Okay, ABC. I bet you think your shows are awesome. They probably make you tons of money too. Well, I just wanted to thank you for creating The Bachelor and all those wonderful spin-off shows that make me ashamed to be human. Nicely done! It’s kind of weird, because I’m sure the people are real, but everything just seems so….fake. Hmm. I guess that’s a prerequisite for reality TV shows. You can’t have reality without a little bullshit fiction, am I right?
It’s amazing how natural you make everything look. I almost believe that I should have a row of guys waiting for me, dressed in nice suits…or armor, sweating it out for the sake of a rose. Every guy’s dream come true. It looks so natural when the bachelor(ette) is standing there, sighing heavily, looking down a lot, building the tension before giving away the final rose. Epic. Just look at all those men fighting for one women’s attention. Do you see how excited they get when she walks away, and comes back with a little rose for them? So natural. Real life should totally work that way. Tell me, is there a script? There has to be, because I can’t believe the shit that comes out of those people’s mouths. Priceless, really. Or better yet, it’s epic. Because the word epic is totally appropriate for a bullshit TV show. I’ve even come to forget what that word actually means. I showered all by myself this morning and it was epic.
Young girls everywhere used to dream of falling in love with their high school sweetheart and getting married. Now young girls get to dream of growing up and being on The Bachelor. Better yet, they can aim higher and dream of being on The Bachelorette. Why fight for one guy when 25 guys can fight for YOU? Talk about a dream come true. Honestly, America owes you so much, ABC. I don’t even want to think about falling in love with a guy unless 25 other women are competing for his love, or 25 men are lining up for me in the hopes of building a collection of tiny roses. And if that doesn’t work out, because, let’s face it, it never does, then I can join a whole bunch of other lonely castmates for a chance to
bring shame to my family win $250,000. Righteous! Normal relationships are just so boring. Thanks for that. No, really, thank you. You make this world a better place.