*This post might be considered slightly inappropriate.*
What is it with doctors wanting to see us naked? I understand my chest would need to be exposed if I was going in for open-heart surgery, but what about a tonsillectomy? Are my clothes blocking your access to my tonsils? Really? If I needed stitches on my wrist, would I have to get undressed for that too? I think doctors are just looking for whatever free porn they can get. Not cool, doctor, not cool. Get your dose of porn off the internet like everyone else does.
Visits to the doctor are never pleasant. Being seen at your worst by a complete stranger is cruel and unusual punishment. Sitting on your back with your mouth wide open, teeth being scraped to death. Being weighed when you’d rather keep those extra pounds a secret. Having your breasts felt up, fondled mercilessly. Having your dark place inspected by a cold metal object and a gloved hand. For men, having your junk inspected while you turn and cough. For everyone in their 50s and older, being on your stomach and having an object go UP a place where crap things should only come DOWN.
I understand that, for health reasons, these things probably need to be done. But who grows up and decides that THIS is what they want to do? “When I grow up, I want to inspect people’s assholes colons!” “When I grow up, I want to be a down there doctor! I want to look at them all day!” I’m not trying to ridicule these professions. I know someone has to do it, but I just can’t imagine actually wanting to. Why would a straight woman want to look at vaginas all day long? A straight man WOULD want to look at vaginas all day, and that’s highly disturbing, don’t you think?
I’m onto you, doctors. I know what you really want out of that high-paying job. I know that you don’t really want to keep us healthy. It’s all about free porn. The lengths people will go to for free porn is just sickening. Shame on you, doctor, shame on you.
Omg, did you hear? Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again, and Amanda Bynes is hot on her trail. Drugs, wreckless driving, jail time, rinse and repeat. It’s like Charlie Sheen only younger and with breasts. Oh, I’m sorry, do you not care? Yeah, me neither. “So and so broke up and so and so is in jail again and so and so is doing drugs and so and so made a sex tape and now she’s super popular.” We’ve heard it all before, E! News, so please kindly suck it.
The regular news sucks balls as it is. Why do we need to have a separate news channel just for celebrities? Why are people so interested in the lives of the rich and the wasted? I think we have enough problems of our own, such as… Hm, if I buy that dresser, can I still afford that house? Should I be worried about global warming? Is E.L. James aware how many people wish they could strangle her with a riding crop? What should I wear to work today? What is that smell? And other more pressing issues.
Enough with the celebrity hoopla and enough with the makes-you-want-to-slit-your-wrists news. “So and so robbed an old lady and so and so beat up a store clerk and so and so shot 5 people and this world is absolute crap.” Bring back the stories about dogs saving their owners from death, babies with super-human strength, talking donkeys and flying pigs. Those are the things we want to hear about. Bring back rainbows and sunshine, damnit! Is that too much to ask?
In other news, it’s Monday and summer’s over and it’s cold and I don’t like it and I’m in denial and I don’t want to start wearing a coat and I’m just gonna sit on the couch all day wrapped up in a blanket and write a nice, long run-on sentence…and how’s that for pointless news.
There is a right way and a wrong way to use Facebook. The right way is to keep in touch with family and friends, and share pictures occasionally. The wrong way is to post pictures of your underwear collection (or of yourself IN underwear), update your status every 5 minutes and #writelikethis, and the absolute worst way…is starting drama. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be judgmental. After all, the Facebook users who cause drama can be quite entertaining.
One of my Facebook “friends” has a lot of drama in his life. He has deactivated his Facebook account several times in the past, trying to get away from it all. He thinks drama is attracted to him, but the truth is, HE’S the one starting it. Almost two years ago, I noticed that he was in a relationship with this girl who looked young and stupid in love. Then I noticed a few interesting posts on his wall from a DIFFERENT girl. Naturally, I checked out the new girl’s profile and saw that she was “in a relationship.” Then I noticed that my “friend” was posting lovey-dovey things on her wall. So I was like, “Oh no, he didn’t! He’s dating two girls at the same time!” I found this highly entertaining and sad. His “official” girlfriend was posting stuff about how everyone was judging her boyfriend, but she loved him no matter what they said. YAWN. The “homewrecker” girl was talking shit and leaving sexy little comments on the guy’s pictures. Way to be obvious.
