This Will Probably Bug You

It’s official, I’m a bug magnet. I am always, ALWAYS the first one to notice if there’s a bug in the room. I don’t know…I figure God knows just how much I love bugs, so he always puts them in my path. You know, it’s that whole God-has-a-sense-of-humor thing. We all know cockroaches exist, and that they will never, ever die. Well, in Puerto Rico, they exist a lot. They’re also a lot bigger here. A good two inches long. There are small ones here too, but big or small, a roach is a roach. Unfortunately, the small ones always manage to get into houses through the shower drain. Around midnight on Friday morning, I woke up to use the bathroom. I sat myself down on the toilet when something caught my eye. Oh okay, it’s just a roach. No big deal. Oh wait, yes it is. *Cue silent screaming* It was just outside the shower. Just as I was about to get up, the little sucker moved and hid behind the hamper. I left to get a heavier shoe to squish it with. That’s when I saw the second roach in the room across from ours. Great, just great. There’s an army of them. I thought I squished it, but I didn’t want to move the shoe, so I just left it there. (When I checked later in the day, there was nothing under the shoe. Drats.) I went back to the bathroom, but the roach was too fast for me. It escaped and hid under an end table with a super long table cloth on it. I lifted the table cloth to see if it would run out, but it didn’t. I hesitantly went back to my room, feeling extremely paranoid. I stared at the floor for a good five minutes, but eventually, I gave up and fell asleep.

Fast forward to Friday night. I had left the bedroom door closed while I was in the living room watching TV. As if a roach couldn’t get through a closed door. I went to grab something from my room, and when I opened the door, there was a fucking roach right at the entrance. See what I mean about God’s sense of humor? Of all the rooms, it had to be this one. I managed to squish it just before it ran out the door. I made sure I heard the crunch this time. (Are you totally grossed out yet?) I knew there was still at least one other roach running around, but I was happy to have at least murdered one of them. When it was time for bed, I checked the floors to make sure I didn’t see any roaches before drifting off to sleep. I woke up at 2am for a bathroom run. I grabbed my phone (it has a flashlight) and walked very carefully. Satisfied that I was alone, I opened the door. I turned around to shut the door and guess what? YEAH, seriously…the other roach was ON the door. I don’t know if Raid actually kills these things, but it definitely doesn’t prevent them from coming in, because I had sprayed that shit all around the door. Anyway, God was being generous this time because the little sucker was running across the door, and despite being half asleep, I timed it perfectly so that I shut the door just as it was on the edge. Crunch, crunch. I pulled the bedroom door towards me several times, to make sure I killed it dead. I grabbed some toilet paper, eased the door open, and removed the carcass from the door frame. Then I surveyed my surroundings, praying that there really were only TWO roaches.

You see what I mean, right? Two different days, waking up at two different times, and both times, I would run into these roaches? What…the…fuck??? And why must this happen when I’m trying to get some sleep? It’s really hard to sleep when you have BUGS on the brain. Anyway, now that I’ve successfully grossed you out, I think it’s time to end this post. I really hope I don’t see another roach inside this house for the remainder of my time here. You’ll pray for me, won’t you? And if I do have the misfortune of seeing one, I hope that I can kill it quickly. As a precaution, before going to bed, I’ll be putting a bottle of shampoo over the shower drain, in the hopes that no more roaches will get through. They’re not strong enough to move the shampoo bottle, right? Right? Hmph.


Side note: Is it strange that this is not the first post I’ve written that is entirely about bugs? Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C. Jeez, I have issues.

Yeah, I own this place.
Yeah, I own this place.

I’m Not Really Here

I know what you’re thinking. “Man, won’t this b*tch just go away already?” I know, I know. I’m leaving, I swear. (My flight leaves tomorrow.) I scheduled my last post for Wednesday because I didn’t think I’d be available today, but here I am. This is just a quick post to say I accidentally created a Twitter account. Huh? What is Twitter anyway? I really don’t know. I had a question regarding my JetBlue Amex account, but they don’t do live chats and I didn’t want to call customer service. Then I saw that they were on Twitter. So naturally, I created a Twitter account just so I could ask them a question. Kind of stupid. I guess I’ll do almost anything to avoid calling customer service.

