Hey all, happy…Friday? My calendar keeps telling me it’s Friday, but it doesn’t feel like it to me. You know, when you’re working you ALWAYS look forward to Friday. TGIF! Yeah well, every day is Friday for me now, so naturally, I get confused. Are you jealous? Um, anyway, I feel like Fridays are relatively slow here. That’s probably because most people (not me) are out having a life. So I think I’ll keep this short and totally random. (Maybe more random than short. Maybe more weird than random. Maybe no one will read this anyway.)
I have a serious question. If you’re waiting for an important phone call, do you bring the phone with you to the bathroom? And if so, if the call comes in, do you answer it? What if you’re…you know…doing number 2? If you must, I hope you have the decency to leave the water running as background noise to cover up all the…sounds. You know, the person on the other line does NOT want to know what you’re doing, and they definitely don’t want to hear it…or picture it. That’s just creepy.
Speaking of creepy, I think there are certain things that appear normal, but are actually creepy if you REALLY think about it. Allow me to enlighten you! The ocean. So many people go to the beach. Many of these people are perfectly normal, but after a while of being in the ocean, one’s bladder starts to act up. Some people say it’s okay to pee in the ocean because EVERYBODY does it. Yeah, that’s not comforting, you know? But yes, people do pee. What if someone 15 feet away from you decides to pee, and the pee travels towards you? Isn’t that SO DISGUSTING? I know water is constantly moving but if you’re surrounded by 50 people and they all decide to pee, EWWW! And what if that person has some kind of…issue…down there? Does the salt kill all that bacteria…and blood? Okay, I’ll stop now.
How about (for you ladies) a visit to the OB/GYN? Maybe it’s just me, but this annual check-up really creeps me out. You know that metal speculum that gets to go all up in your business? How do you know if it’s clean? How DO they clean those devices anyway? Isn’t it creepy to think that the speculum was used on another patient just a half hour before, and now it’s being used on you? Or have you never even thought about it, and now you’re pissed that I brought it up? Well, I’m kind of wondering if it would be okay to ask the doctor how the device is cleaned, or possibly to have them wash it in front of you. Like seriously, not only is it creepy, it’s also unsafe because you don’t know what kind of issues the previous patient may have down there. You want to shoot me now, don’t you?
Alright, here’s the last item, and it has nothing to do with down there. Airplane/theater seats. Do people actually clean those seats? If so, how often? What if the person before you had lice? Would lice survive on a seat? So many questions, so little time. Well, what I do know is that the next time you’re at the beach, or OB/GYN, or on an airplane/theater seat, you’ll think of me. “That bitch! Now she’s got me all paranoid. I never used to think about this shit until I read her stupid post. I hate her!”
I don’t know how I’ll be able to live with the guilt. In all seriousness, don’t leave me, okay? I’m sorry, I’ll never creep you out again.