One day, I stumbled upon his profile and realized he had changed his status to “in a relationship” and had removed the “official” girlfriend’s name. UH-OH. If I remember correctly, the “official” girlfriend’s status had changed to “engaged” and had his name listed. “Engaged, what the F? When did this happen?” So she was still oblivious at that point. Eventually, my “friend” and “homewrecker” girl publicly acknowledged their relationship by tagging each other in their relationship status. The “official” girlfriend was officially dumped and broken-hearted. The new couple filled each other’s walls with crap posts and crap pictures. And sure enough, a few weeks later, they were over. So sad.
Then about a year ago, my “friend” found himself a new girl. She seemed just as naïve as the other two. (All the girls were a few years younger than he was.) This new girl wrote on his wall EVERY DAY, sharing with the WHOLE WORLD how much she loved him, how they were meant to be, how the haters could just shut up because they were NEVER going to break them up, blah-blah-blah. If you need to declare your love PUBLICLY on Facebook, there’s obviously something wrong with your relationship. They took A MILLION pictures together, and it was SO CUTE…gag me. There was plenty of drama for a while, haters talking shit, the couple defending their super serious, super special 3-month long relationship. Suddenly, all was quiet because he had deactivated his Facebook account again.
He reappeared about a month ago, and to my surprise, they were still together. Even more to my surprise, he posted a picture of a newborn baby…his son. “When the hell did that happen? I feel so lost.” I didn’t think they’d been together long enough to have had a baby. That’s when I discovered a picture of his new girlfriend with a baby bump. A NEW baby bump, as she was currently three months pregnant. Obviously, the newborn baby was not hers because she couldn’t possibly be three months pregnant if she had JUST given birth. I was shocked, but not really. I was impressed that they were still together, after he fathered a son with another “woman.” She was still writing about how much she loved him and how happy they were to be expecting a child. AWWW. Too bad this wasn’t a first for him.
Back to present day. Yesterday, I noticed a post from my “friend” stating that he’s sick of all the drama and will be deleting his Facebook account AGAIN. So I rolled my eyes and wondered, “What happened this time?” I know I shouldn’t care but I immediately checked out his profile. It turns out that he’s no longer in a relationship or Facebook friends with this poor pregnant girl, but I have no idea when or why that happened. I backtracked and noticed another girl (not the one who recently had his baby either) posting on his wall. She was being MORE THAN OBVIOUS about the fact that she was currently WITH HIM. So I thought, “OMG, what is wrong with you people? And why do I care?” But I clicked on her name anyway to check things out. Sure enough, she was listed as being “in a relationship” and I’m sure it’s with him. I also noticed a link that her best friend had posted, and was shocked when I saw who it was. Her best friend is the “homewrecker” from the beginning of this crazy story! Are you as shocked as I am? Of course not, you don’t give a shit.
I guess if I HAVE TO make a point, it’s that people need to be a little more careful with the shit they share on Facebook. I should not have had the opportunity to be so entertained by all that dating drama. If you’re gonna be a lying, cheating, two-timing scumbag, try to be a little less obvious about it. Maybe date ONE person at a time, preferably someone your own age, and you might want to consider wrapping up your tool so you don’t end up with a THIRD child. And don’t bitch about drama following you everywhere you go if YOU’RE the one starting it. Try keeping a low profile. That, my friends, would be the correct way to use Facebook.
If the person I’m writing about happens to google something that leads him to this post, I am SO very sorry. But nobody here knows who you are, what your name is, or what you look like. So, you know, it’s not so bad, right?
