The Answer To That Question Nobody Asked

Since I have nothing better to do, I decided to analyze something not worth analyzing. I’m going to answer nobody’s unasked question about why certain animals exist. That’s right, nobody asked and nobody cares, but I’m going to enlighten you anyway. That’s what’s so lame great about me, I’m such a giver. It’s possible that I’ve lost my mind. This year I have read the 50 Shades of Utter Crap trilogy, I got laid off (meaning I no longer have to THINK for a living), and I’m watching the Bachelor Pad of Douche Bags. So, you know, there are NO MORE brain cells left in my poor head. Isn’t that sad?

We exist because, duh, we are adorable.


BIRDS: To teach us not to obsess over material things. They accomplish this by pooping all over your car. They are especially attracted to shiny, just washed cars. However, they do not discriminate based on manufacturer, shape or size.

BUGS: They serve three purposes. One, if you’re feeling small, don’t fret, you will always be bigger than a bug. Two, to remind you that life is short. Three, to creep you out.

CATS: To help people feel less lonely. No friends, no boyfriend? Do you have a cat? Oh, 5 of them? Then all is well.

CHICKENS: These poor creatures can never cross the road without being questioned about their motives. You can (probably) leave the house whenever you want and go wherever you please. You are so damn lucky.

DEER: To remind us to slow the fuck down. Sadly, many deer are slaughtered injured in the process of delivering this message.

DOGS: To keep you company when no one else will. And when your friends turn their backs on you after that really stupid thing you did, don’t worry…a dog will never judge you.

FISH: To remind us how fortunate we are. Every time you look at a fish trapped in a super tiny bowl, just remember, your life isn’t THAT bad. And you can feed yourself. And air won’t kill you.

GIRAFFES: Were you made fun of for being tall and skinny? Just think of what that poor giraffe has to go through. Feel better?

PIGS: If people think you smell awful and that your home is unsanitary, just stand next to a pig. No one will ever judge you again.

SNAKES: You were most likely born with two arms and two legs. Snakes, not so much. God must like you. Don’t you feel blessed?

SQUIRRELS: This one’s more for the men. Squirrels love nuts just as much as men do. But squirrels store their nuts for when they REALLY need them, thus ensuring their survival. Men, take note…hide your junk nuts.

TURTLES: Do people often call you a slowpoke? Just remember, no matter how slow people say you are, turtles will always be slower. Except that one time, in that book…


Ew, get off me.

So yeah, animals are around to help us feel better, in case you were wondering.



24 thoughts on “The Answer To That Question Nobody Asked

  1. I’ve lost every battle I’ve ever had with the squirrels but my most important lesson was learned from a skunk. Don’t mess around with the wrong end of anything or anyone unless you mean business. I had to shave my head and wash with tomato juice for a week. Gotta love them animals.

    1. So funny you mention skunks. I had them on my original list but couldn’t think of a good enough reason why we need them, lol. That sounds awful…gross. I hope to never know first hand what you went through.

  2. You’re way to adorable and funny. Great post. Sorry you were laid off. I only made it though 1/2 of the first fifty shades and I had enough to make an entire satirical editorial. The menstruation pad (cough) bachelor pad is equivalent to poison to the brain.


    Lady or Not…Here I Come

    1. Adorable, me? 😳 Thanks, glad you enjoyed. It’s okay, I made peace with temporarily being unemployed, aka, getting paid to sit on the couch. Haha, menstruation pad, I like it. It’s definitely poison. Oh well, too late for those brain cells I lost. 😉

  3. I will admit that this is one question most people don’t ask but I never thought the answers were so interesting and entertaining! Thanks! 😉
    Also, I fully endorse laying about the house and watching trashy tv shows because you can but I draw the line at 50 Shades of Crap. Alas, you’ve already read them so what’s done is done I suppose. Just promise to never do it again. 😀

    1. Thanks, glad you found them entertaining! I obviously have nothing better to do with my time. 😀

      😳 I fully regret having read 50 Shades of Crap. My mom made me do it. (I wonder if she’s reading this right now.) But it’s okay, because I didn’t LOVE it like everyone else, so that makes me cool, right? 😀

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