Sneaky Birds, Family, And Grapes

As an animal lover, I’ve come to a very difficult, painful conclusion: I hate birds. I’ve never really felt hatred towards any animal, and I’m very sorry to have to admit this. But birds do evil things to cars, and I’m sick of it. For the most part, we leave birds in peace. Sometimes, we even hang bird feeders for them. How do they repay us? By shitting on our cars. No, it’s not just disgusting, it’s damaging. Bird poop ruins the paint. And let’s not forget their tiny CLAWS digging into the car. They are pure evil. You can’t possibly wash your car every time there’s bird poop; that’s expensive. And living in an apartment, you can’t just wash your car in the parking lot. So I’m forced to spit on a napkin and wipe my car whenever I notice poop. I’m sure the neighbors think I’m perfectly sane.

I was staring outside the kitchen window the other day, and all of a sudden I saw a flock of little birds (about 10 of them) fly from a tree directly to MY car. There were a dozen other cars in the parking lot, but no, they chose mine. Apparently those little suckers have great taste. So, like a crazy person, I went to grab my car key and headed towards the dining room window, where I had a better view of my car. I was hoping the sound of the car unlocking/locking would scare them away…it didn’t. So I opened the window, forgot it was the broken one, and it immediately slammed back down, very loudly. Well, that scared them away. After that, I kept watching for them every time I walked past the window, like a crazy bird lady. Stupid birds.

But you know, birds are actually smarter than you might think. A couple weeks ago, my dad went outside to clean bird poop off his car. He was just about done when he felt something wet on his head. He reached up, wiped at the moisture, and realized a bird had just pooped on his head. If that’s not the definition of (situational) IRONY, I don’t know what is. That bird was like, “How rude, you thought you could just get rid of my poop art? I’ll show you!” *Poop* I’m telling you, birds are sneaky little devils, so watch out.

On an unrelated note, today is my mom’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom! (She’s the only person in my family who reads my blog.) I’m sorry today’s post was about bird poop, but you understand my feelings on this subject, don’t you? Love you! Now that I have a blog, I’m going to have to start writing down some of the funny things my family says. There have been quite a few LOL moments in the past; too bad my memory SUCKS. I will share one example though, since this was fairly recent, and my mom and I both got a laugh out of it.


MOM: Your dad bought grapes, if you’re hungry. Nobody’s eating them.

ME: Are they the good kind? Giovanni always buys the giant ones, I hate those.

MOM: Oh yeah, these are small. You know, the boneless ones.


Happy Birthday, Mom and Happy Friday, all!



28 thoughts on “Sneaky Birds, Family, And Grapes

  1. Completely with you on the bird issue. We had a feeder in our backyard which turned our deck furnature into something that could only be used after a real hard rain. Now we do not have a feeder.
    Happy birthday mom of Lily!
    I’ll be looking for those boneless grapes. Sounds delicious.

    1. In the year 2011 I was pooped on no less than 3 times by birds. Two out of those three times, I was running on a city street — a moving target. Surely they aimed. The third time, I was near the ocean in South Boston, standing there with my parents in the middle of an empty parking lot – not a tree or a bird in sight. BAM out of thin air there appeared a fucking seagull, and it nailed me on both my hair AND my fleece sweatshirt. So, I feel your pain about hating birds. They’re assholes.

  2. Firstly, sorry to your Mom and to mine but I so understand the need to write about the insane things that family members say. In my case, they mostly come from my Mom – in a very similar fashion to what you described.

    Secondly, I’m afraid you are insane. You are, indeed, the first person to ever decide that birds are “evil”. 🙂

    1. Yup, you just gotta share those things sometimes. I don’t think my mom minds though. She laughs at herself all the time. I personally love when these things happen. 🙂

      Aw, come on, there’s gotta be someone out there who thinks birds are evil. Anyone? 😉

  3. Happy birthday to your mom :). I fear if I say anything about the birds they might poop on my car( not that they don’t do it already) or even worse poop on my head lol. Have a wonderful weekend!

  4. I walked out to my car the other day and it looked like 50 birds pooed on my car.. Yuck!!.. I like to watch them on National Geographic shows but hovering over my car, nope..
    Happy Birthday to your Mom 🙂

  5. One of my friends is convinced that those little poopers have pledged some sort of eternal pact to plague her (and her car) by pooping on them. You guys should get together and have a powwow on bird poop sometime. I myself have been fairly lucky not to have met with too many of these poop situations (knock on wood) so I guess I’m more at a neutral standoff with the birds.

    Also, I cracked up over your mom’s comment. Sounds a little like my little sister when she yelled at me for whipping her blanket in the air –> “Stop! You’re gonna break its bones!” 🙂

    1. Doesn’t surprise me, I really think birds are out to get certain people. It’s almost impossible to run over a bird, so what’s with their car hatred? 😉

      i’m definitely gonna have to keep track of the things my mom says, it’s always a good time. And hey, who would’ve thought grapes AND blankets have bones?! 😀

  6. If you’ve never read Sarah Vowell’s “Take the Cannoli,” you should. There’s an essay in it called “Species on Species Abuse” which details one of the creepy reasons birds are… creepy.

  7. Happy belate birthday to your mum! And ugh, I walked under a bridge once and pigeons manifest there, and a pigeon pooped on my shoulder, on my BRAND NEW coat. Until now everytime I walk under a bridge I always look up to see if there’s a bird so I avoid getting pooped on.

  8. Dear Lily, you are of course forgetting that bird poop is considered a good omen and a sign of incoming wealth. I would be curious to know the origin of this, as I imagine it began with someone important getting a pooey head and a lackey quickly assuring them that it was good luck.

    Why are pirates never depicted with waterfalls of white viscous shit down their backs? Is that why they can never find gold?

    1. Dear Chris, the bird poop/good luck thing is a load of crap, pun intended. Nothing spectacular has happened to my dad since the bird poop incident… I agree with you, probably someone rich and snooty got pooped on, and their friend had to calm them down by assuring them it would bring them luck. That idiot must have bought it and spread the word!

      Parrot poop doesn’t count, so no luck for the pirates.

  9. I “liked” this post, but I actually love birds. So much so that I fastened a goldfinch feeder to my front window so I can stare at them while I watch tv. God I’m lonely. But, I agree, their poop SUCKS. I feed them, then they fly to the tree across the yard where they drop their poop on my car (I’ll be blogging about this eventually because the picture I took recently of my shit-covered car is priceless). I ask myself, “why don’t you just stop feeding them?” as I scrape the shit off my car. But alas, they’re just too darn cute!

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