Things I Can’t Stand – Part 7

**This has been in my drafts since 2018. But eh, why the heck not?**

It’s been a while since I’ve posted in this category. I know, just when you thought I had given up on that stupid series, BAM! There I go again. It’s tough being a Don’t Quote Lily reader. I feel your pain. Anyway, rather than focus on ONE stupid thing, (because I have the attention span of a child) I thought I would talk about several stupid things. Everybody say YAY!! No? Fine, let’s get to business then.

Stupid/Annoying Things

1. White shirt, black bra. COME ON, ladies. Why do so many women do this? I just need an answer that makes sense. Wearing a black bra under a white shirt is the exact opposite of common sense. It’s uncommon sense. It’s common non-sense. Stop the madness! P.S. It’s also kind of slutty.

2. Premium gas. Why don’t they ever advertise the price of premium gas on those big, bright signs? You don’t know how much you’re paying for premium until you pull up to the pump. Just because MOST people use regular, doesn’t mean that NO one uses premium. Get with the program!

3. Left turns. I hate left turns on streets with no left turn light. Just turning left out of the parking lot at work is a pain in the ass, and can take minutes…MINUTES! On both ends of the road, there are lights. But the thing is, there’s never a break in cars, because you have two streets that turn onto this road, so when one is red, the other is green, and vice versa, so it never ends!

4. Car accidents. It’s not raining, snowing, nothing is falling out of the sky. SO, what is your excuse for crashing into the car in front of you? I just don’t understand how there are so many stupid drivers out there. FOCUS, people!

5. Airline fees. Especially on United. You pay for the ticket (which to me means you’re paying for a seat) but then, only a small number of seats are “free.” The majority are another $50-$80 on top of the price of the ticket. My other pet peeve is the fee you have to pay if your luggage exceeds the weight limit. Say you pay $25 for one checked bag. But if it’s a pound over, then you have to pay another $100?! Meanwhile, if you take the extra weight out of the suitcase and onto your carry-on, it’s all still going on the plane. So please tell me why you need to charge an extra $100 to keep it in your suitcase? And what about people? You may have 100 passengers who average 140 pounds. But then you have one person who weights 250, 300 pounds. Are you gonna charge them extra? SMH.

Welp, I think that’s it for this super random post.

~Lily~

Rules (And Taxes) Can Bite Me

How does a person become the rule maker? Because I want to be that person. Current rule makers are busy making rules that are retarded as fuck only serve to annoy people and make them do more work than necessary. Renewing your license, for example. Why must we fill out that stupid form (every time!) and bring 6-points worth of documents with us? It’s not like those documents actually prove that we know how to drive. (Yeah, because my being born really proves that I’m a responsible driver.) Then when you complain, all you hear is, “Sorry, but those are the rules…” That’s  the worst excuse in the world. Somebody MADE UP those rules, and they could easily unmake them if they weren’t such a giant butt-hole.

Buying a house is a great example of how much rules suck. Now that we’re considering buying a house, (because paying rent is the equivalent to throwing your money out the window on a windy day) we’re realizing just how annoying all these rules are. Why can’t you just find a house, make an offer, mortgage approved, sign, and be done with it? That’s complicated enough without all the back and forth, figuring out your budget, attorney/Realtor costs, inspection/appraisal costs, closing cost, other costs that they sneak in there, plus making sure the house has all the necessary C.O.’s. What the fuck? I thought there was only one C.O. Now I find out that if you finish a basement, you need a permit. If you add a garage or extend the bedroom or add a fucking window, there’s a permit for that shit too.

Why do you need permission to make a house better? Oh right, because even if you pay it off, the damn thing is never yours. You’ll pay taxes for the rest of your life, which is basically just a slightly lower mortgage. Why are we forced to pay taxes? Is it because those are the rules? You must pay taxes until you die. But only because they haven’t figured out a way to charge taxes on the other side. Do you realize that with cars and homes, we pay more in taxes than the car or house is worth? If the land is just sitting there NOT doing anything, why do we need to pay $5,000 – $20,000 for the grass that just happens to sit around the house? Because the money funds the schools? FIND ANOTHER WAY TO PAY FOR SCHOOLS!

