A Piece Of Me

Hello, world. Or, hello to the three of you. I thought it was time for a quick update. 1 out of 3 of you may recall that I was pregnant last time I posted. Guess what? Not anymore! Little Sofia was born on Friday, July 31st at 11:27 am. She weighed 8.5 pounds, and measured 20.75 inches long. Beautiful and healthy, with a head FULL of dark hair. She was bigger than anyone expected. I was all belly, and everyone swore I’d have a 6 or 7 pounder. BUT NOPE! She surprised us all. My husband says she came out with her arm sticking out, like making a fist. Almost as if she was saying, “Woohoo, I did it!” Yeah, she did feel a little funny on the way out, so that explains it. I was so busy trying to catch my breath, that it took me a few minutes before I thought to ask, “Wait, is she still a girl?” Haha.

All things considered, I had a pretty good birth experience. I was told I pushed for 45 minutes or so, no more than an hour. I was TOLD this, because I seriously do NOT remember. When you’re in that much pain, you have no concept of time. I mean, it obviously felt like forever in the moment. I had contractions all day Thursday, but they became really intense around midnight/early Friday. Oddly enough, I was very calm that whole day with contractions. It’s like I still couldn’t believe that I would actually be giving birth soon. Even when I made it to the hospital, it felt unreal. My whole pregnancy felt that way though.

I have a high tolerance for pain but WOW… Words cannot describe that kind of pain. They should come up with a new word for contractions, because that one just doesn’t do it justice. At one point I even begged for them to cut me open to get her out, haha. I was not eligible for an epidural due to low blood platelets. Would have been too risky. I thought my face might explode from pushing, not to mention my lungs. Pushing is hard, people. I felt out of breath for a week or two afterwards.

Almost immediately after giving birth though, it’s almost like it never even happened. All of a sudden, there’s a tiny human on your chest, and you wonder, “What do I do now? Did the doctor leave the manual somewhere?” I never imagined how stressful and overwhelming life as a mom would be. BUT every day gets a little easier. Everyone kept telling me that, but those first couple of weeks, you find it hard to believe. I cried a lot. But as hard as it is to be a sleep-deprived slave to a newborn, at the end of the day, I just remember that we have a beautiful, healthy baby girl, and that’s all we can ask for. That, and maybe a bit less fussing and crying. But it is what it is! My husband and my parents have helped keep me sane. And whenever I feel really overwhelmed, I look at my baby and think, “Wow…we made a baby…an actual human being. How amazing is that?” I find it mind-boggling how a tiny egg and a tiny swimmer can create a perfect little human! Part of me still can’t believe I’m a mom. I mean, I have a daughter… What?!

Anyway, I think I’m mostly rambling, so I’ll stop here. With a couple pictures, of course!

See You In Germany

Shame on me, I haven’t posted about my brother (in the Army) in a while! He finished his Advanced Individual Training (with Honors) right before Thanksgiving, and has been home since. It was definitely great being able to spend some time with him, and listening to some of his stories. He’s leaving for Germany on Thursday for two years. Every single person we’ve heard from has had nothing but wonderful things to say about Germany. The only sucky thing is that it’s not cheap flying to/from Germany, so we won’t see him unless we fly there. Yikes! Still, it’ll be a great experience for him. I’m sure there’s lots to see, and he’ll be able to visit France and other places while he’s there too. I’m happy for him and wish him nothing but the best, and a very safe trip there! Hopefully we’ll find a way to visit him, because two years is a long time.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick update. Even though it’s been a while, it’s still weird when I think about my brother being in the Army. How’d that happen? But we’re all very proud. He’s done great (got lots of certificates/awards) and I think it’s cool that he’s learned all these things. (He’s a medic.) He’s thinking of making a career out of this, so good for him! That’s all for now. Auf Wiedersehen! That’s goodbye in German…

~Lily~

If Time Were Human, He’d Be An Asshole

I have a little time to kill (at work, shh, don’t tell anyone), so I thought, “Why not type to myself?” Why not, because sane people do that all the time. In fact, typing to oneself might be considered healthy. Haha. Okay. So, it’s September. It took me a couple of weeks to face that hard fact, and now all of a sudden, it’s about to be October. Do you know what that means? That it’s officially not summer anymore. It’s officially allowed to be cold in October. Didn’t we JUST do this, like, a couple of months ago? Didn’t I JUST escape to Puerto Rico to avoid part of the winter? Well, here we are again. Welcome to the concept of time…it fucking sucks.

