Useless Tips And Tricks

Here are some tips and tricks I just KNOW you can’t live without. OR…here’s my pathetic attempt at covering up that I have absolutely nothing to write about today. Umm…yup.

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Keep your cheeks clenched at all times: Ladies, I’m sure we all lose several strands of hair every time we shampoo. Some of those strands tend to slide down your back and through your crack. Proper cheek clenching can prevent this unpleasant situation.

Eat 5 grapes for each piece of candy or junk food: This is the perfect balance based on a fictitious study done by no one. You’ll never feel guilty about eating candy/junk food again. If you don’t have grapes, any kind of fruit will do. If you eat a whole apple, you can get away with eating an entire bag of chips.

Never fight with your spouse again: I know what you’re thinking…impossible! Here’s the solution. Anytime your spouse says something that pisses you the F off, do math! Try to recite a few multiplication tables, and you’ll soon forget why you were mad.

Headaches can get you out of doing almost anything: It’s not always easy pretending to be sick. Headaches are much easier to fake and can get you out of cooking, cleaning, working, sex…almost anything.

Life is short, so don’t waste it by cleaning: Now, I’m not saying to live like a pig. But cleaning is hard work and it’s a thankless job. If you clean too often, you’ll get depressed. Unless you can no longer tell what color your floors are, it’s not so serious. So relax.

We’re all going to die anyway, so don’t exercise too hard: If you really like exercising, go for it. But if you’re doing it because you think you have to, stop! Exercising doesn’t make people immortal. You will die one day. If you exercise too much, you might die sooner. Think about that.

If one boob is slightly bigger than the other, compensate by leaning: They say no human body is perfectly proportional, so don’t feel bad. If you lean a little, no one ever has to know which boob is smaller. As for men and certain down-there sacks, leaning won’t work for you. So sad.

If you get pulled over, be annoying: Be careful to be annoying but NOT obnoxious. This is a very fine line. If you’re annoying enough, they’ll let you go just to get you to shut up. It’s practically foolproof. Unless you wind up in jail, in which case…oops.

Understand that not all advice can be considered useful: This may or may not be one of those times. If you realized that, then you’re on the right track.

~Lily~

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23 thoughts on “Useless Tips And Tricks

  1. I had to read the cheek one twice. The first time, I was distracted by food and so was like, clench my cheeks? That makes no sense. And then I was like, oh THOSE cheeks. Hahaha you never fail to crack me up. Also, I agree with Byronic Man. “Migraine” is so overused now as an excuse.

  2. I am going to use that grape to chocolate ratio study from now on in all of my junk food binges. But what if I eat the bag of chips first and am too full to eat the apple? It’s the thought that counts, right? 😉

  3. Brilliant pieces of advice that are not heard nearly often enough. I’m right with you on the exercise. What if your heart only has a certain number of beats allocated to it. Now you speed up the beats with exercise and die earlier. What a waste!

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