This post was only supposed to be about how much rules suck, but then I realized that taxes suck even harder. And not winning the lottery sucks the most. Because if you win the lottery, you don’t have to worry about how much to put down while still leaving enough money for attorney/Realtor/closing costs, AND leaving enough for house repairs and/or an emergencies. Not to say that money fixes everything, but…yeah, it kinda does. So fuck.

~Lily~

Help, I’m Trapped In My Shirt

Can someone please explain how it’s possible to put on a shirt, and then not know how the hell you’re supposed to take it OFF? I can’t be alone here. It was a day like any other day. (Pretending to sound dramatic.) I received my online order, and was excited to try everything on. In hindsight, that was very naïve of me. I grabbed the first blouse, but hesitated putting it on because of the lack of stretch. I should’ve known not to take the risk, but what the hell, what’s life without a little risk? Trying on clothes is fun! Well, it was easy enough getting into. While it was on, it looked fine. A little loose, but in a good way, because who needs to see my love handles?

But then…THEN…I decided I should take it off and try on the next top. Makes sense, because when you try something on, you’ll eventually need to take it off. Easier said than done. Maybe I never learned how to properly remove my clothing. Maybe I’m just totally clueless. Or maybe there needs to be a law about all tops having at least 5% elasticity in the waist and shoulder areas, for those of us who are, you know…NOT PERFECT. Because maybe some people have broader shoulders than others, and can’t just gracefully remove the top over their head. Maybe some people can’t bend their elbows awkwardly enough in order to find their way out of the arm-hole. Maybe, asshole, it shouldn’t be so damn complicated to take off a fucking shirt.

Attention, clothes-maker. The removal of one’s clothing should not cause one to sweat, you hear me? Absolutely not. Removal of one’s clothing should also not cause slight to moderate panic attacks at the thought of being trapped in the garment forever, or the thought of having to scissor your way through a brand new shirt. None of these things should happen. EVER. Maybe if I had a perfectly proportional body, it wouldn’t be such a workout to get in and out of non-stretchy tops. Perhaps the clothes were being intentionally difficult, so as to inspire me to work out or chop off my love handles and shoulders. Or maybe none of that should matter, because who the hell are you to judge? Just make your clothes stretchy and forgiving, would you? I should hope this incident will not soon repeat itself. You’ve been warned, evil clothes-makers. So beware. Because, yeah. There’s jack shit I can do about it.

~Lily~

funny-woman-shopping-failure-cartoon

Crickets, Meet Your Maker

Crickets and I have a love/hate relationship. As in, I love to hate them. Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote about a cricket problem. The noise was everywhere, haunting me. I stalked the crickets for days before my shoe finally found them. After they were gone, I could still hear them in my head. That’s how bad it was. I suppose they enjoy coming out to pester me this time of year because…they’re back! Did you know it was cricket season? Thanks for the warning.

I’ve yet to see one inside my apartment, but they’re close. Too close for comfort. Every single day, I see a cricket inside the foyer. (The space between the outside door and my apartment door…that’s a foyer, right?) In the last week or so, I’ve killed a handful of them. I’ve lost track. What the hell is going on with my foyer? Let me tell you, I am damn tired of being afraid to enter my own home! I open the outside door, close it, and before I unlock the second door, I do a cricket/critter check. It never fails, there’s always one. The other day, there was one just over my door. I knew it would jump inside my apartment if I cracked the door open, so I stood there like a moron, waiting for the chance to smack the shit out of it.

Do you believe that it’s bad luck to kill a cricket? Do you also believe in Santa Claus? I think it’s pretty ridiculous to believe that a cricket is good luck, and that to kill it would bring bad karma. If that were true, then I’m cursed! Who died and made crickets special anyway? Crickets are basically deformed spiders. They may not use web, but their jumping skills are not to be underestimated. My handle trembles every time I’m about to smack the life out of a cricket, because, ewww…what if it jumps on me in an effort to escape my shoe? *Cringes* I usually have to take a few swings before I finally nail the sucker, therefore increasing the odds of the cricket jumping on me. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

