Rules (And Taxes) Can Bite Me

How does a person become the rule maker? Because I want to be that person. Current rule makers are busy making rules that are retarded as fuck only serve to annoy people and make them do more work than necessary. Renewing your license, for example. Why must we fill out that stupid form (every time!) and bring 6-points worth of documents with us? It’s not like those documents actually prove that we know how to drive. (Yeah, because my being born really proves that I’m a responsible driver.) Then when you complain, all you hear is, “Sorry, but those are the rules…” That’s  the worst excuse in the world. Somebody MADE UP those rules, and they could easily unmake them if they weren’t such a giant butt-hole.

Buying a house is a great example of how much rules suck. Now that we’re considering buying a house, (because paying rent is the equivalent to throwing your money out the window on a windy day) we’re realizing just how annoying all these rules are. Why can’t you just find a house, make an offer, mortgage approved, sign, and be done with it? That’s complicated enough without all the back and forth, figuring out your budget, attorney/Realtor costs, inspection/appraisal costs, closing cost, other costs that they sneak in there, plus making sure the house has all the necessary C.O.’s. What the fuck? I thought there was only one C.O. Now I find out that if you finish a basement, you need a permit. If you add a garage or extend the bedroom or add a fucking window, there’s a permit for that shit too.

Why do you need permission to make a house better? Oh right, because even if you pay it off, the damn thing is never yours. You’ll pay taxes for the rest of your life, which is basically just a slightly lower mortgage. Why are we forced to pay taxes? Is it because those are the rules? You must pay taxes until you die. But only because they haven’t figured out a way to charge taxes on the other side. Do you realize that with cars and homes, we pay more in taxes than the car or house is worth? If the land is just sitting there NOT doing anything, why do we need to pay $5,000 – $20,000 for the grass that just happens to sit around the house? Because the money funds the schools? FIND ANOTHER WAY TO PAY FOR SCHOOLS!

This post was only supposed to be about how much rules suck, but then I realized that taxes suck even harder. And not winning the lottery sucks the most. Because if you win the lottery, you don’t have to worry about how much to put down while still leaving enough money for attorney/Realtor/closing costs, AND leaving enough for house repairs and/or an emergencies. Not to say that money fixes everything, but…yeah, it kinda does. So fuck.


If Time Were Human, He’d Be An Asshole

I have a little time to kill (at work, shh, don’t tell anyone), so I thought, “Why not type to myself?” Why not, because sane people do that all the time. In fact, typing to oneself might be considered healthy. Haha. Okay. So, it’s September. It took me a couple of weeks to face that hard fact, and now all of a sudden, it’s about to be October. Do you know what that means? That it’s officially not summer anymore. It’s officially allowed to be cold in October. Didn’t we JUST do this, like, a couple of months ago? Didn’t I JUST escape to Puerto Rico to avoid part of the winter? Well, here we are again. Welcome to the concept of time…it fucking sucks.

I’m already 25. Shut up. I know you’re gonna say that 25 is very young, but guess what? It’s not. You know why? Because Britney Spears is 31. And I remember buying her first album when she was 16. SHE WAS 16 AND NOW SHE’S 31. That means that 15 years have gone by since then. How have I lived long enough for 15 years to have gone by just like that? A decade and a half. What the hell?! Sometimes I still feel like the 90’s weren’t that long ago, but OH NO, hold up, that was over 20 years ago. WHAT THE HELL?! What have I done with my life in those 20 years? Nothing, because life just keeps going on while I sit here trying to keep track of what year it is. Hey Time, what’s your rush? Slow the fuck down. Some of us want to stay alive for a few more years. And at this rate, I’ll be 50 before I can wrap my head around the fact that I’m no longer 20. Seriously, this isn’t funny anymore. It was cool when I was 12, and I wanted time to fly so that school would end. But guess what, I’m not in school anymore! Because I’m an old fart now. My eggs are drying up inside of me, and I’m still not married, so you’re kind of working against me. Do you think it’s funny that my eggs are rotting? HAHAHA! No, it’s not funny. What did I ever do to you, Mr. Asshole Time? What do you have against eggs?

You know what makes you even more of an asshole? The fact that an individual day (specifically, a day in the office) can go very slowly, but somehow, you still manage to make the years just fly by as if they never happened. AMAZING. I’m beginning to question if all these years did in fact happen. We’re all being robbed. You, my unfriend, are a vicious little thief. I want to grow old with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to grow old tomorrow, so take a chill-pill, Mr. Time! Maybe you should take up reading. There are more important things to do than to ensure that we all die, and die quickly. ASSHOLE.

