Things I Can’t Stand – Part 6

THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

Okay, ABC. I bet you think your shows are awesome. They probably make you tons of money too. Well, I just wanted to thank you for creating The Bachelor and all those wonderful spin-off shows that make me ashamed to be human. Nicely done! It’s kind of weird, because I’m sure the people are real, but everything just seems so….fake. Hmm. I guess that’s a prerequisite for reality TV shows. You can’t have reality without a little bullshit fiction, am I right?

It’s amazing how natural you make everything look. I almost believe that I should have a row of guys waiting for me, dressed in nice suits…or armor, sweating it out for the sake of a rose. Every guy’s dream come true. It looks so natural when the bachelor(ette) is standing there, sighing heavily, looking down a lot, building the tension before giving away the final rose. Epic. Just look at all those men fighting for one women’s attention. Do you see how excited they get when she walks away, and comes back with a little rose for them? So natural. Real life should totally work that way. Tell me, is there a script? There has to be, because I can’t believe the shit that comes out of those people’s mouths. Priceless, really. Or better yet, it’s epic. Because the word epic is totally appropriate for a bullshit TV show. I’ve even come to forget what that word actually means. I showered all by myself this morning and it was epic.

Young girls everywhere used to dream of falling in love with their high school sweetheart and getting married. Now young girls get to dream of growing up and being on The Bachelor. Better yet, they can aim higher and dream of being on The Bachelorette. Why fight for one guy when 25 guys can fight for YOU? Talk about a dream come true. Honestly, America owes you so much, ABC. I don’t even want to think about falling in love with a guy unless 25 other women are competing for his love, or 25 men are lining up for me in the hopes of building a collection of tiny roses. And if that doesn’t work out, because, let’s face it, it never does, then I can join a whole bunch of other lonely castmates for a chance to bring shame to my family win $250,000. Righteous! Normal relationships are just so boring. Thanks for that. No, really, thank you. You make this world a better place.

Absolute
Bull
Crap

~Lily~

What it all comes down to...
What it all comes down to…

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 5

Strange Men Who Hit On Women

To the strange man who hit on me in a parking lot, take note. Hitting on a woman you see on the street or in a store parking lot is not okay. It’s not sweet or flattering or the least bit charming. It’s gross. I suppose it wouldn’t be so horrible if you said something like, “Hi, we don’t know each other, but I think you’re beautiful.” But you would have to say that in a normal voice, with a normal expression on your face. If you lick your lips and wink at her, then you’re just being a prick. You shouldn’t talk to a stranger like that. Come to think of it, even if you know her, you still shouldn’t talk to her like that. Here are a few things you should never say, especially while licking your nasty lips.

  • Hey sexy, I got what you need.
  • Damn girl, looking sexy.
  • I want a piece of that ass.
  • Nice rack, sexy.
  • Hey, wanna have sex?

And just for the record, whistling at a woman is rude too. Pretty much, just don’t effing treat us like objects. Women like to feel pretty, but there are ways to go about that. (This isn’t a “How-To” blog so if you’re clueless, try Google.) And just FYI, if you’re talking to your man friend, and you say something inappropriate about a woman loud enough for her to hear, that’s equally gross. I mean, seriously, how many women do you expect to be turned on by your colorful comment? (Hint, it rhymes with hero.) What goes on in a man’s brain to make him think he can talk to female strangers that way? On the street, in a parking lot, no less. Idiot. Thanks for checking me out, but next time, keep your dirty little thoughts to yourself.

~Lily~

442253-Cartoon-Woman-Chasing-Her-Husband-With-A-Rolling-Pin

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 4

I think I might need to pretend this post never happened. Worst one yet. I would delete it, but it would still stay on people’s readers. Fuck.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

People Who Think Cars Work By Magic

I understand that no one is born knowing everything there is to know about cars. And I understand that, for the most part, guys are car experts, and girls are completely clueless. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. I think everyone should have a basic understanding of how cars work. I’m not saying that we should all become mechanics and fix everything ourselves. I’m saying that we should at least understand the basics, so that when we do go to the mechanic, he won’t screw us over for being clueless. Cars are not magical things that always work for you. If you don’t give your car some TLC, and regularly maintain it, then how can you complain when something goes wrong? A car is only as reliable as the person maintaining it. (Unless you got a lemon, which kinda sorta isn’t your fault.) If you never change the oil, or let your car “warm up” on really cold days, or replace your brake pads and tires as needed, then what do you expect? Cars have batteries and engines and brakes and tires that take a lot of abuse. Be nice to your car.

A few months ago, I went to PepBoys to purchase new tires. (Buy 3, get 1 free.) About 30 minutes in, PepBoys called me and said, “While we were replacing your tires, we noticed your brakes were pretty bad. We can replace them for you for about $500.” Well, here’s a couple things they didn’t know. First, my car has sensors for EVERYTHING, and would have told me if there was brake wear. Second, both my boyfriend and my father know a lot about cars, and would never let my brakes get to that point. Third, even if they were pretty bad, I know enough not to be ripped off $500 for something that costs much less. We double checked, and my brakes were fine. The brake pads, which all of you should be checking a few times a year, were not worn out yet. Brake pads average about $50 for a set of 2, and are simple enough to replace on your own. (Obviously, not everyone can or will, but it’s something simple that your mechanic will overcharge for.) If you regularly replace your brake pads as they wear out, and occasionally inspect the overall brakes for cracks or holes, your brakes should last you a long time. If you let them go, then that’s when you cause damage to other parts of the car’s braking system, and that will cost you more money in the end. If your brakes start feeling or sounding weird, then check them. It’s not worth it to put this off.