I live in repulsion fear of these pesky critters. No matter how many crickets I murder, they keep coming back for more. I think they’re ganging up against me, trying to see how many of them can make it inside my home. I’m doing the best I can, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to realize how serious this issue is. He left our apartment door open a crack yesterday. OPEN! The opening was large enough for a cricket to squeeze in. Simply unacceptable. I’m going to have to do something about that boyfriend of mine. How can he go on with his life, as if crickets weren’t a true menace to society my sanity?! How does he do it? *Sigh* Don’t worry about me though, I’m strong. I won’t let them win. They will not steal my sanity, not this time! (How can I lose something I never had to begin with? Yes, I just called myself crazy.)

~Lily~

P.S. Yes, I tend to exaggerate.

Settling In

The tortuous office move, that I was convinced wasn’t actually happening, is finally over. No more packing and being temporarily displaced. And I’m happy to announce that my commute isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In the morning, I can get there in 10-15 minutes. There’s more traffic at the end of the day, but I guess it could be worse. It’s not as fast and easy as my old commute, but all things considered, I can’t complain. Actually I can. (Don’t you know me at all?) The parking lot at this new office is so stupid. Aside from the fact that there’s no garage, they also made the main parking lot for visitors only. That’s right, visitors. So employees have to skip the main entrance, and drive to the second parking lot. Once you park, you have to cross a little bridge to get to the building. Why on earth should visitors be closer to the building than the employees? Rude.

It was a slow start yesterday, what with things not functioning properly in the morning, but once they got all the power working, and the phones and printers hooked up, it was all good. I didn’t stop working all day. I actually skipped lunch because there were so many things to do, especially considering it’s a short week. I usually do everything pretty quickly, but lately I have a bunch of things that are up in the air, and it drives me crazy. I hate when things are pending just because people can’t reply to my phone calls or emails. Get your shit together and get back to me. It stresses me out when I have all these piles of things to do. How dare they make me have “to do” piles. Rude.

I’m trying to get as organized as possible because next week…I’ll be in Oklahoma! No, that’s not excitement you hear. Oklahoma? Tornado country? Only one direct flight on a tiny plane, and the only other options are connecting flights? I’m gonna die. But anyway, if I don’t die, I’ll be with my parents visiting my brother for his graduation from basic training. Yay, he graduated! We’re all excited to see him again. I can’t believe it’s been two months already. I’m proud of my little brother. They’ll have family day activities on Thursday, and then the actual graduation is on Friday. On both days, we’ll be able to go out with him for several hours. We can only go to certain areas, and he has to stay in uniform the entire time. Talk about strict. After that, my brother will be heading to his advanced training in Texas, and we’ll be heading back home…on yet another connecting flight. *Cringes* I wouldn’t mind going to see my brother in Texas next time. That’s actually one of the few states I’d be interested in visiting. But Oklahoma? No offense but…it’s Oklahoma.

So, if you don’t hear from me ever again, it was either a plane crash or a tornado, or I just stopped blogging because I have nothing to say and nobody cares anyway. In all seriousness, I really hope we don’t die. If my mom is reading this, she’ll probably be mad that I’m joking about dying. Dying is not cool. Seriously, I don’t recommend it. Avoid dying at all costs. Have a good one, my fellow bloggers. It’s been real.

~Lily~

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 6

THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

Okay, ABC. I bet you think your shows are awesome. They probably make you tons of money too. Well, I just wanted to thank you for creating The Bachelor and all those wonderful spin-off shows that make me ashamed to be human. Nicely done! It’s kind of weird, because I’m sure the people are real, but everything just seems so….fake. Hmm. I guess that’s a prerequisite for reality TV shows. You can’t have reality without a little bullshit fiction, am I right?

It’s amazing how natural you make everything look. I almost believe that I should have a row of guys waiting for me, dressed in nice suits…or armor, sweating it out for the sake of a rose. Every guy’s dream come true. It looks so natural when the bachelor(ette) is standing there, sighing heavily, looking down a lot, building the tension before giving away the final rose. Epic. Just look at all those men fighting for one women’s attention. Do you see how excited they get when she walks away, and comes back with a little rose for them? So natural. Real life should totally work that way. Tell me, is there a script? There has to be, because I can’t believe the shit that comes out of those people’s mouths. Priceless, really. Or better yet, it’s epic. Because the word epic is totally appropriate for a bullshit TV show. I’ve even come to forget what that word actually means. I showered all by myself this morning and it was epic.

