It’s official, I’m a bug magnet. I am always, ALWAYS the first one to notice if there’s a bug in the room. I don’t know…I figure God knows just how much I love bugs, so he always puts them in my path. You know, it’s that whole God-has-a-sense-of-humor thing. We all know cockroaches exist, and that they will never, ever die. Well, in Puerto Rico, they exist a lot. They’re also a lot bigger here. A good two inches long. There are small ones here too, but big or small, a roach is a roach. Unfortunately, the small ones always manage to get into houses through the shower drain. Around midnight on Friday morning, I woke up to use the bathroom. I sat myself down on the toilet when something caught my eye. Oh okay, it’s just a roach. No big deal. Oh wait, yes it is. *Cue silent screaming* It was just outside the shower. Just as I was about to get up, the little sucker moved and hid behind the hamper. I left to get a heavier shoe to squish it with. That’s when I saw the second roach in the room across from ours. Great, just great. There’s an army of them. I thought I squished it, but I didn’t want to move the shoe, so I just left it there. (When I checked later in the day, there was nothing under the shoe. Drats.) I went back to the bathroom, but the roach was too fast for me. It escaped and hid under an end table with a super long table cloth on it. I lifted the table cloth to see if it would run out, but it didn’t. I hesitantly went back to my room, feeling extremely paranoid. I stared at the floor for a good five minutes, but eventually, I gave up and fell asleep.
Fast forward to Friday night. I had left the bedroom door closed while I was in the living room watching TV. As if a roach couldn’t get through a closed door. I went to grab something from my room, and when I opened the door, there was a fucking roach right at the entrance. See what I mean about God’s sense of humor? Of all the rooms, it had to be this one. I managed to squish it just before it ran out the door. I made sure I heard the crunch this time. (Are you totally grossed out yet?) I knew there was still at least one other roach running around, but I was happy to have at least murdered one of them. When it was time for bed, I checked the floors to make sure I didn’t see any roaches before drifting off to sleep. I woke up at 2am for a bathroom run. I grabbed my phone (it has a flashlight) and walked very carefully. Satisfied that I was alone, I opened the door. I turned around to shut the door and guess what? YEAH, seriously…the other roach was ON the door. I don’t know if Raid actually kills these things, but it definitely doesn’t prevent them from coming in, because I had sprayed that shit all around the door. Anyway, God was being generous this time because the little sucker was running across the door, and despite being half asleep, I timed it perfectly so that I shut the door just as it was on the edge. Crunch, crunch. I pulled the bedroom door towards me several times, to make sure I killed it dead. I grabbed some toilet paper, eased the door open, and removed the carcass from the door frame. Then I surveyed my surroundings, praying that there really were only TWO roaches.
You see what I mean, right? Two different days, waking up at two different times, and both times, I would run into these roaches? What…the…fuck??? And why must this happen when I’m trying to get some sleep? It’s really hard to sleep when you have BUGS on the brain. Anyway, now that I’ve successfully grossed you out, I think it’s time to end this post. I really hope I don’t see another roach inside this house for the remainder of my time here. You’ll pray for me, won’t you? And if I do have the misfortune of seeing one, I hope that I can kill it quickly. As a precaution, before going to bed, I’ll be putting a bottle of shampoo over the shower drain, in the hopes that no more roaches will get through. They’re not strong enough to move the shampoo bottle, right? Right? Hmph.