It wasn’t a total waste, though. I had to think of a name for my Twitter account, and rather than choosing @IHaveNoClue, I thought, “Why not name it after my blog?!” So that’s what I did. My username, or whatever you call it, is @DontQuoteLilyI truly had no intention of EVER joining Twitter, but there you have it. I do things without thinking first. Don’t judge me. That’s also how I started this blog. If you have a Twitter account, please follow me so I can follow you back. I really don’t know anything about Twitter, and may end up deleting my account one day, but who knows, maybe it’ll be fun. Unless you don’t follow me. In which case, UGH. I thought you loved me.


In Other News, Nobody Cares

Omg, did you hear? Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again, and Amanda Bynes is hot on her trail. Drugs, wreckless driving, jail time, rinse and repeat. It’s like Charlie Sheen only younger and with breasts. Oh, I’m sorry, do you not care? Yeah, me neither. “So and so broke up and so and so is in jail again and so and so is doing drugs and so and so made a sex tape and now she’s super popular.” We’ve heard it all before, E! News, so please kindly suck it.

The regular news sucks balls as it is. Why do we need to have a separate news channel just for celebrities? Why are people so interested in the lives of the rich and the wasted? I think we have enough problems of our own, such as… Hm, if I buy that dresser, can I still afford that house? Should I be worried about global warming? Is E.L. James aware how many people wish they could strangle her with a riding crop? What should I wear to work today? What is that smell? And other more pressing issues.

Enough with the celebrity hoopla and enough with the makes-you-want-to-slit-your-wrists news. “So and so robbed an old lady and so and so beat up a store clerk and so and so shot 5 people and this world is absolute crap.” Bring back the stories about dogs saving their owners from death, babies with super-human strength, talking donkeys and flying pigs. Those are the things we want to hear about. Bring back rainbows and sunshine, damnit! Is that too much to ask?

In other news, it’s Monday and summer’s over and it’s cold and I don’t like it and I’m in denial and I don’t want to start wearing a coat and I’m just gonna sit on the couch all day wrapped up in a blanket and write a nice, long run-on sentence…and how’s that for pointless news.


Rain, Weirdos, And Something Long Overdue

It’s Tuesday and I never know how to start my posts, so there’s my opening line for you. I know, I’m so lame cool. I had my car washed yesterday, even though I knew it was supposed to rain today. But even when the forecast doesn’t call for rain, if you wash your car, IT WILL RAIN. I figured I might as well do it, and then I couldn’t be disappointed or shocked when it inevitably rained the next day. Genius. Except, I am kind of disappointed. Rain may be necessary but it’s so damn depressing.

There’s a man in our apartment complex who does strange things. Nothing dirty, if that’s what you’re thinking. He has a black pickup truck that he is obsessed with. He treasures that car like a person would treasure a much nicer car. The truck is a few years old, and the paint is messed up in certain places, but this man treats the truck like it’s his baby. I know, I know, who am I to judge? Notice the picture below with the wipers up. He puts the wipers up EVERY SINGLE DAY of the year. Most people do this when they’re expecting snow. He also keeps a snow brush in the front seat. Maybe he knows something we don’t. Maybe the end is near.

Wipers up, seat leaning forward, and snow brush ready. WTF.

You should see him when he’s getting ready to leave. Most people just start the car and drive away. Not this guy; he’s got a ritual. He always has a rag and a bottle of water with him. He’ll walk around the truck 10 times, wiping off some imaginary substance. He stares at the truck, then he stares into outerspace, and then he stares at the truck again. He’s completely oblivious to the fact that my boyfriend and I are watching and laughing.

He’ll walk around the truck a few more times before coming to the conclusion that all is well. Finally, he opens the door, moves the seat back (the seat is always leaning against the steering wheel), and then he puts the snow brush in the back. He must be shocked and amazed that he hasn’t had to use the snow brush yet this SUMMER. He hesitantly lowers the wipers, and then finally hops in. It takes another minute or two before he slowly pulls out of the parking lot and drives away. If only you could see him yourself; it’s much funnier in person.