Young girls everywhere used to dream of falling in love with their high school sweetheart and getting married. Now young girls get to dream of growing up and being on The Bachelor. Better yet, they can aim higher and dream of being on The Bachelorette. Why fight for one guy when 25 guys can fight for YOU? Talk about a dream come true. Honestly, America owes you so much, ABC. I don’t even want to think about falling in love with a guy unless 25 other women are competing for his love, or 25 men are lining up for me in the hopes of building a collection of tiny roses. And if that doesn’t work out, because, let’s face it, it never does, then I can join a whole bunch of other lonely castmates for a chance to bring shame to my family win $250,000. Righteous! Normal relationships are just so boring. Thanks for that. No, really, thank you. You make this world a better place.

Absolute
Bull
Crap

~Lily~

What it all comes down to...
What it all comes down to…

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 5

Strange Men Who Hit On Women

To the strange man who hit on me in a parking lot, take note. Hitting on a woman you see on the street or in a store parking lot is not okay. It’s not sweet or flattering or the least bit charming. It’s gross. I suppose it wouldn’t be so horrible if you said something like, “Hi, we don’t know each other, but I think you’re beautiful.” But you would have to say that in a normal voice, with a normal expression on your face. If you lick your lips and wink at her, then you’re just being a prick. You shouldn’t talk to a stranger like that. Come to think of it, even if you know her, you still shouldn’t talk to her like that. Here are a few things you should never say, especially while licking your nasty lips.

  • Hey sexy, I got what you need.
  • Damn girl, looking sexy.
  • I want a piece of that ass.
  • Nice rack, sexy.
  • Hey, wanna have sex?

And just for the record, whistling at a woman is rude too. Pretty much, just don’t effing treat us like objects. Women like to feel pretty, but there are ways to go about that. (This isn’t a “How-To” blog so if you’re clueless, try Google.) And just FYI, if you’re talking to your man friend, and you say something inappropriate about a woman loud enough for her to hear, that’s equally gross. I mean, seriously, how many women do you expect to be turned on by your colorful comment? (Hint, it rhymes with hero.) What goes on in a man’s brain to make him think he can talk to female strangers that way? On the street, in a parking lot, no less. Idiot. Thanks for checking me out, but next time, keep your dirty little thoughts to yourself.

~Lily~

442253-Cartoon-Woman-Chasing-Her-Husband-With-A-Rolling-Pin

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 4

I think I might need to pretend this post never happened. Worst one yet. I would delete it, but it would still stay on people’s readers. Fuck.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

People Who Think Cars Work By Magic

I understand that no one is born knowing everything there is to know about cars. And I understand that, for the most part, guys are car experts, and girls are completely clueless. But it really doesn’t have to be this way. I think everyone should have a basic understanding of how cars work. I’m not saying that we should all become mechanics and fix everything ourselves. I’m saying that we should at least understand the basics, so that when we do go to the mechanic, he won’t screw us over for being clueless. Cars are not magical things that always work for you. If you don’t give your car some TLC, and regularly maintain it, then how can you complain when something goes wrong? A car is only as reliable as the person maintaining it. (Unless you got a lemon, which kinda sorta isn’t your fault.) If you never change the oil, or let your car “warm up” on really cold days, or replace your brake pads and tires as needed, then what do you expect? Cars have batteries and engines and brakes and tires that take a lot of abuse. Be nice to your car.

