock.com

You are such a dick. I’m going to find myself someone who’s less of a dick. But with a bigger one. Don’t worry, I know what I mean. He’ll make me happy and he’ll take care of me. And he won’t have a secretary or a second cousin or a best friend’s sister or a whore. He’ll have me! What’s left of me anyway. I wasted five years of my life with you. You cheated on me fifty million times. You never remembered my birthday or our anniversary. You often forgot about our plans, and would leave me all alone in a big fancy restaurant. But no, don’t worry, that’s not embarrassing or pathetic at all. Everyone tried to warn me about you early on, but no…I figured it out myself! It only took me…five years of emotional abuse.

As my buzz slowly fades, I think I said all I needed to say. And if you don’t get it, then you don’t get it…because I’m drunk and rambling you’re an idiot. An idiot I was very much in love with, and who I still love. An idiot who “did” me good and dirty, despite your shortcomings. If you asked me to marry you, I would say yes. Oh my Gosh, that’s so embarrassing, I can’t believe I said that. I think I want to have your babies. They’d be stupid but so cute! If nothing else, you’re so fucking hot. Don’t read too much into this. I still fucking hate you. Eat shit and die.

Yours truly,

Tina

~*~*~*~

© Lily