This post makes no sense, so I might as well continue being random. I wanted to take a moment and thank a few people who have recently nominated me for a couple awards. In my last semi-awards post, I mentioned that I’m starting to feel like the award rules resemble chain letters, BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate being nominated. I am very grateful to everyone who takes time out of their day to read my crazy ramblings.

Thank you to Sophie Milan of young, wild & writing for nominating me for the Super Sweet Blogging award. Thank you to Rebecca of Lady or Not…Here I Come and Asha Seth of Asha’s Blog for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog award. And thank you to Nick of Talkin’ Shit, who received a ton of awards and is sharing all of them with his nominees. I appreciate the thought everyone, and many thanks for reading! Please check out their blogs too. Although I’m not exactly participating, that doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re all worthy, because you are.

And now, sadly, my day has been ruined. My boyfriend is already home from work due to the rain. There goes my peaceful alone time. Look at what I’m posting, absolute nonsense. *Shakes head in disappointment* See, no good can come when it rains.


What Facebook Has Taught Me

There is a right way and a wrong way to use Facebook. The right way is to keep in touch with family and friends, and share pictures occasionally. The wrong way is to post pictures of your underwear collection (or of yourself IN underwear), update your status every 5 minutes and #writelikethis, and the absolute worst way…is starting drama. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be judgmental. After all, the Facebook users who cause drama can be quite entertaining.

One of my Facebook “friends” has a lot of drama in his life. He has deactivated his Facebook account several times in the past, trying to get away from it all. He thinks drama is attracted to him, but the truth is, HE’S the one starting it. Almost two years ago, I noticed that he was in a relationship with this girl who looked young and stupid in love. Then I noticed a few interesting posts on his wall from a DIFFERENT girl. Naturally, I checked out the new girl’s profile and saw that she was “in a relationship.” Then I noticed that my “friend” was posting lovey-dovey things on her wall. So I was like, “Oh no, he didn’t! He’s dating two girls at the same time!” I found this highly entertaining and sad. His “official” girlfriend was posting stuff about how everyone was judging her boyfriend, but she loved him no matter what they said. YAWN. The “homewrecker” girl was talking shit and leaving sexy little comments on the guy’s pictures. Way to be obvious.

One day, I stumbled upon his profile and realized he had changed his status to “in a relationship” and had removed the “official” girlfriend’s name. UH-OH. If I remember correctly, the “official” girlfriend’s status had changed to “engaged” and had his name listed. “Engaged, what the F? When did this happen?” So she was still oblivious at that point. Eventually, my “friend” and “homewrecker” girl publicly acknowledged their relationship by tagging each other in their relationship status. The “official” girlfriend was officially dumped and broken-hearted. The new couple filled each other’s walls with crap posts and crap pictures. And sure enough, a few weeks later, they were over. So sad.

Then about a year ago, my “friend” found himself a new girl. She seemed just as naïve as the other two. (All the girls were a few years younger than he was.) This new girl wrote on his wall EVERY DAY, sharing with the WHOLE WORLD how much she loved him, how they were meant to be, how the haters could just shut up because they were NEVER going to break them up, blah-blah-blah. If you need to declare your love PUBLICLY on Facebook, there’s obviously something wrong with your relationship. They took A MILLION pictures together, and it was SO CUTE…gag me. There was plenty of drama for a while, haters talking shit, the couple defending their super serious, super special 3-month long relationship. Suddenly, all was quiet because he had deactivated his Facebook account again.

He reappeared about a month ago, and to my surprise, they were still together. Even more to my surprise, he posted a picture of a newborn baby…his son. “When the hell did that happen? I feel so lost.” I didn’t think they’d been together long enough to have had a baby. That’s when I discovered a picture of his new girlfriend with a baby bump. A NEW baby bump, as she was currently three months pregnant. Obviously, the newborn baby was not hers because she couldn’t possibly be three months pregnant if she had JUST given birth. I was shocked, but not really. I was impressed that they were still together, after he fathered a son with another “woman.” She was still writing about how much she loved him and how happy they were to be expecting a child. AWWW. Too bad this wasn’t a first for him.