If you have Optimum and you watch TV as often as I do, you’ve probably gone blind you’ve probably noticed a commercial advertising their new logo. There’s even an article on it, so you can tell this is a big deal. “Our new logo and branding campaign reflects our commitment to honesty, transparency, the quality of the services we provide and – importantly – how we interact with our customers.” I absolutely agree with that statement. The old logo was dishonest and showed absolutely no commitment. It made me feel cheated.
“It reflects a cleaner and much more simplified approach to design, unencumbered by extraneous visual elements.” All I can say is THANK HEAVENS for this simplified and wonderful logo. Now I can finally enjoy my overpriced cable without those extraneuous visual elements getting in the way. I often lost sleep thinking, why? Why is the Optimum logo so extraneous? How can I focus on anything when I’m constantly plagued by this unsatisfying logo?
“We’re excited to help more people appreciate Optimum’s potency and for them to connect to the brand.” That’s so sweet, I think I might cry. I adore Optimum’s potency. This logo is everything I dreamed it could be and so much more. “Simplicity gets rid of the complicated and replaces it with clarity.” Finally, some clarity! Seriously, take a look at the old logo; it confused the shit out of me.
OMG, stop the madness. I just want a logo I can UNDERSTAND.
Better get ready, because here comes more bullshit. (I hope you weren’t oblivious to the sarcastic tone I was using this whole time.) The article claims that the new logo “was produced by Collins.” PRODUCED? It’s a fucking word in a fucking lame-ass font followed by a fucking lame-ass colored dot. I can produce that kind of shit too. optimum. You can tell I invested a lot of time in that, right? I typed it out, and then I decided the “o” should be lowercase, and then I changed the font and added a little color, and LOOK, that took all of 5 seconds. That will be one million dollars, please.
If any of you are currently Verizon, Comcast, Dish or DirectTV customers, what are you waiting for? This is the perfect time to switch over to Optimum. Don’t do it for your family’s entertainment. Don’t do it because you have no choice. Do it for THE LOGO. It’s a work of art that deserves to be praised. If you’re already an Optimum customer, then hold your head up high and pat yourself on the back. You’re a genius for choosing an ingenious company with an ingenious logo. Finally, I can have a peaceful night’s sleep knowing that all is well in the world. Thank you, Optimum. I love you in all your colors.
So artistic.
~Lily~
(Did you watch the commercial? It’s great. The general message is: Here’s our new logo, but you’re still getting the same crappy service. Check out their website too. Each time you visit the site, the dot changes colors. AMAZING.)
The following is a continuation of an older post called Stalker Much. Check it out, and maybe this post will make more sense…but, maybe not. I wrote this just for fun. I do that sometimes. Happy Friday!
~Lily~
~*~*~*~*~
Hi John!
I hope you’re doing well. It’s upsetting that I only get to talk to you in my dreams. You never responded to my e-mail so I figured, maybe he doesn’t check his e-mail, but he must check his Facebook messages! Sadly, your account seems to have been deactivated. It must be a fluke or something. However, stalkers are persistent I just happened to know your address, so I thought, why not mail him a letter!Either that or sneak in and show up naked in your tub. Writing letters is like, all old fashioned and romantic. I just know you’ll be excited to read this. I love you. As I write this, I can picture you opening your mail, and smiling when you see the letter is from me, Layla. Your dream lover. I know you can’t respond to me in real time, but how are you? I haven’t seen you at the gym or the office or the grocery store or the library or the bar, and honestly, I’m starting to think you’re avoiding me. Hahaha! I love you. But I’m probably just letting my imagination go wild. Oh, and does it go wild…if you only knew. It’s dark. There are candles and Hershey’s Kisses around a heart shaped bed. There’s me, bathed in chocolate syrup and wearing…absolutely nothing. There’s you, naked, sexy and hard in all the right places. I love that birthmark on your hip, it’s adorable. I lick my fingers and begin to touch…
Oh, no, no, no! I can only give you a sneak peak. If you want to find out how this ends, you’re gonna have to stop hiding from me! I hope I’m not being too forward. I mean, yes, I want to have your children, like five of them but first, I want to have fun just practicing. I know that all we shared was a dance and so much more in my head, but it’s not like you would just dance with ANY woman. It obviously meant as much to you as it did to me. Right? Or I’ll just die. So, call me or write me or e-mail me or Facebook me or come see me and please marry me some day soon. I promise we can go slow. We’ll go out on a date, make love ‘til I can’t see straight, and then we’ll wait at least two weeks to get married. Our children would be beautiful. You are so beautiful, a beautiful stranger but you know, when it feels right, it’s right. And in a psycho’s mind, you’re always right. I love you. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not crazy. Please keep my feelings in mind when deciding whether or not to get back to me. Obviously, the choice is yours, but just don’t make the wrong one. I own 10 daggers, 5 butterfly knives and 5 machetes. Oh, and a revolver, a shotgun, and a rifle. Just thought you should know. But don’t worry, the serial numbers have all been “removed.”
