Useless Tips And Tricks

Here are some tips and tricks I just KNOW you can’t live without. OR…here’s my pathetic attempt at covering up that I have absolutely nothing to write about today. Umm…yup.

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Keep your cheeks clenched at all times: Ladies, I’m sure we all lose several strands of hair every time we shampoo. Some of those strands tend to slide down your back and through your crack. Proper cheek clenching can prevent this unpleasant situation.

Eat 5 grapes for each piece of candy or junk food: This is the perfect balance based on a fictitious study done by no one. You’ll never feel guilty about eating candy/junk food again. If you don’t have grapes, any kind of fruit will do. If you eat a whole apple, you can get away with eating an entire bag of chips.

Never fight with your spouse again: I know what you’re thinking…impossible! Here’s the solution. Anytime your spouse says something that pisses you the F off, do math! Try to recite a few multiplication tables, and you’ll soon forget why you were mad.

Headaches can get you out of doing almost anything: It’s not always easy pretending to be sick. Headaches are much easier to fake and can get you out of cooking, cleaning, working, sex…almost anything.

Life is short, so don’t waste it by cleaning: Now, I’m not saying to live like a pig. But cleaning is hard work and it’s a thankless job. If you clean too often, you’ll get depressed. Unless you can no longer tell what color your floors are, it’s not so serious. So relax.

We’re all going to die anyway, so don’t exercise too hard: If you really like exercising, go for it. But if you’re doing it because you think you have to, stop! Exercising doesn’t make people immortal. You will die one day. If you exercise too much, you might die sooner. Think about that.

If one boob is slightly bigger than the other, compensate by leaning: They say no human body is perfectly proportional, so don’t feel bad. If you lean a little, no one ever has to know which boob is smaller. As for men and certain down-there sacks, leaning won’t work for you. So sad.

If you get pulled over, be annoying: Be careful to be annoying but NOT obnoxious. This is a very fine line. If you’re annoying enough, they’ll let you go just to get you to shut up. It’s practically foolproof. Unless you wind up in jail, in which case…oops.

Understand that not all advice can be considered useful: This may or may not be one of those times. If you realized that, then you’re on the right track.

~Lily~