Back to present day. Yesterday, I noticed a post from my “friend” stating that he’s sick of all the drama and will be deleting his Facebook account AGAIN. So I rolled my eyes and wondered, “What happened this time?” I know I shouldn’t care but I immediately checked out his profile. It turns out that he’s no longer in a relationship or Facebook friends with this poor pregnant girl, but I have no idea when or why that happened. I backtracked and noticed another girl (not the one who recently had his baby either) posting on his wall. She was being MORE THAN OBVIOUS about the fact that she was currently WITH HIM. So I thought, “OMG, what is wrong with you people? And why do I care?” But I clicked on her name anyway to check things out. Sure enough, she was listed as being “in a relationship” and I’m sure it’s with him. I also noticed a link that her best friend had posted, and was shocked when I saw who it was. Her best friend is the “homewrecker” from the beginning of this crazy story! Are you as shocked as I am? Of course not, you don’t give a shit.

I guess if I HAVE TO make a point, it’s that people need to be a little more careful with the shit they share on Facebook. I should not have had the opportunity to be so entertained by all that dating drama. If you’re gonna be a lying, cheating, two-timing scumbag, try to be a little less obvious about it. Maybe date ONE person at a time, preferably someone your own age, and you might want to consider wrapping up your tool so you don’t end up with a THIRD child. And don’t bitch about drama following you everywhere you go if YOU’RE the one starting it. Try keeping a low profile. That, my friends, would be the correct way to use Facebook.

If the person I’m writing about happens to google something that leads him to this post, I am SO very sorry. But nobody here knows who you are, what your name is, or what you look like. So, you know, it’s not so bad, right?


Lower, Lower…There, You Couldn’t Possibly Stoop Any Lower

How does one become a FAN of the contestants on the Bachelor shows? (Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette) Why would you idolize those people? They are morons just people, not well-known celebrities. (Actually, celebrities are just people too.) The contestants are just a group of idiots playing a game for money, or attention, or because they actually think it would be AMAZING to fall in love on a TV show. What’s so amazing about that? “I want to fall in love on TV, and then show my kids!” Seriously? What’s wrong with falling in love, oh I don’t know, the natural way? How on earth have those shows lasted so many years? What does that say about us? That we’re incapable of learning from our mistakes. So, so tragic.

How many of those “relationships” have worked out? Like 2½ out of 24? And those 2½ “relationships” can end any day now, because breaking up is totally their thing. I mean, it’s TOTALLY REALISTIC to think you can find Mr. or Mrs. Right on a TV show. With cameras up your ass in your face 24/7, and with dozens of people competing, all under the same roof in one drama-free environment. That’s definitely how God intended it to be. He was also hoping people would make fools of themselves prove their worth by doing things such as ribbon dancing, racing through a hot fudge sundae obstacle course, participating in a super boring made-up game show, all in the hopes of receiving a rose. Totally. HIS. Divine. Plan.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are about finding love. (Trust me, it was hard typing that with a straight face.) But Bachelor Pad rewards people with $250,000. WHY? What makes them worthy? “Hey, you seem like a real moron. Here, take this check for $250,000! You need it much more than the hungry, the homeless, or the unemployed!” Yeah, ABC, great way to spend your time and money. Not to mention, shows like this really fill people with pride. “I love Bachelor Pad, and I am a proud American.” NOT. You’re not taking offense to this, are you? Here, let me share some enlightening quotes with you!

“I’m a Scorpio and I will sting the shit of you, in retrospect. For real.” – Look up retrospect…for real.

“I’m gonna eat my kids’ hair sometime.” – Really, we all say this at some point in our lives.

“This just shows you, you really can’t trust anyone. It’s so sad.” – You mean, in a room FULL of people competing for $250,000, you have to be careful what you say and who you trust? NO EFFING WAY!