Hey, look at that. I started off randomly typing to myself, and I ended up yelling at Mr. Time. Clearly, I am perfectly sane. It’s not like I talk to myself out loud like this all the time. Because, psshh, I totally don’t. Psshh…



Things I Can’t Stand – Part 5

Strange Men Who Hit On Women

To the strange man who hit on me in a parking lot, take note. Hitting on a woman you see on the street or in a store parking lot is not okay. It’s not sweet or flattering or the least bit charming. It’s gross. I suppose it wouldn’t be so horrible if you said something like, “Hi, we don’t know each other, but I think you’re beautiful.” But you would have to say that in a normal voice, with a normal expression on your face. If you lick your lips and wink at her, then you’re just being a prick. You shouldn’t talk to a stranger like that. Come to think of it, even if you know her, you still shouldn’t talk to her like that. Here are a few things you should never say, especially while licking your nasty lips.

  • Hey sexy, I got what you need.
  • Damn girl, looking sexy.
  • I want a piece of that ass.
  • Nice rack, sexy.
  • Hey, wanna have sex?

And just for the record, whistling at a woman is rude too. Pretty much, just don’t effing treat us like objects. Women like to feel pretty, but there are ways to go about that. (This isn’t a “How-To” blog so if you’re clueless, try Google.) And just FYI, if you’re talking to your man friend, and you say something inappropriate about a woman loud enough for her to hear, that’s equally gross. I mean, seriously, how many women do you expect to be turned on by your colorful comment? (Hint, it rhymes with hero.) What goes on in a man’s brain to make him think he can talk to female strangers that way? On the street, in a parking lot, no less. Idiot. Thanks for checking me out, but next time, keep your dirty little thoughts to yourself.



Things I Can’t Stand – Part 4

I think I might need to pretend this post never happened. Worst one yet. I would delete it, but it would still stay on people’s readers. Fuck.


People Who Think Cars Work By Magic

I understand that no one is born knowing everything there is to know about cars. And I understand that, for the most part, guys are car experts, and girls are completely clueless. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. I think everyone should have a basic understanding of how cars work. I’m not saying that we should all become mechanics and fix everything ourselves. I’m saying that we should at least understand the basics, so that when we do go to the mechanic, he won’t screw us over for being clueless. Cars are not magical things that always work for you. If you don’t give your car some TLC, and regularly maintain it, then how can you complain when something goes wrong? A car is only as reliable as the person maintaining it. (Unless you got a lemon, which kinda sorta isn’t your fault.) If you never change the oil, or let your car “warm up” on really cold days, or replace your brake pads and tires as needed, then what do you expect? Cars have batteries and engines and brakes and tires that take a lot of abuse. Be nice to your car.

A few months ago, I went to PepBoys to purchase new tires. (Buy 3, get 1 free.) About 30 minutes in, PepBoys called me and said, “While we were replacing your tires, we noticed your brakes were pretty bad. We can replace them for you for about $500.” Well, here’s a couple things they didn’t know. First, my car has sensors for EVERYTHING, and would have told me if there was brake wear. Second, both my boyfriend and my father know a lot about cars, and would never let my brakes get to that point. Third, even if they were pretty bad, I know enough not to be ripped off $500 for something that costs much less. We double checked, and my brakes were fine. The brake pads, which all of you should be checking a few times a year, were not worn out yet. Brake pads average about $50 for a set of 2, and are simple enough to replace on your own. (Obviously, not everyone can or will, but it’s something simple that your mechanic will overcharge for.) If you regularly replace your brake pads as they wear out, and occasionally inspect the overall brakes for cracks or holes, your brakes should last you a long time. If you let them go, then that’s when you cause damage to other parts of the car’s braking system, and that will cost you more money in the end. If your brakes start feeling or sounding weird, then check them. It’s not worth it to put this off.

I could say a lot more, but this post already sounds preachy, doesn’t it? (It’s also kind of long and boring…I know.) Basically, set aside at least ONE day a year for checking your car battery, checking the oil levels, getting an oil change, checking for leaks, and checking for brake wear and tire wear. Cars can’t magically fix themselves. Oh, and if you don’t want your car to get all rusty and shit, maybe you should wash it once a month, especially when there’s bird poop or snow/salt. I know you’re super busy, but if your car has been there for you every single day, then maybe you can be there for it every now and then. Just saying.


I Take That Back

Not too long ago, I wrote a post where I was pretty much whining about being a grown-up. I’m not gonna say I regret writing that. This is my blog. However, I just wanted to share with you guys how I’m feeling now. Not because you asked, not because you care…just because. Work has been going much better. The first week was not pretty, but last week went a million times better. Each day, I can feel myself adjusting more and more. Now it’s the start of my third week here, and I’m finding that I feel more confident. I can’t lie and say that I love waking up every morning to go to work, but who enjoys that anyway? Still, I am no longer hating life when I wake up, so that’s a step in the right direction.

