Dear Bachelorette Producers,
I’m really interested in being on your show, but before I can make this happen, I have a few demands suggestions. You’ll find these helpful in improving the quality of your show.
Number of Contestants: Let’s be serious…25 guys? That’s ridiculous; I need at least 40 guys in order to make an informed decision.
Time Slot: I can’t give an exact time frame. I just know that if I’m going to be having sex making out with 40 guys, you need to make sure there’s enough air time to capture every kiss, and allow me time to pop in a mint between every 3rd or 4th guy. Cuz I mean, bad breath, that’s just gross. OH, and please provide the men with mint or gum, too.
Name Tags: How on earth do any of those dumb bimbos girls memorize 25 names? There must be cue cards, right? Well, I insist on name tags for all my men. AT LEAST until week 4.
Profession: There are way too many professional trainers and not enough mushroom farmers. I need a little more variety, okay?
From Stranger to Fiancé: What kind of insanity is that? What normal person wants to skip the whole dating phase and just get engaged? Why not just skip it ALL and just get us to the altar? You can arrange the ceremony. Now THAT would be a great finale!
Stunts: I love playing games with men. I would just suggest adding more danger. I mean, climbing a building, that’s nothing. Performing in a play? Too easy. Try bungee jumping, skydiving, sitting on a pile of venemous snakes. That’ll really show me who I’m meant to be with.
Now, a couple of things I totally love about the show. I love traveling. That’s like, totally my favorite part about reality tv. It’s like, so unreal! Traveling to all these places normal people could never afford…sweet! There’s no better way to meet the love of your life than to have cameras on you 24/7, go to a different country every week, play games, hand out roses. I can’t imagine a more natural way to meet your future husband.
In conclusion, the show’s not bad. Just listen to me tweak a few things and you’ll have the greatest, most realistic show on earth.
The Extreme Bachelorette