I’m already 25. Shut up. I know you’re gonna say that 25 is very young, but guess what? It’s not. You know why? Because Britney Spears is 31. And I remember buying her first album when she was 16. SHE WAS 16 AND NOW SHE’S 31. That means that 15 years have gone by since then. How have I lived long enough for 15 years to have gone by just like that? A decade and a half. What the hell?! Sometimes I still feel like the 90’s weren’t that long ago, but OH NO, hold up, that was over 20 years ago. WHAT THE HELL?! What have I done with my life in those 20 years? Nothing, because life just keeps going on while I sit here trying to keep track of what year it is. Hey Time, what’s your rush? Slow the fuck down. Some of us want to stay alive for a few more years. And at this rate, I’ll be 50 before I can wrap my head around the fact that I’m no longer 20. Seriously, this isn’t funny anymore. It was cool when I was 12, and I wanted time to fly so that school would end. But guess what, I’m not in school anymore! Because I’m an old fart now. My eggs are drying up inside of me, and I’m still not married, so you’re kind of working against me. Do you think it’s funny that my eggs are rotting? HAHAHA! No, it’s not funny. What did I ever do to you, Mr. Asshole Time? What do you have against eggs?

You know what makes you even more of an asshole? The fact that an individual day (specifically, a day in the office) can go very slowly, but somehow, you still manage to make the years just fly by as if they never happened. AMAZING. I’m beginning to question if all these years did in fact happen. We’re all being robbed. You, my unfriend, are a vicious little thief. I want to grow old with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to grow old tomorrow, so take a chill-pill, Mr. Time! Maybe you should take up reading. There are more important things to do than to ensure that we all die, and die quickly. ASSHOLE.

Hey, look at that. I started off randomly typing to myself, and I ended up yelling at Mr. Time. Clearly, I am perfectly sane. It’s not like I talk to myself out loud like this all the time. Because, psshh, I totally don’t. Psshh…

~Lily~

Letters And Army Life

My brother has been away from home for a month now. I can’t believe how quickly the first month went. (If you didn’t read my last post on the subject, my brother has recently joined the Army.) Honestly, it didn’t seem real until I saw a picture of him in uniform. That’s when I was like, “Holy crap, he’s in the Army!” We were able to touch base with him the first week, but not anymore, since they all lose their phones once training officially starts. Hopefully he’ll get his phone back in a few weeks. My parents were in Puerto Rico last week to see my grandpa, who hasn’t been doing well, and when they came back, they were surprised to see two letters from my brother. My brother isn’t the most talkative person, hence the surprise. Since we weren’t able to contact him, my brother had no idea that my parents were away. He was probably wondering what was wrong with us, why we had yet to reply to his letters. Then today, my parents received a third letter. In this letter, it was obvious that my brother was wondering what was going on.

“I’m just writing to update you two, keep myself busy, and honestly because I miss home. I don’t know if you have sent any letters yet, but I still haven’t received a single piece of mail from anyone I mailed. It kind of sucks because everyone else has received between two and twenty letters already…”

The poor kid sees that everyone else has been getting letters, yet he hasn’t received a single one. It makes me so sad to think that he feels like no one cares enough to write. My parents mailed their first reply on Saturday, but since the Post Office was closed on Monday, it probably won’t arrive until today. At least, I hope it arrives today so it can lift his spirits. I also wrote him a letter, so hopefully he’ll get that soon. I know he’s feeling alone, especially in such a difficult environment. I can’t even imagine some of the things that they have to do during training. It’s exhausting both mentally and physically. I just hope that he stays positive and remembers that we all love and support him. Recently, we celebrated Memorial Day, which honors all those who died to serve our country. We should also remember to honor those who are in the beginning stages of this difficult journey, those who’ve been serving for years, those who’ve retired, as well as those who’ve lost their lives. Regardless of how I feel about war, I can’t deny that the men and women serving our country are making a huge sacrifice that some of us can’t even fathom. Even if a soldier is never called to war, every part of their journey is important, and their dedication deserves to be recognized. What these people are doing is both courageous and admirable.

