Since I have nothing better to do, I decided to analyze something not worth analyzing. I’m going to answer nobody’s unasked question about why certain animals exist. That’s right, nobody asked and nobody cares, but I’m going to enlighten you anyway. That’s what’s so lame great about me, I’m such a giver. It’s possible that I’ve lost my mind. This year I have read the 50 Shades of Utter Crap trilogy, I got laid off (meaning I no longer have to THINK for a living), and I’m watching the Bachelor Pad of Douche Bags. So, you know, there are NO MORE brain cells left in my poor head. Isn’t that sad?
BIRDS: To teach us not to obsess over material things. They accomplish this by pooping all over your car. They are especially attracted to shiny, just washed cars. However, they do not discriminate based on manufacturer, shape or size.
BUGS: They serve three purposes. One, if you’re feeling small, don’t fret, you will always be bigger than a bug. Two, to remind you that life is short. Three, to creep you out.
CATS: To help people feel less lonely. No friends, no boyfriend? Do you have a cat? Oh, 5 of them? Then all is well.
CHICKENS: These poor creatures can never cross the road without being questioned about their motives. You can (probably) leave the house whenever you want and go wherever you please. You are so damn lucky.
DEER: To remind us to slow the fuck down. Sadly, many deer are slaughtered injured in the process of delivering this message.
DOGS: To keep you company when no one else will. And when your friends turn their backs on you after that really stupid thing you did, don’t worry…a dog will never judge you.
FISH: To remind us how fortunate we are. Every time you look at a fish trapped in a super tiny bowl, just remember, your life isn’t THAT bad. And you can feed yourself. And air won’t kill you.
GIRAFFES: Were you made fun of for being tall and skinny? Just think of what that poor giraffe has to go through. Feel better?
PIGS: If people think you smell awful and that your home is unsanitary, just stand next to a pig. No one will ever judge you again.
SNAKES: You were most likely born with two arms and two legs. Snakes, not so much. God must like you. Don’t you feel blessed?
SQUIRRELS: This one’s more for the men. Squirrels love nuts just as much as men do. But squirrels store their nuts for when they REALLY need them, thus ensuring their survival. Men, take note…hide your junk nuts.
TURTLES: Do people often call you a slowpoke? Just remember, no matter how slow people say you are, turtles will always be slower. Except that one time, in that book…
So yeah, animals are around to help us feel better, in case you were wondering.