Now, I’m not being a hypocrite, if that’s what you’re thinking. I watch the show for the same reason people slow down to see a car accident…in the hopes of seeing a dead body. Totally kidding, I don’t do that. I just really enjoy watching so many stupid people all in one place, forming alliances, losing challenges and getting overly emotional. Not to mention, watching this show makes me feel so much more intelligent. I am not a FAN though. You’ll never find me walking through the “Bachelor Experience” in a wax museum. I feel nothing for those people, except maybe pity. A few of them seem like (somewhat) decent human beings. Most of them, though, are stupid, gullible, mean, conceited, slutty, conniving, awful liars…the list goes on. But you know, I can see why people idolize these amazing people; personally, they’re my heroes. Picture that sentence covered in bullshit and dripping with sarcasm.

So glad I finished high school for this. I’m totally gonna win.

Enough said.


The Way You Pulled In Makes Me Wish Your Father Had Pulled Out

Disclaimer: This post is gonna sound slightly hypocritical considering I recently crashed into a building while “parking” but let’s put that aside, shall we? Oh, you forgot about that? Damn, why do I keep bringing it up? Moving on…

Why aren’t we taught how to properly park? Better yet, why aren’t we taught how to fucking drive? I don’t know about other states, but in New Jersey, the road test (to get your license) consists of parallel parking, executing a k-turn, and driving in reverse. Parallel parking has got to be everyone’s worst nightmare. I’m still surprised I passed, trembling hands and all. Know how often I’ve parallel parked since then? Let me do a little math in my head, um, hmm, oh wait…NEVER!  Executing a k-turn? Much easier than the parallel thing but equally as unimportant. Driving in reverse? Wtf? I’m sorry, I prefer driving going FORWARD. (I know we need to reverse out of parking spaces, but you don’t often have to DRIVE in reverse…in a STRAIGHT line.) So, you do those three things and you’re granted a license. WOO HOO! Thank you MVC of NJ, you may now kindly take responsibility for all car accidents. Sheesh, I wonder why there are so many of them…

I could probably ramble on forever about bad drivers. We all deal with them on a daily basis. (Actually, now that I’m home every day, I don’t deal with them, but whatever.) People who tailgate, people who cut you off, people who drive 100mph, people who drive 10mph, people who won’t let you merge even though it would only take 2 seconds out of their life, people who are texting or doing their makeup, people who can’t stay in their lane, people who are brake-happy, people over the age of 65, etc. Oh, look at that, I didn’t mean to ramble but I did it anyway.

Anyway, the point of this post (is there ever one?) is bad parking. It never fails, whenever one person parks like an ass, the next person parks like an ass too. So then you’ve got a parking lot full of asses.  (Doesn’t smell pretty.) If one person would just put in a LITTLE effort, skip a space, and park as perfectly as possible, then they’d be setting a great example. And possibly (though not likely) the next person would be like, “Aw, look how well that person parked! So straight, and centered in their little space. I’m gonna park like that too!” I know, do I live on a cloud or something?

I HATE when cars (especially the tiny ones, wtf?) park practically on top of you. So close that you would need to climb in through the passenger door. (Or the sunroof if you’re surrounded by two assholes.) I can understand being a little crooked, but to park on top of people? What is wrong with you? How rude and inconsiderate. If you force me to climb in through the passenger door, you can bet your ass I’m gonna leave a nasty (but pretty) pink post-it on your car. The SUPER STICKY kind…take that! And then there are the people who double park. Is it just me, or is it always the people with small cars who do this? Do you think you own the place? I also hate, hate, hate when people just throw their doors open with no consideration to the car next to them. “Hey asswipe, are you gonna pay for my paint job? Oh no? Then unless you’re trying to make room for an elephant, learn how to open a fucking door!”

There, I think I’ve said what I needed to say. Want to find out if you’re an asswipe bad at parking? If you regularly do any of the following, then yes…you’re an asswipe. No offense. 😀


Aw shucks, you almost passed.

Really? Eat shit and die.

Oh wow, I didn’t realize you owned the whole parking lot.

A little effort goes a long way…

Okay, this one’s just for fun.


Irrelevant Adventure Not Even Worth Mentioning, But I’ll Do It Anyway

Never, under any circumstances, wear sandals when you’re hiking. Did you know that? Oh, you did? Well, so did I. I just needed to confirm it, that’s all. Kind of like I needed to confirm that our apartment building was strong enough, so I took my car and crashed into it. The apartment held up just fine. Building strength confirmed. (Um, I really did crash into a brick wall, if you don’t believe me.)

