Things I Can’t Stand – Part 6


Okay, ABC. I bet you think your shows are awesome. They probably make you tons of money too. Well, I just wanted to thank you for creating The Bachelor and all those wonderful spin-off shows that make me ashamed to be human. Nicely done! It’s kind of weird, because I’m sure the people are real, but everything just seems so….fake. Hmm. I guess that’s a prerequisite for reality TV shows. You can’t have reality without a little bullshit fiction, am I right?

It’s amazing how natural you make everything look. I almost believe that I should have a row of guys waiting for me, dressed in nice suits…or armor, sweating it out for the sake of a rose. Every guy’s dream come true. It looks so natural when the bachelor(ette) is standing there, sighing heavily, looking down a lot, building the tension before giving away the final rose. Epic. Just look at all those men fighting for one women’s attention. Do you see how excited they get when she walks away, and comes back with a little rose for them? So natural. Real life should totally work that way. Tell me, is there a script? There has to be, because I can’t believe the shit that comes out of those people’s mouths. Priceless, really. Or better yet, it’s epic. Because the word epic is totally appropriate for a bullshit TV show. I’ve even come to forget what that word actually means. I showered all by myself this morning and it was epic.

Young girls everywhere used to dream of falling in love with their high school sweetheart and getting married. Now young girls get to dream of growing up and being on The Bachelor. Better yet, they can aim higher and dream of being on The Bachelorette. Why fight for one guy when 25 guys can fight for YOU? Talk about a dream come true. Honestly, America owes you so much, ABC. I don’t even want to think about falling in love with a guy unless 25 other women are competing for his love, or 25 men are lining up for me in the hopes of building a collection of tiny roses. And if that doesn’t work out, because, let’s face it, it never does, then I can join a whole bunch of other lonely castmates for a chance to bring shame to my family win $250,000. Righteous! Normal relationships are just so boring. Thanks for that. No, really, thank you. You make this world a better place.



What it all comes down to...
What it all comes down to…

The Art Of Stupidity

Take a look around you. Stupidity is in. It is the it thing, it is high-fashion, it is awesome. It’s so awesome that it can even make you rich. That’s right, you heard me…RICH! Who needs an education? Who even needs brain cells? Don’t hurt your brain or waste your time by thinking. Pssshh!

Why are you killing yourself working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week? It’s not necessary. Forget what your parents told you. The secret to success is not hard work, persistence, or the ability to continue learning. (Or the ability to learn at all. Does 1 + 1 = 3? Okay, cool!) Take a look at these people who have mastered stupidity (shamelessness) and have made money while doing it.

This show is called Wipeout. Yeah…
bachelor nonsense
Because all relationships should start this way. Life is just not realistic unless you’re humiliating yourself in public all for the sake of…a rose.
Host of The Bachelor and its spin-offs. He gets rich by being overly dramatic and telling you things you already know.
Host of The Bachelor and its spin-offs. He gets rich by being overly dramatic and telling you things you already know.
I probably shouldn’t publicly criticize a child. That’s okay, this picture says it all…
The woman who made Honey Boo Boo. Seriously…the hell?
She's large and in charge. But I bet she can't even dance...
She’s large and in charge. But I bet she can’t even dance. Seriously, who put her in charge?
Celebrities…diving…into water. It’s never been done before!
All I did was have sex...I still can't figure out how I became a mommy.
All I did was have sex…I still can’t figure out how I became a mommy.
One sister’s shamelessness made all of them rich. Isn’t she admirable?
Good thing her father's rich...
Good thing her father’s rich…

I just know you want to be like them! I hope my future children take a lesson from these marvelous people. I’m sure their goal in life will be to do whatever ridiculous thing will get them on television. Not such a hard goal, considering how everyone and their mother has a TV show now-a-days, but it’s a goal nonetheless! I’m going to be one proud mom.

Disclaimer: Fake boobs and/or a willingness to walk around half-naked can also make you rich. You know, in case stupidity doesn’t cut it.

Oh, and on a serious note, they have officially run out of ideas for TV shows. What a joke.

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