Sir, Did You Just Touch Your Penis?

I don’t particularly like shaking people’s hands. Especially people of the masculine, penis-wielding persuasion. See, believe it or not, there are still people who find it unnecessary to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Can’t fathom how anyone could be that ignorant/disgusting/stupid. Not washing your hands is never okay, but it’s somewhat forgivable for a woman. Usually, there is no need for a woman to actually touch her vagina during urination; that’s what toilet paper is for. And if a woman gets splash-back on her hands, surely good hand-washing would ensue, as women are generally disgusted by splash-back. Men, on the other hand, must always grasp their penis. Not properly grasping their penis would result in an inconceivable amount of splash-back. So, considering that men must always touch their penis, and factoring in how many men couldn’t care less about hygiene, how can one be comfortable shaking their penis-ridden hand? “Excuse me, sir, but did you just touch your penis? You’ll have to excuse me, but I would rather not shake your penis until I’ve gotten the chance to know you.” And truthfully, after getting to know the guy, you’d probably be even less inclined to shake their penis. Heaven knows where it’s been. That’s the truth, from my brain to your fortunate eyes.

P.S. I wanted to see how many times I could mention the word “penis” while still raising a valid point. I think I rose to the occasion. Pun intended. (I hope I didn’t offend any of you. I’ve been having so much trouble writing, that when this thought popped into my head, there was no way I could turn it down.)



26 thoughts on “Sir, Did You Just Touch Your Penis?

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  1. I just returned home after a quick trip to the grocery store. After reading your post I remembered shaking hands with an acquaintance I met there. I’d like to comment further but I feel a serious need to wash my hands and sanitize my entire body. Thank you so much. LOL

  2. Very funny. Me and my penis salute you, although be sure to duck when we do so! I don’t particularly like shaking hands either but for different reasons, maybe someone has been eating or has accidentally sneezed on themselves or their palms are icky and sweaty, ugh! I will high-five someone though without a thought – can’t leave them hanging!

    1. Glad you enjoyed! You’re right, I dislike hand-shaking for those reasons too…but it was much funnier to say the word penis as many times as possible in just one paragraph… 😀

  3. It’s funny, when I used to work in retail I was encouraging my employees to shake hands with the folks they talked to. It’s usually a pretty good ice breaker and a way to get a person’s name and still make things feel natural. I was surprised when the guys balked at it….until these guys came walking into my department, one of them with his hand deeply embedded inside his pants doing heaven only knows what, though the motions may have been of a stroking variety. My eyes widened. I looked up at my employee standing next to me and shook my head. His response? “See! That’s why I don’t like to shake hands.” LOLOL!

    1. LOL!! Hand shaking can never be the same. I can’t believe that guy just blatantly had his hand in his pants. Some people, wow. I think for my sanity, I’d rather not shake hands unless I absolutely have to. Good thing for hand sanitizer. 😀

  4. I don’t think I’ll ever look at hand shaking the same again, especially if the person offering their hand is male…… And from what I’ve heard from male acquaintances, apparently nearly half of all males who use the restroom come and go without washing their hands. *shudder*

  5. LOL! I love this 😀 I remember when my hubby met my daughter’s boyfriend for the first time. He’d just come out of the toilet and hubby said ‘did you wash your hands?’ before he’d shake hands with him. Yes – it was an embarrassing moment…

  6. Well, I truly believe that you probably broke some kind of record for the maximum amount of times the word penis can be used in one paragraph.


    And I’m with you on that touching of other people for any reason. All those germy germs from wherever they might have touched is just no bueno, gracias! 😉

    1. Way too much penis for one paragraph! I could probably top it if I tried though… 😉

      Yeah, germs are no bueno, indeed! Especially down-there germs, lol. EWW. No hand-shaking, thank you.

  7. Penis. Just thinking here. Penis. What if my penis is actually cleaner than my hands? Penis. And no, I’m not one of those public pubic touchers. Penis. My wife asked me why guys constantly have to adjust. Penis. She was wondering, because I dont. Penis. The answer is simple. Penis. A longer penis will hang and stay where you put it. Penis. Next time you see someone doing the “adjust” or “grab”, think to yourself this: short and stubby. Penis.

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