Anyway, I’m not sure why, but I just wanted to share that. I don’t know how my brother would feel about being mentioned on my blog, but it’s not like I said anything embarrassing. Here’s hoping our letters make it to him soon, and that he realizes he is not alone. His graduation will be in July, so we’re all going to try to go. It’s in Oklahoma, which scares me a bit, but I think it’d be great for him to see us all there. Then after that, he’s off to Texas for his second training on being a health care specialist. That training should go more smoothly, I would think. They’ll probably be just as strict though. Everything requires so much discipline, you can’t even poop when you want to. I said “poop” on my blog. Way to make a serious post less serious. I believe that’s my cue to end this post. I hope you’re all having a great week so far. Is it Friday yet?

~Lily~

My little brother…all grown up.

Random Ish About Me (AKA, Ways To Bore You)

• I’ll be 25 this June. And in the blink of an eye, I’ll be 50, because that’s how time works.
• This October is my 9^th anniversary with my boyfriend. Makes me feel old. Don’t worry, I still love him.
• Being unemployed for 8 months made me appreciate…being unemployed. (Not to sound ungrateful. But it was really nice having all day to do…absolutely nothing.)
• Sometimes I sound like I’m being negative, but actually, I’m being realistic. There IS a difference.
• When I sing along to songs, I imagine myself performing them live. I get really into it. It’s quite sad.
• I love the smell of Spring. Sometimes I’ll walk outside and just breathe it in. And then I have to remind myself to keep walking, and not be the loser standing in the middle of the road.
• When I hear stories of people helping others, I tear up a little. I love that there is still good left in this world.
• For breakfast this morning, I had a piece of Entenmann’s Fudge Iced Golden Cake. CAKE…for BREAKFAST.
• I have no willpower where Hershey’s Bliss is concerned. Or Starburst Gummibursts. Or M&M Mini’s. Or chocolate chip cookies. Or…this list could be endless.
• I tend to count while I’m walking up or down the stairs. No idea why, I just do.
• Sometimes I over-think what I want to say, and it doesn’t help at all…it never comes out right. Afterwards, I’ll think of what I could have said, which only leads to regret.
• Some people might consider me lazy. I like to consider myself focused. Focused on what I really, really, really don’t want to do.
• Being lazy is a skill, not a flaw. I can skillfully be lazy when it’s convenient to me, and when it will not result in my disappointing people and/or losing my job.
• I should probably stop talking about being lazy.
• I get what I like to call “mouth hunger.” My tummy isn’t the least bit hungry, but I’ll eat anyway, because my mouth makes me do it.
• I hate feeling stressed. I know it’s a part of work life, but I’m not the best at handling it. Makes me want to quit…life. Haha. Just kidding.
• Two days ago, I had an idea for a blog post. But then my brain turned my thoughts into goo. CRSS. (Can’t Remember Shit Syndrome.)
• Can you tell this is a filler post? I’m sorry. I’m stressed and I’m going blind. Blame my job. (But don’t tell them I said that.)