Since I have nothing better to do, I decided to analyze something not worth analyzing. I’m going to answer nobody’s unasked question about why certain animals exist. That’s right, nobody asked and nobody cares, but I’m going to enlighten you anyway. That’s what’s so lame great about me, I’m such a giver. It’s possible that I’ve lost my mind. This year I have read the 50 Shades of Utter Crap trilogy, I got laid off (meaning I no longer have to THINK for a living), and I’m watching the Bachelor Pad of Douche Bags. So, you know, there are NO MORE brain cells left in my poor head. Isn’t that sad?
We exist because, duh, we are adorable.
~*~*~*~*~
BIRDS: To teach us not to obsess over material things. They accomplish this by pooping all over your car. They are especially attracted to shiny, just washed cars. However, they do not discriminate based on manufacturer, shape or size.
BUGS: They serve three purposes. One, if you’re feeling small, don’t fret, you will always be bigger than a bug. Two, to remind you that life is short. Three, to creep you out.
CATS: To help people feel less lonely. No friends, no boyfriend? Do you have a cat? Oh, 5 of them? Then all is well.
CHICKENS: These poor creatures can never cross the road without being questioned about their motives. You can (probably) leave the house whenever you want and go wherever you please. You are so damn lucky.
DEER: To remind us to slow the fuck down. Sadly, many deer are slaughtered injured in the process of delivering this message.
DOGS: To keep you company when no one else will. And when your friends turn their backs on you after that really stupid thing you did, don’t worry…a dog will never judge you.
FISH: To remind us how fortunate we are. Every time you look at a fish trapped in a super tiny bowl, just remember, your life isn’t THAT bad. And you can feed yourself. And air won’t kill you.
GIRAFFES: Were you made fun of for being tall and skinny? Just think of what that poor giraffe has to go through. Feel better?
PIGS: If people think you smell awful and that your home is unsanitary, just stand next to a pig. No one will ever judge you again.
SNAKES: You were most likely born with two arms and two legs. Snakes, not so much. God must like you. Don’t you feel blessed?
SQUIRRELS: This one’s more for the men. Squirrels love nuts just as much as men do. But squirrels store their nuts for when they REALLY need them, thus ensuring their survival. Men, take note…hide your junk nuts.
TURTLES: Do people often call you a slowpoke? Just remember, no matter how slow people say you are, turtles will always be slower. Except that one time, in that book…
~*~*~*~*~
Ew, get off me.
So yeah, animals are around to help us feel better, in case you were wondering.
Do you know what drives me crazy about ShopRite (supermarket)? The fact that, for some strange reason, lots of other people go there too. People who wander aimlessly aisle after aisle because they didn’t bring a list. People who own shares in ShopRite stock, and are therefore allowed to leave their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle. People who block the entrance to an aisle, wondering where to go, while I give them the evil eye. People who stop and chit-chat while I’m trying to maneuver around them with a heavy, slightly damaged, and very squeaky shopping cart. People who unload their carts very slowly, because hey, I have all day here. People who hold up the line because they’re waiting for their mother, who has a separate order, and apparently it never occurred to them to tell the cashier to just start ringing them up. People who insist on paying with a check. (Really? If you’re so against credit cards, then try CASH.) People who distract the cashier by talking about the weather and their LIFE. (No one cares, so move your ass. ShopRite is not a place to socialize.)
