Things I Can’t Stand – Part 6


Okay, ABC. I bet you think your shows are awesome. They probably make you tons of money too. Well, I just wanted to thank you for creating The Bachelor and all those wonderful spin-off shows that make me ashamed to be human. Nicely done! It’s kind of weird, because I’m sure the people are real, but everything just seems so….fake. Hmm. I guess that’s a prerequisite for reality TV shows. You can’t have reality without a little bullshit fiction, am I right?

It’s amazing how natural you make everything look. I almost believe that I should have a row of guys waiting for me, dressed in nice suits…or armor, sweating it out for the sake of a rose. Every guy’s dream come true. It looks so natural when the bachelor(ette) is standing there, sighing heavily, looking down a lot, building the tension before giving away the final rose. Epic. Just look at all those men fighting for one women’s attention. Do you see how excited they get when she walks away, and comes back with a little rose for them? So natural. Real life should totally work that way. Tell me, is there a script? There has to be, because I can’t believe the shit that comes out of those people’s mouths. Priceless, really. Or better yet, it’s epic. Because the word epic is totally appropriate for a bullshit TV show. I’ve even come to forget what that word actually means. I showered all by myself this morning and it was epic.

Young girls everywhere used to dream of falling in love with their high school sweetheart and getting married. Now young girls get to dream of growing up and being on The Bachelor. Better yet, they can aim higher and dream of being on The Bachelorette. Why fight for one guy when 25 guys can fight for YOU? Talk about a dream come true. Honestly, America owes you so much, ABC. I don’t even want to think about falling in love with a guy unless 25 other women are competing for his love, or 25 men are lining up for me in the hopes of building a collection of tiny roses. And if that doesn’t work out, because, let’s face it, it never does, then I can join a whole bunch of other lonely castmates for a chance to bring shame to my family win $250,000. Righteous! Normal relationships are just so boring. Thanks for that. No, really, thank you. You make this world a better place.



What it all comes down to...
What it all comes down to…

The Answer To That Question Nobody Asked

Since I have nothing better to do, I decided to analyze something not worth analyzing. I’m going to answer nobody’s unasked question about why certain animals exist. That’s right, nobody asked and nobody cares, but I’m going to enlighten you anyway. That’s what’s so lame great about me, I’m such a giver. It’s possible that I’ve lost my mind. This year I have read the 50 Shades of Utter Crap trilogy, I got laid off (meaning I no longer have to THINK for a living), and I’m watching the Bachelor Pad of Douche Bags. So, you know, there are NO MORE brain cells left in my poor head. Isn’t that sad?

We exist because, duh, we are adorable.


BIRDS: To teach us not to obsess over material things. They accomplish this by pooping all over your car. They are especially attracted to shiny, just washed cars. However, they do not discriminate based on manufacturer, shape or size.

BUGS: They serve three purposes. One, if you’re feeling small, don’t fret, you will always be bigger than a bug. Two, to remind you that life is short. Three, to creep you out.

CATS: To help people feel less lonely. No friends, no boyfriend? Do you have a cat? Oh, 5 of them? Then all is well.

CHICKENS: These poor creatures can never cross the road without being questioned about their motives. You can (probably) leave the house whenever you want and go wherever you please. You are so damn lucky.

DEER: To remind us to slow the fuck down. Sadly, many deer are slaughtered injured in the process of delivering this message.

DOGS: To keep you company when no one else will. And when your friends turn their backs on you after that really stupid thing you did, don’t worry…a dog will never judge you.

FISH: To remind us how fortunate we are. Every time you look at a fish trapped in a super tiny bowl, just remember, your life isn’t THAT bad. And you can feed yourself. And air won’t kill you.

GIRAFFES: Were you made fun of for being tall and skinny? Just think of what that poor giraffe has to go through. Feel better?

PIGS: If people think you smell awful and that your home is unsanitary, just stand next to a pig. No one will ever judge you again.

SNAKES: You were most likely born with two arms and two legs. Snakes, not so much. God must like you. Don’t you feel blessed?

SQUIRRELS: This one’s more for the men. Squirrels love nuts just as much as men do. But squirrels store their nuts for when they REALLY need them, thus ensuring their survival. Men, take note…hide your junk nuts.

TURTLES: Do people often call you a slowpoke? Just remember, no matter how slow people say you are, turtles will always be slower. Except that one time, in that book…


Ew, get off me.

So yeah, animals are around to help us feel better, in case you were wondering.


Lower, Lower…There, You Couldn’t Possibly Stoop Any Lower

How does one become a FAN of the contestants on the Bachelor shows? (Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette) Why would you idolize those people? They are morons just people, not well-known celebrities. (Actually, celebrities are just people too.) The contestants are just a group of idiots playing a game for money, or attention, or because they actually think it would be AMAZING to fall in love on a TV show. What’s so amazing about that? “I want to fall in love on TV, and then show my kids!” Seriously? What’s wrong with falling in love, oh I don’t know, the natural way? How on earth have those shows lasted so many years? What does that say about us? That we’re incapable of learning from our mistakes. So, so tragic.

How many of those “relationships” have worked out? Like 2½ out of 24? And those 2½ “relationships” can end any day now, because breaking up is totally their thing. I mean, it’s TOTALLY REALISTIC to think you can find Mr. or Mrs. Right on a TV show. With cameras up your ass in your face 24/7, and with dozens of people competing, all under the same roof in one drama-free environment. That’s definitely how God intended it to be. He was also hoping people would make fools of themselves prove their worth by doing things such as ribbon dancing, racing through a hot fudge sundae obstacle course, participating in a super boring made-up game show, all in the hopes of receiving a rose. Totally. HIS. Divine. Plan.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are about finding love. (Trust me, it was hard typing that with a straight face.) But Bachelor Pad rewards people with $250,000. WHY? What makes them worthy? “Hey, you seem like a real moron. Here, take this check for $250,000! You need it much more than the hungry, the homeless, or the unemployed!” Yeah, ABC, great way to spend your time and money. Not to mention, shows like this really fill people with pride. “I love Bachelor Pad, and I am a proud American.” NOT. You’re not taking offense to this, are you? Here, let me share some enlightening quotes with you!

“I’m a Scorpio and I will sting the shit of you, in retrospect. For real.” – Look up retrospect…for real.

“I’m gonna eat my kids’ hair sometime.” – Really, we all say this at some point in our lives.

“This just shows you, you really can’t trust anyone. It’s so sad.” – You mean, in a room FULL of people competing for $250,000, you have to be careful what you say and who you trust? NO EFFING WAY!

Now, I’m not being a hypocrite, if that’s what you’re thinking. I watch the show for the same reason people slow down to see a car accident…in the hopes of seeing a dead body. Totally kidding, I don’t do that. I just really enjoy watching so many stupid people all in one place, forming alliances, losing challenges and getting overly emotional. Not to mention, watching this show makes me feel so much more intelligent. I am not a FAN though. You’ll never find me walking through the “Bachelor Experience” in a wax museum. I feel nothing for those people, except maybe pity. A few of them seem like (somewhat) decent human beings. Most of them, though, are stupid, gullible, mean, conceited, slutty, conniving, awful liars…the list goes on. But you know, I can see why people idolize these amazing people; personally, they’re my heroes. Picture that sentence covered in bullshit and dripping with sarcasm.

So glad I finished high school for this. I’m totally gonna win.

Enough said.


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