Omg, did you hear? Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again, and Amanda Bynes is hot on her trail. Drugs, wreckless driving, jail time, rinse and repeat. It’s like Charlie Sheen only younger and with breasts. Oh, I’m sorry, do you not care? Yeah, me neither. “So and so broke up and so and so is in jail again and so and so is doing drugs and so and so made a sex tape and now she’s super popular.” We’ve heard it all before, E! News, so please kindly suck it.
The regular news sucks balls as it is. Why do we need to have a separate news channel just for celebrities? Why are people so interested in the lives of the rich and the wasted? I think we have enough problems of our own, such as… Hm, if I buy that dresser, can I still afford that house? Should I be worried about global warming? Is E.L. James aware how many people wish they could strangle her with a riding crop? What should I wear to work today? What is that smell? And other more pressing issues.
Enough with the celebrity hoopla and enough with the makes-you-want-to-slit-your-wrists news. “So and so robbed an old lady and so and so beat up a store clerk and so and so shot 5 people and this world is absolute crap.” Bring back the stories about dogs saving their owners from death, babies with super-human strength, talking donkeys and flying pigs. Those are the things we want to hear about. Bring back rainbows and sunshine, damnit! Is that too much to ask?
In other news, it’s Monday and summer’s over and it’s cold and I don’t like it and I’m in denial and I don’t want to start wearing a coat and I’m just gonna sit on the couch all day wrapped up in a blanket and write a nice, long run-on sentence…and how’s that for pointless news.