I’m a woman on a mission, I don’t like slowpokes, and I HATE food shopping. Just once, I’d like to go to ShopRite without having to wait, free to zip through the aisles without being slowed down by age-challenged people. And just once, I’d like to find an empty register, unload and pay, and get the bleep out of there. Not that the fun stops there…why would it? The parking lot is rather small, so when it’s crowded, it’s SUPER FUN maneuvering your shopping cart between cars and trying to find your own. I had parked near the end, where there were a few empty spots in a row, so no one would be next to me. Now all of a sudden, there’s a car to my left, to my right, behind me, and a cement post somewhere in between that mess. How the hell do I get through to the trunk? I love this place.
Then I get home and realize that I’m a woman, and I can’t possibly carry all the groceries in one trip. So I curse myself for being such a good girlfriend and going to ShopRite all by myself while my boyfriend’s working hard. I tell myself that next time, no matter how tired he is, he’s gonna come with me, push the shopping cart, and carry 80% of the groceries. Pretending to be strong, I grab all the bags, four on each arm. About 10 seconds later, I realize the bag handles have twisted and are digging into my wrists, so I walk/run the rest of the way, while the bags get heavier and heavier. Then I get to the door and realize I have no hands left to grab the keys, so I untwist and release the bags, breathe a sigh of relief, and open the FIRST door…then I curse the fact that there’s a SECOND door. I manage to bring in the bags a few at a time. Then, I go back outside because DUH, why would I be done? There’s a 20 lb bag of rice, and a 15 lb box of Snapple Juice Drinks. (Stupid glass bottles.) It’s impossible to carry both things at once, so after my third trip back and forth, I finally get everything inside. But hey, that’s okay, I was anticipating four trips.
I mean really, I was just asking for trouble. Why would ShopRite be empty at 3pm on a Monday? Who am I to assume that people have jobs and better things to do on a Monday afternoon? And really, what was I thinking getting everything on my list, knowing that there would be heavy items? I should have split my list between two days. Honestly, I’m such a fool. But just to play it safe, next time I’ll put on a green wig, dark sunglasses, and I’ll bathe myself in onions. You just watch how quickly people clear the aisles.
As an animal lover, I’ve come to a very difficult, painful conclusion: I hate birds. I’ve never really felt hatred towards any animal, and I’m very sorry to have to admit this. But birds do evil things to cars, and I’m sick of it. For the most part, we leave birds in peace. Sometimes, we even hang bird feeders for them. How do they repay us? By shitting on our cars. No, it’s not just disgusting, it’s damaging. Bird poop ruins the paint. And let’s not forget their tiny CLAWS digging into the car. They are pure evil. You can’t possibly wash your car every time there’s bird poop; that’s expensive. And living in an apartment, you can’t just wash your car in the parking lot. So I’m forced to spit on a napkin and wipe my car whenever I notice poop. I’m sure the neighbors think I’m perfectly sane.
I was staring outside the kitchen window the other day, and all of a sudden I saw a flock of little birds (about 10 of them) fly from a tree directly to MY car. There were a dozen other cars in the parking lot, but no, they chose mine. Apparently those little suckers have great taste. So, like a crazy person, I went to grab my car key and headed towards the dining room window, where I had a better view of my car. I was hoping the sound of the car unlocking/locking would scare them away…it didn’t. So I opened the window, forgot it was the broken one, and it immediately slammed back down, very loudly. Well, that scared them away. After that, I kept watching for them every time I walked past the window, like a crazy bird lady. Stupid birds.