~Lily~

Belonging

Belonging

Surrounded by
Voices
A crowd full of laughter
And echoes of happiness
I am not privy to

But there’s no one to blame
They’re not the cause
Of my silent pain
No one is aware
Of how much I ache

To be like them
To feel that I belong
To not be
Misunderstood
Or Miss Nobody-Knows-My-Name

To feel a sense of belonging
However short-lived
Just one blissful day
To live and feel loved
And unafraid

© Lillian F — 4/10/13

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 4

I think I might need to pretend this post never happened. Worst one yet. I would delete it, but it would still stay on people’s readers. Fuck.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

People Who Think Cars Work By Magic

I understand that no one is born knowing everything there is to know about cars. And I understand that, for the most part, guys are car experts, and girls are completely clueless. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. I think everyone should have a basic understanding of how cars work. I’m not saying that we should all become mechanics and fix everything ourselves. I’m saying that we should at least understand the basics, so that when we do go to the mechanic, he won’t screw us over for being clueless. Cars are not magical things that always work for you. If you don’t give your car some TLC, and regularly maintain it, then how can you complain when something goes wrong? A car is only as reliable as the person maintaining it. (Unless you got a lemon, which kinda sorta isn’t your fault.) If you never change the oil, or let your car “warm up” on really cold days, or replace your brake pads and tires as needed, then what do you expect? Cars have batteries and engines and brakes and tires that take a lot of abuse. Be nice to your car.

A few months ago, I went to PepBoys to purchase new tires. (Buy 3, get 1 free.) About 30 minutes in, PepBoys called me and said, “While we were replacing your tires, we noticed your brakes were pretty bad. We can replace them for you for about $500.” Well, here’s a couple things they didn’t know. First, my car has sensors for EVERYTHING, and would have told me if there was brake wear. Second, both my boyfriend and my father know a lot about cars, and would never let my brakes get to that point. Third, even if they were pretty bad, I know enough not to be ripped off $500 for something that costs much less. We double checked, and my brakes were fine. The brake pads, which all of you should be checking a few times a year, were not worn out yet. Brake pads average about $50 for a set of 2, and are simple enough to replace on your own. (Obviously, not everyone can or will, but it’s something simple that your mechanic will overcharge for.) If you regularly replace your brake pads as they wear out, and occasionally inspect the overall brakes for cracks or holes, your brakes should last you a long time. If you let them go, then that’s when you cause damage to other parts of the car’s braking system, and that will cost you more money in the end. If your brakes start feeling or sounding weird, then check them. It’s not worth it to put this off.

I could say a lot more, but this post already sounds preachy, doesn’t it? (It’s also kind of long and boring…I know.) Basically, set aside at least ONE day a year for checking your car battery, checking the oil levels, getting an oil change, checking for leaks, and checking for brake wear and tire wear. Cars can’t magically fix themselves. Oh, and if you don’t want your car to get all rusty and shit, maybe you should wash it once a month, especially when there’s bird poop or snow/salt. I know you’re super busy, but if your car has been there for you every single day, then maybe you can be there for it every now and then. Just saying.

~Lily~

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 3

SNOBS

Are you a snob? I sure hope not, because if you are, you probably won’t enjoy this post. I would just like to know one thing. What makes anyone think that they are superior to everyone else? When I say superior, I’m not talking about in the workforce, where there are obviously different positions and levels of authority. I’m talking about people who go through life thinking they should be put on a pedestal, while everyone else should be kissing their feet. People who only associate with others of the same class, ignoring or talking down to anyone “beneath” them. I can’t imagine living my life as a rude, obnoxious prick who expects everyone to cater to my every need. News flash: it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, how much money or property you own, or who your family is. We all came into this world the same way and we’re all leaving it the same way…with nothing. Your fancy car, your enormous mansion, all the money in the bank, none of that is going with you. At the end of the day, the only thing that’s yours is the 6-foot deep plot at the cemetery, and even that’s not really yours. So maybe all the snobs in the world should spend less time with their noses up in the air, and more time treating people like human beings, who deserve kindness and respect. Having a kind, generous heart is worth a million times more than all the money in the world. Money can only buy you temporary things, but the impression you leave on people can last a lifetime. 

Whoa, does this shit sound preachy? Crap, that’s not what I was going for. Damn, I almost made it through a whole post without cursing. Fuck.

~Lily~

Ugh!