A few months ago, I went to PepBoys to purchase new tires. (Buy 3, get 1 free.) About 30 minutes in, PepBoys called me and said, “While we were replacing your tires, we noticed your brakes were pretty bad. We can replace them for you for about $500.” Well, here’s a couple things they didn’t know. First, my car has sensors for EVERYTHING, and would have told me if there was brake wear. Second, both my boyfriend and my father know a lot about cars, and would never let my brakes get to that point. Third, even if they were pretty bad, I know enough not to be ripped off $500 for something that costs much less. We double checked, and my brakes were fine. The brake pads, which all of you should be checking a few times a year, were not worn out yet. Brake pads average about $50 for a set of 2, and are simple enough to replace on your own. (Obviously, not everyone can or will, but it’s something simple that your mechanic will overcharge for.) If you regularly replace your brake pads as they wear out, and occasionally inspect the overall brakes for cracks or holes, your brakes should last you a long time. If you let them go, then that’s when you cause damage to other parts of the car’s braking system, and that will cost you more money in the end. If your brakes start feeling or sounding weird, then check them. It’s not worth it to put this off.

I could say a lot more, but this post already sounds preachy, doesn’t it? (It’s also kind of long and boring…I know.) Basically, set aside at least ONE day a year for checking your car battery, checking the oil levels, getting an oil change, checking for leaks, and checking for brake wear and tire wear. Cars can’t magically fix themselves. Oh, and if you don’t want your car to get all rusty and shit, maybe you should wash it once a month, especially when there’s bird poop or snow/salt. I know you’re super busy, but if your car has been there for you every single day, then maybe you can be there for it every now and then. Just saying.

~Lily~

I Take That Back

Not too long ago, I wrote a post where I was pretty much whining about being a grown-up. I’m not gonna say I regret writing that. This is my blog. However, I just wanted to share with you guys how I’m feeling now. Not because you asked, not because you care…just because. Work has been going much better. The first week was not pretty, but last week went a million times better. Each day, I can feel myself adjusting more and more. Now it’s the start of my third week here, and I’m finding that I feel more confident. I can’t lie and say that I love waking up every morning to go to work, but who enjoys that anyway? Still, I am no longer hating life when I wake up, so that’s a step in the right direction.

One thing I am hating is this obnoxious weather. It would appear that winter is having a hard time handing over the reigns to spring, and that’s entirely unacceptable. Let it go, winter. It’s going to be April soon, and you’re still throwing snow at us. What the hell, man? It would be glorious to walk outside in the morning without a winter coat. So please, pretty please, hurry up and get lost already. Don’t take this personally, winter, but you suck.

This post is really boring, not that you need me to tell you that. Way to state the obvious. I have to be honest with my blogging buddies…I’ve been feeling kind of disconnected from my blog. I know everyone goes through writer’s block, but I don’t think that’s really the issue. I don’t know. Don’t break up with me just yet. I’m working on it, I swear. I changed my blog theme to see if maybe that’ll help. I don’t see why it would, but it gave me something to do. I’m very picky with blog themes, and find most of them lacking. I probably won’t keep this one for very long. (Seriously, why do they all seem to have SO MUCH extra space on either side? It’s a waste of space, and causes the post itself to look narrow and long. Ugh.)

Much love, hope you all have a great week.

~Lily~

Things I Can’t Stand – Part 3

SNOBS

Are you a snob? I sure hope not, because if you are, you probably won’t enjoy this post. I would just like to know one thing. What makes anyone think that they are superior to everyone else? When I say superior, I’m not talking about in the workforce, where there are obviously different positions and levels of authority. I’m talking about people who go through life thinking they should be put on a pedestal, while everyone else should be kissing their feet. People who only associate with others of the same class, ignoring or talking down to anyone “beneath” them. I can’t imagine living my life as a rude, obnoxious prick who expects everyone to cater to my every need. News flash: it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, how much money or property you own, or who your family is. We all came into this world the same way and we’re all leaving it the same way…with nothing. Your fancy car, your enormous mansion, all the money in the bank, none of that is going with you. At the end of the day, the only thing that’s yours is the 6-foot deep plot at the cemetery, and even that’s not really yours. So maybe all the snobs in the world should spend less time with their noses up in the air, and more time treating people like human beings, who deserve kindness and respect. Having a kind, generous heart is worth a million times more than all the money in the world. Money can only buy you temporary things, but the impression you leave on people can last a lifetime. 

Whoa, does this shit sound preachy? Crap, that’s not what I was going for. Damn, I almost made it through a whole post without cursing. Fuck.

~Lily~

No, you're really not.
Ugh!

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