One thing I am hating is this obnoxious weather. It would appear that winter is having a hard time handing over the reigns to spring, and that’s entirely unacceptable. Let it go, winter. It’s going to be April soon, and you’re still throwing snow at us. What the hell, man? It would be glorious to walk outside in the morning without a winter coat. So please, pretty please, hurry up and get lost already. Don’t take this personally, winter, but you suck.

This post is really boring, not that you need me to tell you that. Way to state the obvious. I have to be honest with my blogging buddies…I’ve been feeling kind of disconnected from my blog. I know everyone goes through writer’s block, but I don’t think that’s really the issue. I don’t know. Don’t break up with me just yet. I’m working on it, I swear. I changed my blog theme to see if maybe that’ll help. I don’t see why it would, but it gave me something to do. I’m very picky with blog themes, and find most of them lacking. I probably won’t keep this one for very long. (Seriously, why do they all seem to have SO MUCH extra space on either side? It’s a waste of space, and causes the post itself to look narrow and long. Ugh.)

Much love, hope you all have a great week.


Things I Can’t Stand – Part 3


Are you a snob? I sure hope not, because if you are, you probably won’t enjoy this post. I would just like to know one thing. What makes anyone think that they are superior to everyone else? When I say superior, I’m not talking about in the workforce, where there are obviously different positions and levels of authority. I’m talking about people who go through life thinking they should be put on a pedestal, while everyone else should be kissing their feet. People who only associate with others of the same class, ignoring or talking down to anyone “beneath” them. I can’t imagine living my life as a rude, obnoxious prick who expects everyone to cater to my every need. News flash: it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, how much money or property you own, or who your family is. We all came into this world the same way and we’re all leaving it the same way…with nothing. Your fancy car, your enormous mansion, all the money in the bank, none of that is going with you. At the end of the day, the only thing that’s yours is the 6-foot deep plot at the cemetery, and even that’s not really yours. So maybe all the snobs in the world should spend less time with their noses up in the air, and more time treating people like human beings, who deserve kindness and respect. Having a kind, generous heart is worth a million times more than all the money in the world. Money can only buy you temporary things, but the impression you leave on people can last a lifetime. 

Whoa, does this shit sound preachy? Crap, that’s not what I was going for. Damn, I almost made it through a whole post without cursing. Fuck.


No, you're really not.

It’s My Blog And I’ll Whine If I Want To

Being a grown-up is so overrated. I want no part of it. If my name’s on some grown-up list, please kindly cross it off. Because ugh. I’m being a big baby, I KNOW. But do you know how hard it is to go back to work after being unemployed for 8 months? Do you? I knew it would be hard to go back, but AHHHHH, it’s actually harder. Remind me to never get laid off and stay laid off for that long. It’s not worth it. I hate waking up full of dread for the 8 hours that await me. I hate driving to the office, being in the office, dressing for the office. I hate everything except for my paycheck. I guess it’s not really the office that I hate. I hate that I’m forced to hate Mondays again. Come to think of it, I hate Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays too. Saturdays are nice, but I kind of have to hate Sundays too because they lead to Mondays. Do you see what’s happening here? 6 out of 7 days are full of HATRED. That’s no way to live, people. We should demand a refund.

While some of you may think I’m just a lazy fart or an ungrateful bitch, please know I am neither of those things. I’m just a big whiny baby. You don’t understand though…my whole being is in shock. I felt so much joy every morning, waking up and knowing I had absolutely nowhere to be. It was a beautiful thing until reality stuck it’s huge nose into my business and demanded that I rejoin the real world. And just like that, my days of uselessness relaxation were stolen from me with no prior warning. I’m sure I’ll manage to readjust to this insane schedule of working Monday through Friday, but until then, I shall remain a big whiny baby.

Anyway, at least I survived my first week back. I felt like I was in the twilight zone at first, but after a while, everything felt fairly normal. (It’s weird going back to a job that you were laid off from when you already made peace with the fact that you’d never be back again.) Unfortunately, what I’m doing now is nothing like what I used to do, and that makes me very uncomfortable. I hate not knowing what I’m doing. I always want to do an awesome job. I worry too much about messing something up. I also have a fear of phones, and this job requires making many phone calls. Once I get into the flow of things, I’ll probably wonder what I was so worried about. But for now, I can’t help feeling anxious every time I sit at my desk. Stupid nerves. It’s bad enough I have to drag myself out of bed and into the office every day…do I really need stupid nerves on top of that? *Sigh* I think you’ve had enough of my bitching negativity, so I’ll end on a positive note…………bye!


For Lack Of A Better Title…

I have some news that you may or may not care about. After a glorious 8 months of doing absolutely nothing, I am finally going back to work. (I was laid off due to lack of work, not because I’m a lazy fart.) I was actually contacted by my previous employer. Part of me feels weird going back after having been laid off, but the other part of me is happy that I get to skip the whole interview process. I can’t stand interviews. It’s also only a five-minute commute, which I always loved. There is a downside though. (Isn’t there always?) They are offering me a temporary to permanent position, depending on how business goes. The uncertainty is troubling,  but at least I’ll be better prepared than last time. (And the pay is actually better, so who cares?)