Right, back to the “hiking.” (I use that word loosely.) My parents were babysitting two of my little cousins for two days. One day we’d focus on cousin number 1, and the second day on cousin number 2. I kid you. On Monday, we went to a park, complete with two play areas. Monkey bars, slides, drawbridge thing, random crap you climb up. Everything except swings. I know, I was highly disappointed too. I sucked it up and pulled through anyway. You’re never too old to jump up and down on the drawbridge thing or go down a slide or two. (I’m also secretly proud of the fact that I was also able to go UP the slide. Total pro.) At some point, I became the monster. There was no explanation, no talk of game rules or characters, nothing. I was just chosen to be the monster, and when the kids started running away from me, I figured they were being serious. So I went with it and it was fun.

On Tuesday, mom announced that they were going to the park around the same time as the previous day, so I decided to tag along. I stupidly assumed it would be the same park, but duh, that would be boring. Who does that? So whatever, I had sandals on, because sandals are totally fine when you’re going up/down a slide. Not so much when you go to a park that involves nature…and nature involves trails…and trails involve gravel roads…and gravel roads involve tree roots…and tree roots involve tripping and falling on your arse. (If you say arse, it’s not cursing.)

I hate sneakers (because they make my feet look big and because they’re just not cute), but at that moment, I would have given anything for my sneakers to just magically appear. I waited, I prayed, I cursed…alas, they never materialized. We started up the trail. I know, UP…you know what that means? It means that in order to get back, I’d have to go DOWN…in sandals…over ROCKS…great. What the hell did I get myself into? These rocks were full of creepy red spiders on high-speed stilts…LOTS of spiders. Yuck.

If you haven’t rolled your eyes yet, go ahead, roll them. Get it out of your system. But really, my life is so dull, what did you expect? We finally stopped and turned around. I know it seems overly dramatic but I was truly worried about this moment. I took the tiniest steps anyone could possibly take. I put all my weight into my ankles and feet, pretending they were claws that could stick to the ground. And I held onto my mom’s arm for dear life. I didn’t think it was possible to go DOWNHILL so slowly but it is. Despite all these precautions, I felt gravity start to do its work. One stupid red spider, one stupid sandal-wearing idiot, and down I went, taking my poor mom with me. Sorry mom. Actually…that’s kinda-sorta, absolutely, not in the least bit true. We all made it down safely. I’m so ashamed…how incredibly lame of me to NOT get injured. But if it counts for anything, it was fun (the kids caught a frog) and I’m now 100% sure that you are not supposed to wear sandals to a park.

Anyway, in my last post I promised my next post would be better. I lied. Please don’t unfollow me. So, hold your breath for next time!


PS: On a completely unrelated note, how do people “like” posts 0.05 seconds after it’s published? Especially when you’re someone who’s never heard of me before. Try to fake it a little better. I think 5 seconds is MUCH more believable.

Up The Wall Like Spider-Man, If Spider-Man Drove A Car

Ever since I started blogging (a whopping 3 ½ weeks ago), I’ve found myself wishing I had a more interesting life so I’d have more writing material. I find myself thinking, “Damn, why doesn’t anything ever happen to me?” Well, I changed my mind. I’m okay with my dull life. I don’t want drama. I don’t want a shady past, skeletons in my closet, relation to a mafia family, a psychotic ex boyfriend trying to kill me, none of that. K? Thanks life.

This afternoon, I did something stupid. Nothing as interesting as anything I mentioned above, but interesting enough considering my life is quite dull. I rammed into my apartment building in my beautiful (poor little) car. I pulled into the parking spot and wanted to check that I was in between the lines. [Apparently I have this thing with trying to park as perfectly as possible, and I almost never get it right the first time.] I opened the door, thinking I had already put the car into Park…when all of a sudden, the car starts moving forward. From that point on, it was like a dream. I could see the brick wall coming towards me but I felt like I had no way of stopping it! Everything went in slow motion, and it was scary as f**k. For some reason, I couldn’t seem to find the brake pedal. I’m pretty sure my foot was RIGHT next to it, but nope, I couldn’t find it. I may or may not have hit the gas. I don’t remember doing that, but the curb and the grass is a mini up-slope and I hit the building kind of hard, so my boyfriend is convinced I accelerated. If I did, I didn’t mean to. I wanted nothing more than to BRAKE. So my bumper makes contact with the building….BAM! My chin makes contact with the steering wheel…OUCH!