But you know, birds are actually smarter than you might think. A couple weeks ago, my dad went outside to clean bird poop off his car. He was just about done when he felt something wet on his head. He reached up, wiped at the moisture, and realized a bird had just pooped on his head. If that’s not the definition of (situational) IRONY, I don’t know what is. That bird was like, “How rude, you thought you could just get rid of my poop art? I’ll show you!” *Poop* I’m telling you, birds are sneaky little devils, so watch out.
On an unrelated note, today is my mom’s birthday.Happy Birthday, Mom!(She’s the only person in my family who reads my blog.) I’m sorry today’s post was about bird poop, but you understand my feelings on this subject, don’t you? Love you! Now that I have a blog, I’m going to have to start writing down some of the funny things my family says. There have been quite a few LOL moments in the past; too bad my memory SUCKS. I will share one example though, since this was fairly recent, and my mom and I both got a laugh out of it.
~*~*~*~
MOM: Your dad bought grapes, if you’re hungry. Nobody’s eating them.
ME: Are they the good kind? Giovanni always buys the giant ones, I hate those.
MOM: Oh yeah, these are small. You know, thebonelessones.
The following is satire. So…don’t call the cops. If you have no sense of humor, the door is to your left.
photo credit: sohmer.net
I am so proud to be an American. And when I say proud, I mean super proud. Could not be more proud! *Beaming with pride* See?
What is there NOT to love about this amazing country? We started off as egotistical and unwelcoming, and doggonit, we’ve stuck to our guns! We’re nothing if not consistent. Growth is for spineless losers. We didn’t allow immigrants back then and we don’t allow them now! So what if all Americans are technically immigrants? The point is, we got here first! “Finders, keepers…losers, weepers.” – George Washington1
We didn’t like colored folk back then, and what do you know, that hasn’t changed! We make sure our old-timers pass down these wonderful values to their children and grandchildren, so that hatred will never die. So what if millions of Americans2 are obsessed with tanning in the hopes of changing their skin color. That’s not hypocritical, it’s our prerogative. But we’re still not crazy about those natural colored folk who don’t need to tan, no siree!
We were homophobic3 then, and we still are today! What kind of message would we be sending if we all of a sudden opened our hearts and minds, and started accepting gays? After hundreds of years, how could we just start making progress like that? Oh no, America would never do that to you. America doesn’t like change, and isn’t that just so refreshing? Aren’t we all breathing a collective sigh of relief?
America brings you many great things. RIGHTS! We love rights, don’t we? We are slowly but surely taking some back, but not all of them. Everything we do is in your best interest, not our own. There’s talk that we try to control everything but that couldn’t be further from the truth. After all, you still have the right to freedom of speech! Isn’t that most important? Just, you know, don’t cause a scene. Don’t give your opinion unless asked to. Otherwise, speech away!
There’s just ONE thing we need you to do in return for all the wonder that is America4. We need you to work hard. Easy enough, right? Just work hard, all the while sacrificing your free time, and struggle, struggle, struggle! We want you to work so hard, you won’t even notice the money going from your pocket to ours. Like a magic trick! That’s all we ask. And just when you think you’ve paid your dues, don’t worry! We’ll find a new excuse to squeeze out every last penny. It’s so easy to come up with bullshit taxes anyway, how else would we spend our time? Fighting hunger, keeping the streets safe? Haha, don’t be absurd.
Ain’t it grand? Just breathing in this polluted air fills me with happiness and pride. Don’t you feel it? Isn’t it contagious? “America! America! God shed His grace on thee!” And crown thy pocket with lots of money, all of it just for me!
~Lily~
1. This was obviously a joke…you got that, right? I’m pretty sure George Washington didn’t coin that phrase. 2. I don’t have an accurate number, but I’m pretty sure I’m close. 3. For the record, I am not racist or homophobic. In case that wasn’t clear, in which case, I should stop writing satires. 4. While America is flawed, I wouldn’t say I HATE it. So, don’t sue me, okay?
~Don't Quote Lily~ 