I Pulled The Plug

{This story is fiction.}

…There are choices we have to make every day, but there are some things a person should never have to think about. There are choices we should never have to make. I would know…

I still remember the day I was faced with the toughest decision of my life. Something I never thought I’d even have to consider. I remember that moment, and tears cloud my vision…pain strikes my heart.

I keep thinking, why…why did this have to happen? Why you, why me? You’re my best friend, the love of my life, my everything. Every breath I take is for you. I’d wake up every morning just to see your face, to kiss your lips. I love the way your eyes would flutter open, and the smile that would play across your lips when you saw me. I miss that so much.

I wasn’t prepared for what happened. But that’s how it goes…things happen when you least expect them to. I remember sitting at home on the couch when the phone rang. I smiled, thinking it was you. It wasn’t. It was a police officer. Very formal, almost uninterested, explaining that you’d been in an accident…after that, I didn’t hear much else.

I got to the hospital in a daze. It just didn’t feel real…it couldn’t be. I must have fainted. I woke up in the waiting room, but I don’t remember how I got there. I asked the doctor what happened, how you were. Between the panic and the tears streaming down my face, I could barely understand a word he said. But I could see it in his eyes, just as he could see the pain in mine.

He walked me to your room. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see. If the doctor hadn’t been there, nothing would have kept me standing. There were wires…tubes…all over you. I could hear the slow, steady beeping of the monitor. The machine pumping life into you. Like you were half dead.

You didn’t look the same. I told myself it couldn’t possibly be you covered in tubes and dried blood. I had never been so close to losing someone before. I wasn’t prepared for it. Do you know how much it hurts to stand next to the one you love, not knowing if they’ll ever wake up again? I do. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I didn’t give up on you then. Nothing changed during the next two weeks. You still hadn’t woken up. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. The doctor told me to go home and get some rest. But I just couldn’t leave you.

Then one day, the doctor pulled me aside. You couldn’t imagine how scared I felt. My heart was racing. I didn’t want to hear what the doctor would say. But I heard it, and I felt it…dead center, like a knife through my heart.

He told me the odds were more than against you. He had no hopes for recovery…none. He said it was time to make a choice. That perhaps it wasn’t fair to leave you this way, living a half life, not breathing on your own. He told me he knew it would be hard for me. He had no idea. I wasn’t ready to give up hope. I was praying for a miracle.

I prayed your eyes would open, and that I could see you smile once again. I wanted to feel your hand gently gripping mine. I wanted to hear, needed to hear, that you loved me. I didn’t get my miracle.

It was the hardest choice I ever had to make. Watch you breathe off a machine, which was so painful to do. Or let you go, give up hope. Let you rest peacefully while my whole world falls apart. I had to make my choice. Lord knows I didn’t want to. But I thought of you, what you’d want…I hope you know that. I hope you can forgive me.

I can’t look back at that day without crying. It was the scariest moment of my life, not knowing if I’d ever hear your voice again. I had never believed in miracles, but at that moment, prayer was all I had. I wish I could erase that painful moment from my mind. The fear, the pain, the heartache. The day I looked into the doctor’s eyes and said, “Yes.” The day I felt your soul escape, and my heart break. The hardest thing I ever had to do. I pulled the plug…

© Lillian F

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4 thoughts on “I Pulled The Plug

  1. This is so beautiful yet heartbreaking at the same time. I admire you for your courage and for staying strong through what must have been a terrible ordeal. I’m sure your loved one would have understood the decision you made and is perhaps thanking you from a different place that you allowed them to rest in peace. Sending good thoughts and positive energy your way…

    1. Hi Lillian. Thank you so much for reading and for your words. I feel like an arse though. 😦 This was actually fiction. I’m so sorry!! One day a while back my boyfriend was in an accident with someone else driving. No one was hurt but it got me thinking about what I would do if something worse happened…and so I wrote a story. Again, I’m so sorryyyy, I didn’t mean to be misleading by posting this but I should’ve added a disclaimer. I may do that right now! 😦

      1. Ohhhh I see haha don’t feel bad! In fact, I’m relieved to hear this is fiction because it would’ve been so terrible to know someone is actually going through this…. though obviously many people DO have to make these kinds of heartbreaking decisions. In any case, no worries! This just goes to show how great of a writer you are, right? 😉

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