It looks like my chin gave birth to a chin.

Here’s the part that I always forget about: when a car rams into something, the bumper reacts (bounces) and the car ends up moving either forward or backwards. Well, my car started moving backwards and I freaked out some more, because I forgot that was normal. I thought my car was possessed, or that the brakes were shot. All I know is I was hitting the brake [I finally found it] and it didn’t stop right away…until it did. PRAISE somebody, there wasn’t a car directly behind me because then I’d have TWO bumpers to take care of. *Breathes a sigh of relief* Needless to say, I was quite shaken up. I finally managed to park again, and this time I very slowly braked, moved the shift to the letter P, and put the E-brake on. At this point, who the f**k cares if I was perfectly centered within the two lines!

I took a few seconds to just breathe. I think I was mumbling, “Please let this be a stupid dream, please tell me I’m not THAT stupid…please wake up, wake up!” Yeah, nice try. I finally got out to inspect the damage. From a distance, you probably couldn’t tell anything happened. [If I still had my old Toyota, it would have looked like death. So kudos to Mercedes-Benz.] The bumper was slightly “off” but it wasn’t dented in the front. Scratched, yes…I mean geeze, my car was trying to climb the wall…but it could have been much worse. Once you pop the hood, you can see I cracked this aluminum something behind the bumper…yeah, that thing.

I’m just so mad at myself. I’ve only had this car since February and I can’t believe I damaged it MYSELF. When you damage things yourself, YOU have to pay for them. So when possible, make sure someone else does the damage so someone else can pay. Got that? I’ve never been in a car accident [well, someone rear ended me once while I was stopped at a light, but that’s not my fault] and then I go and do this…it’s so lame!  That’s the last time I try to scale the wall like Spider-Man. Psshhh…I learned my lesson.


There May Be Something Wrong With You

Okay, I just have to get this off my chest, but before I do…no offense, okay? Just kidding, this post isn’t THAT serious.

So, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, right? (I don’t know, that’s what people keep telling me.) Everyone’s got their own taste in music, clothes, food, home décor, whatever. That being said, when it comes to cars, I don’t feel like it should be about taste…it should be about common sense. That’s MY opinion…but this is MY blog so my opinion is king. Here’s an important lesson: just because someone wasted an insane amount of money and time building a car doesn’t mean you have to waste your money buying it. Okay? I know, you may feel bad for the car, but really, it’s okay. The car will get over it.

If you own or are thinking of buying one of these cars, go see your doctor…there is something wrong with you. Sorry! Wait, no I’m not…it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.

It’s a station wagon. Do you know what people say about station wagons? Yeah, exactly.

Car in the front, minivan in the back. WRONG all over.

Take a look at this…I mean REALLY look at this. Why don’t you just drive a cardboard box?

It’s like a car and a van and a pickup truck all in one. And let me tell you, that’s tough to swallow. *Gags*

Have you noticed how popular Jeeps are lately? Mercedes thought they could make a luxury jeep to compete. Ummm…EPIC FAIL. I’m almost ashamed to think that whoever made that car also made my gorgeous E-class. Almost.

One of these little toys parked next to me the other day. My car was so upset, it fainted.

In case you don’t know, this is called a smart car. WHO THE HELL thought of that name? If you buy a smart car, you’re stupid. Not just because it’s ugly as hell. (Omg, is it ugly…) You might as well be driving a nerf car. Look at it! I don’t care how much it saves you on gas, even the mini cooper could trample the smart car’s ass. If you don’t give a rat’s ass about safety, go ahead, buy this toy. (You suicidal little twit.) I dare you.

There you have it. You now know what NOT to buy…ever…EVER! You’re welcome.


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