Who Needs Brain Cells?

Today, I thought I’d share a satire I wrote back in school. I don’t know,  my teacher and classmates seemed to like it. The subject is a naive cheerleader who’s discovered the world of alcohol and drugs.


Without a doubt, this week has been the best week ever…the best! I am now officially like the coolest person in my school; it’s an awesome feeling. You’re probably wondering why. Well, why else would I be the coolest person in my school? Hello! I’m head cheerleader (or better put, I’m rich, I’m a snob, I’m not so nice, and I’m pretty hot), plus, I finally tried something I’ve always been curious about. You know, what everyone else is doing: I got drunk. Man, was I wasted!

I always wondered why people were doing it. Is it really supposed to make me feel cool? Well, hell yeah. I am floating on cloud 9. I mean, I can’t walk straight, or talk properly…hell, I can’t even THINK straight, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is I had fun. I mean sure, I may or may not have been raped, I wouldn’t remember. But the fact that really counts is that I’m finally really fitting in. Who cares if I’m no longer passing my core classes, or if I get headaches now and then, or that I can’t remember what happened that night? It was awesome!

Since that night, I’ve made it a point to drink regularly. I actually have drinking buddies now. Isn’t that great? A drinking buddy, it’s sweet. We dare each other to chug down as much alcohol as we can, lowering our inhibitions as much as possible. I must say, ever since I started drinking, I’ve become a completely different person. Aside from becoming academically challenged, I’ve acquired pitiful habits. These would include partying recklessly with people I hardly know, cutting class, and even smoking. And I don’t just mean cigarettes, although I do smoke them. I’m a pothead too! Man, do I get high. Marijuana makes me act a little funny. But, I don’t believe what they say, you know, about how I’m killing brain cells. I have like, what, two million of them? I’m good for a few more decades.

I must be honest, too. The boys are all over me now. It’s the greatest feeling. All the other girls are so jealous. Who wouldn’t be? There’s not a single guy who doesn’t want to mess around with me. I’m considered fun. My ‘friends’ tell me that guys want to be with me because I’m easy when I’m drunk. I choose not to listen to them. Guys want me because of who I am, not because of what I do. I know I mean something to every guy I’ve ever been with! Just last week, I spent the night with Christian. It was so fun, but I won’t go into details. I will say that it was one of the best nights ever. He said he’d call. He still hasn’t, but that’s okay! I mean, when a guy says he’ll call, he will. Isn’t that how it always works? It’s not like this is something of little importance. A guy would never take advantage of me, nor would he lie. So I’ll just wait for that call…it’s so exciting! I can’t wait to see him again.

I’ve been pretty occupied, you know, waiting for that call. But I’ve still made time for my drinking buddies. After all, I can’t just leave them aside. How can I cut people like them out of my life? People who have made me see how cool it is to drink and do drugs, and sleep with people who promise to call me? They’ve shown me a whole new world. These are the best of friends. The ones who stand by you even at your worst moments, the ones who tell you that it’s okay to drink or smoke, as long as you want to, the ones who will let you do the things that your parents would never let you do. I must say, I am truly grateful to have friends like these. And to have a boyfriend (it’s not official) like the one I have. I’m feeling pretty lucky today…I’m almost positive, well, kind of…that he’ll call today! I’ll cross my fingers. But if he doesn’t, well, that’s nothing that a little buzz won’t cure. See, that’s the good thing about these disgusting habits. Whenever I’m lonely or depressed, I’ll drink my troubles away, or sniff them away. It’s like the best cure ever! I can’t wait to hang out with my buddies tonight. It’s going to be so wild. Thank God for illegal substances, they’re a blast. I’m going to go kill a few more brain cells. Remember, I have enough to last me a long time, and I don’t want to take them for granted. Use ‘em or lose ‘em!

© 2006 – Lillian Figueroa


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