I could say a lot more, but this post already sounds preachy, doesn’t it? (It’s also kind of long and boring…I know.) Basically, set aside at least ONE day a year for checking your car battery, checking the oil levels, getting an oil change, checking for leaks, and checking for brake wear and tire wear. Cars can’t magically fix themselves. Oh, and if you don’t want your car to get all rusty and shit, maybe you should wash it once a month, especially when there’s bird poop or snow/salt. I know you’re super busy, but if your car has been there for you every single day, then maybe you can be there for it every now and then. Just saying.

~Lily~

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 3

SNOBS

Are you a snob? I sure hope not, because if you are, you probably won’t enjoy this post. I would just like to know one thing. What makes anyone think that they are superior to everyone else? When I say superior, I’m not talking about in the workforce, where there are obviously different positions and levels of authority. I’m talking about people who go through life thinking they should be put on a pedestal, while everyone else should be kissing their feet. People who only associate with others of the same class, ignoring or talking down to anyone “beneath” them. I can’t imagine living my life as a rude, obnoxious prick who expects everyone to cater to my every need. News flash: it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, how much money or property you own, or who your family is. We all came into this world the same way and we’re all leaving it the same way…with nothing. Your fancy car, your enormous mansion, all the money in the bank, none of that is going with you. At the end of the day, the only thing that’s yours is the 6-foot deep plot at the cemetery, and even that’s not really yours. So maybe all the snobs in the world should spend less time with their noses up in the air, and more time treating people like human beings, who deserve kindness and respect. Having a kind, generous heart is worth a million times more than all the money in the world. Money can only buy you temporary things, but the impression you leave on people can last a lifetime. 

Whoa, does this shit sound preachy? Crap, that’s not what I was going for. Damn, I almost made it through a whole post without cursing. Fuck.

~Lily~

No, you're really not.
Ugh!

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 2

NEW YORK TOLLS

I understand, to a certain extent, that tolls are necessary. I do not understand, however, why in God’s name New York thinks they can charge whatever the fuck they want to. Okay, so New York’s an expensive place to live, and I’m sure they need money to fix the roads that see so much crime traffic every day. But what the hell? How can most tolls be $1 everywhere else, yet it costs me $28 round-trip to get into Long Island. (We have to go through 3 tolls round-trip.) Long Island is an hour away, not ten hours. $28 fucking dollars? I could probably drive from Jersey to California and pay less than that. Do you know how many people travel to and from New York EVERY day? Let’s say there are 100,000 people traveling to/from Long Island every day…at $28 a person, that would be $2,800,000. That’s two million, eight hundred thousand dollars. Have you seen the roads in New York? Have you seen all the construction that never seems to end and never seems to actually help? What the hell are these people doing with the (roughly) $2,800,000 they get daily? Want to know what I’d do with $2,800,000? I would sue New York hurry up and fix the fucking roads so that people could have a pleasant driving experience! And if their excuse is that there’s no time to fix the roads, that’s bullshit. You make the sacrifice and you work from 10pm – 6am, one lane at a time, so as to not have to close down the whole road and cause more angry drivers traffic. You don’t set up cones and leave them there, and never actually do the work you lazy fart. Why is everyone okay with paying so much money in tolls? How is this even allowed? I should boycott these outrageous tolls. But since I can’t, I’ll just rant on my blog and feel better about it. Yup. K…bye.

~Lily~

P.S. I’m sorry if cursing bothers you, but I feel like you can’t have a rant without a few f-bombs.

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 1

RUBBERNECKING

Accidents happen every day, multiple times a day. It’s an unfortunate part of life. While it’s perfectly natural to be morbidly curious about an accident, it is not perfectly natural to drive 10 mph on a highway just to satisfy that curiosity. First off, it’s rude. Second, it’s rude. And third, it’s still rude. It’s rude because no one appreciates being stared at. It’s rude because you shouldn’t want to see someone’s guts scattered on the highway. And it’s rude because everyone behind you wants to get the fuck home and you’re slowing them the fuck down. STOP MAKING TRAFFIC. You’ll never get a good look at the scene anyway, so why bother? It doesn’t even have to be an accident. You’ll stare at any idiot with a car that won’t start or a flat tire. You know, curiosity killed the cat…a very rude cat. STOP. BEING. SO. DAMN. RUDE. If you really want to see a nasty accident, just Google it.

You know why it’s called rubbernecking? Because it’s fucking unnatural. Because our necks aren’t made out of rubber, and they’re not supposed to stretch like that. It’s unnatural because you should be looking in front of you in an effort to avoid getting into an accident, like the idiot you’re staring at. Wouldn’t that be stupid? Crashing your car because you just had to look at that car crash? That would be epic. Stupid’s probably a better word. Fucking retarded. Okay, rant over. This was a very toned down rant. That’s because I’m sure many of you are guilty of rubbernecking, and I really didn’t want to offend you too much. You know, because I love you. “Things I Can’t Stand” is probably going to be a new mini series on my blog. I will attempt to post things in this series, whenever I can’t think of anything else to blog about. Or…this could be the first and last time I do this. If you know me at all, you know it can go either way. Okay, don’t hold your breath for Part 2.

~Lily~

                                   2001-05-23                 images (1)

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