The following is satire. So…don’t call the cops. If you have no sense of humor, the door is to your left.
I am so proud to be an American. And when I say proud, I mean super proud. Could not be more proud! *Beaming with pride* See?
What is there NOT to love about this amazing country? We started off as egotistical and unwelcoming, and doggonit, we’ve stuck to our guns! We’re nothing if not consistent. Growth is for spineless losers. We didn’t allow immigrants back then and we don’t allow them now! So what if all Americans are technically immigrants? The point is, we got here first! “Finders, keepers…losers, weepers.” – George Washington1
We didn’t like colored folk back then, and what do you know, that hasn’t changed! We make sure our old-timers pass down these wonderful values to their children and grandchildren, so that hatred will never die. So what if millions of Americans2 are obsessed with tanning in the hopes of changing their skin color. That’s not hypocritical, it’s our prerogative. But we’re still not crazy about those natural colored folk who don’t need to tan, no siree!
We were homophobic3 then, and we still are today! What kind of message would we be sending if we all of a sudden opened our hearts and minds, and started accepting gays? After hundreds of years, how could we just start making progress like that? Oh no, America would never do that to you. America doesn’t like change, and isn’t that just so refreshing? Aren’t we all breathing a collective sigh of relief?
America brings you many great things. RIGHTS! We love rights, don’t we? We are slowly but surely taking some back, but not all of them. Everything we do is in your best interest, not our own. There’s talk that we try to control everything but that couldn’t be further from the truth. After all, you still have the right to freedom of speech! Isn’t that most important? Just, you know, don’t cause a scene. Don’t give your opinion unless asked to. Otherwise, speech away!
There’s just ONE thing we need you to do in return for all the wonder that is America4. We need you to work hard. Easy enough, right? Just work hard, all the while sacrificing your free time, and struggle, struggle, struggle! We want you to work so hard, you won’t even notice the money going from your pocket to ours. Like a magic trick! That’s all we ask. And just when you think you’ve paid your dues, don’t worry! We’ll find a new excuse to squeeze out every last penny. It’s so easy to come up with bullshit taxes anyway, how else would we spend our time? Fighting hunger, keeping the streets safe? Haha, don’t be absurd.
Ain’t it grand? Just breathing in this polluted air fills me with happiness and pride. Don’t you feel it? Isn’t it contagious? “America! America! God shed His grace on thee!” And crown thy pocket with lots of money, all of it just for me!
1. This was obviously a joke…you got that, right? I’m pretty sure George Washington didn’t coin that phrase.
2. I don’t have an accurate number, but I’m pretty sure I’m close.
3. For the record, I am not racist or homophobic. In case that wasn’t clear, in which case, I should stop writing satires.
4. While America is flawed, I wouldn’t say I HATE it. So, don’t sue me, okay?