It’s My Blog And I’ll Whine If I Want To

Being a grown-up is so overrated. I want no part of it. If my name’s on some grown-up list, please kindly cross it off. Because ugh. I’m being a big baby, I KNOW. But do you know how hard it is to go back to work after being unemployed for 8 months? Do you? I knew it would be hard to go back, but AHHHHH, it’s actually harder. Remind me to never get laid off and stay laid off for that long. It’s not worth it. I hate waking up full of dread for the 8 hours that await me. I hate driving to the office, being in the office, dressing for the office. I hate everything except for my paycheck. I guess it’s not really the office that I hate. I hate that I’m forced to hate Mondays again. Come to think of it, I hate Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays too. Saturdays are nice, but I kind of have to hate Sundays too because they lead to Mondays. Do you see what’s happening here? 6 out of 7 days are full of HATRED. That’s no way to live, people. We should demand a refund.

While some of you may think I’m just a lazy fart or an ungrateful bitch, please know I am neither of those things. I’m just a big whiny baby. You don’t understand though…my whole being is in shock. I felt so much joy every morning, waking up and knowing I had absolutely nowhere to be. It was a beautiful thing until reality stuck it’s huge nose into my business and demanded that I rejoin the real world. And just like that, my days of uselessness relaxation were stolen from me with no prior warning. I’m sure I’ll manage to readjust to this insane schedule of working Monday through Friday, but until then, I shall remain a big whiny baby.

Anyway, at least I survived my first week back. I felt like I was in the twilight zone at first, but after a while, everything felt fairly normal. (It’s weird going back to a job that you were laid off from when you already made peace with the fact that you’d never be back again.) Unfortunately, what I’m doing now is nothing like what I used to do, and that makes me very uncomfortable. I hate not knowing what I’m doing. I always want to do an awesome job. I worry too much about messing something up. I also have a fear of phones, and this job requires making many phone calls. Once I get into the flow of things, I’ll probably wonder what I was so worried about. But for now, I can’t help feeling anxious every time I sit at my desk. Stupid nerves. It’s bad enough I have to drag myself out of bed and into the office every day…do I really need stupid nerves on top of that? *Sigh* I think you’ve had enough of my bitching negativity, so I’ll end on a positive note…………bye!

~Lily~

For Lack Of A Better Title…

I have some news that you may or may not care about. After a glorious 8 months of doing absolutely nothing, I am finally going back to work. (I was laid off due to lack of work, not because I’m a lazy fart.) I was actually contacted by my previous employer. Part of me feels weird going back after having been laid off, but the other part of me is happy that I get to skip the whole interview process. I can’t stand interviews. It’s also only a five-minute commute, which I always loved. There is a downside though. (Isn’t there always?) They are offering me a temporary to permanent position, depending on how business goes. The uncertainty is troubling,  but at least I’ll be better prepared than last time. (And the pay is actually better, so who cares?)

There is another negative though. My ass won’t seem to fit into any of my old work slacks. Not so much my ass, but rather the place where my flat abs should be and my love handles shouldn’t be. UGH. No, I don’t want to be one of those girls who obsesses about weight. Anyway, what I really can’t stand is having to buy new pants as a result of this weight thing. Did you know that people suck at making pants? With this one brand I was trying on, a size 3, 5, and 7 all fit exactly the same. REALLY? And when comparing a size 3 to a size 9, there was barely a half-inch difference in the waist band. Again, REALLY? Since I’m talking about clothes, I’d also like to vent about the fact that designers need to realize that women are not always proportional or perfect. Just because a woman has a thicker waist does not mean that she has thicker legs. Sometimes a woman’s legs are a size 3 but her waist is a size 5 or 7. OKAY? Thanks.

Alright, so if you learned anything today, it’s that my pants don’t fit, and I’m going back to work…naked. Just kidding. I did manage to find a few slacks. Anyway, I’m going to try to enjoy my last few days of freedom. Although I’ve had more than enough time off, I still can’t believe it’s over. This is gonna take some getting used to. You really do get used to being unemployed. I actually have to set my alarm and go to work on Monday. WHAT?! F&*#!!!

Have a great weekend!

~Lily~