There is another negative though. My ass won’t seem to fit into any of my old work slacks. Not so much my ass, but rather the place where my flat abs should be and my love handles shouldn’t be. UGH. No, I don’t want to be one of those girls who obsesses about weight. Anyway, what I really can’t stand is having to buy new pants as a result of this weight thing. Did you know that people suck at making pants? With this one brand I was trying on, a size 3, 5, and 7 all fit exactly the same. REALLY? And when comparing a size 3 to a size 9, there was barely a half-inch difference in the waist band. Again, REALLY? Since I’m talking about clothes, I’d also like to vent about the fact that designers need to realize that women are not always proportional or perfect. Just because a woman has a thicker waist does not mean that she has thicker legs. Sometimes a woman’s legs are a size 3 but her waist is a size 5 or 7. OKAY? Thanks.

Alright, so if you learned anything today, it’s that my pants don’t fit, and I’m going back to work…naked. Just kidding. I did manage to find a few slacks. Anyway, I’m going to try to enjoy my last few days of freedom. Although I’ve had more than enough time off, I still can’t believe it’s over. This is gonna take some getting used to. You really do get used to being unemployed. I actually have to set my alarm and go to work on Monday. WHAT?! F&*#!!!

Have a great weekend!


Things I Can’t Stand – Part 2


I understand, to a certain extent, that tolls are necessary. I do not understand, however, why in God’s name New York thinks they can charge whatever the fuck they want to. Okay, so New York’s an expensive place to live, and I’m sure they need money to fix the roads that see so much crime traffic every day. But what the hell? How can most tolls be $1 everywhere else, yet it costs me $28 round-trip to get into Long Island. (We have to go through 3 tolls round-trip.) Long Island is an hour away, not ten hours. $28 fucking dollars? I could probably drive from Jersey to California and pay less than that. Do you know how many people travel to and from New York EVERY day? Let’s say there are 100,000 people traveling to/from Long Island every day…at $28 a person, that would be $2,800,000. That’s two million, eight hundred thousand dollars. Have you seen the roads in New York? Have you seen all the construction that never seems to end and never seems to actually help? What the hell are these people doing with the (roughly) $2,800,000 they get daily? Want to know what I’d do with $2,800,000? I would sue New York hurry up and fix the fucking roads so that people could have a pleasant driving experience! And if their excuse is that there’s no time to fix the roads, that’s bullshit. You make the sacrifice and you work from 10pm – 6am, one lane at a time, so as to not have to close down the whole road and cause more angry drivers traffic. You don’t set up cones and leave them there, and never actually do the work you lazy fart. Why is everyone okay with paying so much money in tolls? How is this even allowed? I should boycott these outrageous tolls. But since I can’t, I’ll just rant on my blog and feel better about it. Yup. K…bye.


P.S. I’m sorry if cursing bothers you, but I feel like you can’t have a rant without a few f-bombs.

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 1


Accidents happen every day, multiple times a day. It’s an unfortunate part of life. While it’s perfectly natural to be morbidly curious about an accident, it is not perfectly natural to drive 10 mph on a highway just to satisfy that curiosity. First off, it’s rude. Second, it’s rude. And third, it’s still rude. It’s rude because no one appreciates being stared at. It’s rude because you shouldn’t want to see someone’s guts scattered on the highway. And it’s rude because everyone behind you wants to get the fuck home and you’re slowing them the fuck down. STOP MAKING TRAFFIC. You’ll never get a good look at the scene anyway, so why bother? It doesn’t even have to be an accident. You’ll stare at any idiot with a car that won’t start or a flat tire. You know, curiosity killed the cat…a very rude cat. STOP. BEING. SO. DAMN. RUDE. If you really want to see a nasty accident, just Google it.

You know why it’s called rubbernecking? Because it’s fucking unnatural. Because our necks aren’t made out of rubber, and they’re not supposed to stretch like that. It’s unnatural because you should be looking in front of you in an effort to avoid getting into an accident, like the idiot you’re staring at. Wouldn’t that be stupid? Crashing your car because you just had to look at that car crash? That would be epic. Stupid’s probably a better word. Fucking retarded. Okay, rant over. This was a very toned down rant. That’s because I’m sure many of you are guilty of rubbernecking, and I really didn’t want to offend you too much. You know, because I love you. “Things I Can’t Stand” is probably going to be a new mini series on my blog. I will attempt to post things in this series, whenever I can’t think of anything else to blog about. Or…this could be the first and last time I do this. If you know me at all, you know it can go either way. Okay, don’t hold your breath for Part 2.


                                   2001-05-23                 images (1)

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